Who
is playing dirty tricks in the press!
Reading sections of the British press, one
gets the unmistakable impression that all cricket match- fixers and others
who have been caught with their fingers in the bottle of jam, come from
our part of the world. South Asia is seen as the breeding ground for cricket's
dirty tricks department.
The rest of the world- particularly those belonging to the Caucasian
chalk circle, or crudely put the white nations- are seen to be as lily
white as the colour of their skins which, incidentally, is more a sickly
pink than white. But then who really cares.
I was intrigued by an editorial in last Sunday's London "Observer" which
was a sarcastic piece about subcontinental cricket and match fixing. As
third editorials go, it was a nice tongue-in-cheek piece in which the leader
writer obviously took great delight in having pot shots at some of the
great names in Indian and Pakistani cricket.
It was headlined "How to fix a Test" and the setting was Eden Gardens
in Calcutta.The match was between arch rivals, India and Pakistan. It took
the form of a conversation between two cricket commentators.
To catch the real flavour of this short editorial let me quote it at
length.
"Welcome to Eden Gardens, Calcutta. Two hundred thousand people, crammed
in, every one using one of those mobile phone thingies. What a racket.
Anyway, Wasim Akram comes into bowl. He bowls, and I say, the ball has
gone over the slips and into the crowd. Six wides. Quite extraordinary,
Fred? In my day….
So after this most bizarre start India are six for no wicket. The batsmen
are having a conflab in the middle, and….they're walking off! They are
walking towards the pavilion and some of the Pakistani players are trying
to stop them. Fred. In my day…..
My producer tells me that India have declared at six for no wicket after
one ball which has never happened in the history of Test cricket. Fred?
What's going on? Where are the players?
India have declared, Fred….and now here come the Indian fielders followed
by the Pakistani batsmen. And it will be Kapil Dev, who has been called
out of retirement for this big game, to open the bowling. He lollops up,rather
slowly, and bowls…..underarm! And it's a slow, slow full toss and Salim
Malik….misses it. And the ball hits the stumps and no-one appeals and Malik
is rushing back to the pavilion. Well, well, well Fred?"
Not bad stuff, really. Makes for a good laugh even though the editorial
writer does not seem to know very much about cricket. I've still to hear
of anybody appealing after a batsman is cleared bowled out- except, of
course, the Australians who will appeal for anything and everything hoping
to intimidate both the batsmen and the umpires.
But supposing one were to add a little more colour and fact to this
Observer editorial. Supposing one were to start at the start which is where
one should start to begin with. So over to Ritchie Benaud at Eden Gardens.
"Good morning listeners. It's a lovely day out here in Calcutta and
we could expect a good day's cricket. With me in the commentary box is
Fred Truman. The crowds are still pouring in and it won't be long before
the damned fellows who are locked out begin setting fire to the place.
Hey Fred is that Shane Warne who is inspecting the wicket? What on earth
is he doing here, Fred? This match is between India and Pakistan isn't
it? Australia is not even playing, unless we are in the wrong grounds.
Yes, yes Ritchie it sure looks like Shane. And he seems to be talking
to himself as he keeps poking his finger into the grass. You think he's
taking to agriculture?
Fred, he is not talking to himself. He's got something against his ear.
From here it looks like one of those mobile phone thingies. And for heaven's
sake, there's Mark Waugh walking towards the wicket. He is glancing at
the sky. Now he's looking around and crouching over the wicket. He's talking
to himself too. No, no Ritchie, he's holding a phone too.
Fred, what do you think these two are doing in Calcutta.
I don't know. They've probably been hired by the Indian observatory
to provide a weather forecast. You know how terribly unreliable these observatories
are. They probably want a couple of chaps out on the spot rather than sending
balloons in the air.
For Chrissake, there's Hansie Cronje out by the boundary talking to
the South African manager. What are they doing out here?
Oh, probably studying the Indians before the next tour. They have to
make a definite decision this time- I mean about throwing a match or two
to keep the series interesting. Hold on a minute. Hansie is taking the
mobile phone from his manager and walking towards the dressing room. Oh,
he's probably trying to call his wife. Shows what a good family man he
is. In my day…..
This is turning out to be a veritable feast. Look who's over there?
No, no, besides that guy with a turban. It's Dennis Lillee. He's handing
over a piece of paper to the Indian. Now the Indian is writing something
on it and giving it back to Dennis.
Fred, maybe Dennis wanted the Indian's autograph. And now here come
the umpires. There's some rushing out towards the umpires. He is talking
to Jeff and handing him an envelope.
Yeah, Ritchie, its probably the hotel manager. Jeff musta just gotta
a message from home. Cricket is tough these days. So much travelling, so
many games. No time for the family. Only time to place a quick bet or collect
one's dues. Now in my day……" |