Love in your inbox

Are you in the mood for an e-romance?

By Uthpala Gunethilake

" Hey, I can't wait till I see you. I can just imagine the way you look; in my mind you are so beautiful. But it doesn't really matter. You had me on the very first e-mail."

Sounds strange yet familiar ? Well it's familiar probably because a lot of people are pondering over this relatively new concept known as cyber-affairs, Net-love and e-romances. Strange, because you haven't really given much thought to the fact that you could get intimate with someone you've never met.

To many of us e-mail is a daily necessity but we little stop to think when we're downloading mail each day, that people find love on the Net and carry on affairs via e- mail. As with everything else love on the Net is fast and efficient but could you or would you seriously see yourself pursuing the man or woman of your dreams in the vast intangible reaches of cyberspace?

But is it such a weird idea? Lots of people don't think so, in fact many would see distinct advantages in pursuing an e-courtship. "You first get to know each other well and make a move only later. You don't fall for looks or outward charm," says Dulmini (22). She also feels that you don't get the chance to be put off at the first moment if you don't find someone attractive." It gives you more space to be yourself," she adds.

It is common knowledge that the bug called attraction has a crippling effect on one's self-confidence. It's as if someone has taught you the 101 ways of blowing a date and you are involuntarily trying out every one of them. These are the times when e-mail seems heaven-sent. You can be your usual witty, wise-cracking self to a great extent, not having eager eyes fixed on you. With everything in control you can hammer away your most intimate thoughts across to your heart-throb, after all you can hardly be tongue tied on the Net, can you?

But consider the other side of the coin. Could it be that the same freedom can also leave room for deceit and duplicity? How can you be sure that the person on the other mailbox is telling you the truth? Not being face to face, there is enough freedom to edit what you say and anyone who wants to deceive can do so easily. With no body language involved, no facial expressions, no gestures, you will not know for sure whether the cyber-stranger's eyes are shining with love or gleaming with deceit.

Nuwan (24) says, " The stuttering and stammering and all the rest is part of the experience of falling in love." According to him the experience would be incomplete without the initial difficulties of getting to know each other. "You miss part of the fun. An e-romance is not a worthwhile substitute."

Maybe. But Nilan (19) feels that if you are really in love you will go through the hassle of lost-self confidence whether you are actually in front of your love or whether you are talking to her via e-mail. True enough the first meeting after a long e-mail relationship can pose all the problems that you side-stepped in the beginning. Says Dulmini "It's exciting... but I always think of what a disaster it would be if at the first meeting they find out that they don't like each other's looks."

This certainly is a valid fear. But in real life too the same fear can assail any dedicated couple in a slightly different way. What if your loved one turned out to be a totally different person than what you thought him or her to be ?

Dinithi (20) dismisses all this talk about e-affairs being a novel concept. She makes the point that those days people were heard to have fallen in love after being penpals. "It's pretty much the same thing, and nobody thought there was anything wrong with it. The only difference is that e-mail is so much faster." Dinithi also believes in Murphy's Law-" If it's meant to go wrong for you then whichever way you do it, it will go wrong," she says.

But a word of caution: the Internet is known to be a haven for all types of confidence tricksters. In your search for love make sure you don't become another in their record of victims.

When Caroline first sent an e-mail to a business contact, little did she know it would lead to a cyber-affair and more. Here is an excerpt of the beginning of their lives together

On April 25, when I was messaged by a Californian contact for some information, I sent it over and at the end of the e-mail, I put: "Hope you're well, and how do you do, by the way, as we've not corresponded before." Apparently, this courtesy zinged like a beacon in a grey sea of complaint. The reply came: "I'm doing very well, thanks for asking.. . look forward to hearing from you again, Jeff." The next day I sent another e-mail. His reply was titled "Greetings old Friend".

May 3

Jeff: "Hi! I was feeling a little empty this week without an e-mail from you. I feel much better now."

Me: "My birthday's next weekend and I'm off to Paris to celebrate.

Him: "Happy Birthday! If I may be so bold, how old will you be? Have fun girl!"

Me: "Thirty—but it's all right, you don't have to talk to me again. I know you still need some more information..What about my bank statements for the past 10 years and favourite recipes?"

May 4

Jeff: 'Thirty is a wonderful age. The bank statements are not necessary, but recipes would be nice. I've cooked for years. You would have to try the creations since you are the expert on your favourites [he's asking me to dinner?].

May 8

Me: "Must go water my garden, everything fried over the weekend. Your Pen Pal/Mouse Mate."

Jeff: "My b-day is next week on the 16th (I'm gonna be 28).Your garden reminds me that I need to water the plants in my office. I was on a triathlon during the weekend. By the way, I like 'mouse mate'

May 9

Me: "It feels very dignifying to be having an e-affair with a 28-year-old I suppose. Can you help an old bird who's having a bad day at work?

Jeff: "Hey there sugar, if you want I'll e-mail you my shoulder to lean on for a while. You can even cry on it if you want. I think this e-affair thing is radical. You're my first—you devirginised me to this whole thing. "

May 10

Me: "Was gonna put 'I Love You' in the subject box, but might get arrested by virus hunters. Consider my head on your shoulder (could I have some arms to go with that?)"

Jeff: "You can have the shoulders, arms and whatever else you want. '

[Uh-oh, he's gone and done it now !]

May 11

Jeff: "The sunset last night made me think about you. When I talk to my friends about us I have the biggest smile. It wraps around my whole face."

In the early hours of May 12, I limp home, shoeless, from a party:

Me: "Just got in. Bit tired. Would so love to talk to you. (Is that crazy?) Will you put your arms around me? There was a crescent moon in the sky and I thought that it would be travelling round to you. So I tied a big bow on it and hung it round with love."

Jeff: "I slept so good last night. Thanks so much for the moon."

I was invited to a weekend house party miles away from home, and was distraught at the thought of separation.

May 12

Me: "This is torture. I can't be long—I'm in the country with friends. You don't have e-mail at home do you? I brought my laptop to get your messages today [Friday]. . . this is just about the maddest thing I've ever experienced. Please write back before you leave the office. "

Jeff: "Whenever I get a message from you I turn to mush. When I read your words I can feel you right here with me. I have to take a giant breath just to calm my racing heart. I will send you one more e-mail before I go. Dancing so slow with you right now.

I resigned myself to what I thought would be the final e mail of the week.

But what's this. . . ?

Jeff:"Good Morning Sugar [Saturday]. I'm on my roommate's computer. I'm going to buy that fella a beer when he gets home.

After much cajoling and a bit of detective-work my fellow weekend guests prised my secret out of me. Back in my room later I felt appalled, as if I had exposed the dearest person to me. I half-confessed.

Me: I was talking about YOU after dinner but may be I should have been more discreet."

Jeff: "Don't worry about what other people say. I know they think it odd, and it is. How ever, you have grabbed my heart and taken it with you. What can I do? You have it and I am happy you do."

May 15

Me: I figure you're not a one-legged midget if you do the triathlon stuff (if you are don't get offended, read on), but if you are, it doesn't matter, because you have won me totally."

Jeff: "My hair is sandy blond and my skin gets tanned. I do have both my legs in place. I'm 6ft l inch and weigh 165 lbs. I'm pretty slender. Hey, I'm curious too !"

Before the day was over, I had a photograph of him. As the image emerged, slowly down the screen, I thought I would faint. There he was, a regular Baywatch lifeguard. Despite being told there was no scanner at my office, he expected my likeness by return.

Something had to be done. I sat on my bed as it turned midnight, my heart rattling in its ribcage. I dialled his office number. Adopting the most ludicrous accent, I asked for my man. An extension rang and a gruff voice came on the line. My stomach lurched—it could not be? "I'll put you back to the operator, you need another department." The line went dead. I redialled and, in my normal voice, uttered his full name. He announced himself. Like Marilyn before me, I sang Happy Birthday to the man I love. You have no idea how long it takes to sing it ! It felt like 45 minutes before I got to the end. "Oh baby," he whispered.

The next morning, I arrived at the house of my accomplice Vanessa holding my best photographs—admittedly taken some five years earlier. I looked younger slimmer, generally less addled. One by one she scanned and cropped. As I hit "Send Now", misgivings multiplied. We sent them to his house where his roommate's computer quite rightly refused to open the files. As he scrambled to work to see them, he hit traffic on the free way. He apparently sat there singing Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, wishing for wings to bear him to me.

Once at his desk, the file duly opened.

Jeff: "Hey, you're in trouble. I'm booking a flight. I'm coming to get ya!"

(Courtesy Style)

Make your experience pay off

Not only does part-time work help students make ends meet, it impresses prospective employers. Answer these questions to find out how to maximise your experience.

Although college and university students have always worked to pay their way, today's students are three times as likely to take part-time employment while they are studying. However, what many do not realise is that prospective employers are actually very interested in any experience that graduates might have had in the workplace.

There has been a radical change in attitude amongst employers. Many students are omitting to mention their work experience on their CVs, but this is a mistake. Part-time work is no longer seen as damaging to studies, as long as it does not take up too much time. Employers now recognise that commercial acumen and an awareness of work are invaluable assets which have traditionally been lacking among academics.

One of the factors in the huge rise in student employment is the expansion of shopping hours and fast food outlets, which provide flexible work for students. Even working as a humble employee in a fast food chain gives graduates experience in time management, customer service and in working in an extremely pressured environment. Similarly, working in a supermarket gives students the opportunity to gain skills and abilities that they could never develop in the lecture theatre.

A recent study in the US found that spending up to 15 hours at work can be invaluable, as young people learn to work alongside others, handle the public and experience the management culture.

A spin-off from working during term-time can be that students find they can map out a career path with a previous employer. Large organisations find that up to a quarter of their applicants for graduate training schemes come from graduates who have developed their interest while working for them initially as students. Answer these questions to find out if you are marketing your work experience effectively.

1. If you have been a student, did you take part-time work?

a. yes, I worked throughout my student years.
b. yes, and it helped me pay my way.
c. no, I considered it more important to study all the time.

2. How many hours did you work?

a. about thirty hours a week.
b. around ten hours a week.
c. only in the holidays.

3. Do you think students should work as well as study?

a. no, it is too tiring.
b. yes, it can be very beneficial.
c. yes, as long as it does not interfe
e with their studies.

4. If there are benefits, what are they?

a. you gain experience of the world of work.
b. you can make contacts for later on.
c. you earn money.

5. Do you think employers are interested in part-time experience?

a. no, they would think it was damaging to your studies.
b. they would perceive you as business-minded and commercially aware.
c. yes, they would see you are not trapped in the academic world.

6. Should you mention work experience on our CV?

a. yes, however humble the job.
b. no, it would go against you.
c. yes, but back it up with evidence of skills learnt and opportunities taken.

7. What type of work would give the best experience?

a. where you have to work under pressure.
b. where you deal with a wide range of different members of the public.
c. it wouldn't make much difference.

8. What are the dangers of part-time student work?

a. being exploited.
b. over-tiredness.
c. boredom.

9. Why do employers value students who have worked?

a. they see them as more entrepreneurial and marketable.
b. they don't
c. they realise they are familiar with the real world of work.

10. What are the long-term benefits?

a. it may help to get on to a training scheme of a company you have worked for.
b. there aren't any, you are less likely to pass your exams.
c. you will be a more mature person.

Now calculate your score 1. a10 b5 c0 2. a0 b5 c10 3. a0 b10 c5 4. a10 b5 c0 5. a0 b10 c5 6. a5 b10 c0 7. a5 b0 c10 8. a5 b10 c0 9. a10 b0 c5 10. a5 b0 c10

What your score means

66-100: You sound like just the sort of person that employers would be impressed by, someone who was able to hold down a part-time job and study at the same time. You appreciate the benefits of experience in the world of work, and understand why it makes you more employable. You grasp the importance of balancing work and study and are probably a mature and out-going person, able to relate to a wide range of different members of society. 35-65: Like most people you appreciate the benefits of part-time work, although maybe you only see it as a necessity to earn money. Perhaps you have felt reluctant to write about humble work experience on your CV or job applications, feeling that it was not worth mentioning. The point to realise is that any job to which you have shown commitment and a mature attitude is a plus point worth mentioning. Especially if you can analyse the skills you have developed. 0-34: You are either living in an ivory tower, and intend to stay in academia for the rest of your life, or you are completely out of touch with what employers are looking for in the real world. The world has moved on, and graduates need to show they have transferable skills as well as academic learning.

With My Feet

"With My Feet" - an exhilarating Latin American and Ballroom dance performance will be held at the Bishops College Auditorium on August 26 and 27. It is the first ever stage show of Latin American and Ballroom dancing in Sri Lanka's dance history.

A variety of Latin American and Ballroom dance items will be performed by leading dance schools in Sri Lanka.

The evening features the collaborated efforts of Dance World, LL Latino Dance Club, Antonio Dance Circle and guest performances by leading dance schools including The Deanna School of Dance .

" With My Feet" is presented by Naomi Rajaratnam and sponsored by Emirates Airways, Nutri-C, TNL Lite and Samayawardhana Press.

Tickets and box plan are now available at the Bishop's College Auditorium .

Proceeds of the show will go to Dev Siri Sevana - a home for elders at Welisara.

Featured on our cover this week are Yohann and Charnez in a sequence from the show.

Now YOU can be a professional model

The ways of this world are strange and often unfair. You have talent, a unique flair for something, but there is no place for you, for one of two reasons. One, the job market is for doctors, lawyers and computer technicians, and you with your inclinations towards the arts stream, can easily get left out. Two, you are not comfortable in handling the English language and therefore lack the confidence to come out with what you have. Unfair as it may be, that is the way things seem to work today.

This is the background that the team at Models Inc. hope to change. Spearheaded by Stefan Joachim, Models Inc., which opened recently in Kandy, is an institution that seeks to fill a huge gap in the fashion industry for the training of professional models. "A professional model," says Stefan, "is not just a pretty face, and you don't have to have a pretty face to be a professional model." He stresses that you can be a model for what you do best, improving on what you have. What you need is confidence. This is where Models Inc. comes in. "We aim at personality development," explains Stefan. The focus is on modelling and the fashion industry, with a complete training in effective speech, posture, personal grooming, etc., the essentials for becoming a professional model.

Models Inc. aims at the 15-21 age group and Stefan hopes to carry out the concept islandwide, though he has started in Kandy. The launch followed eight-months of market research. "Everything always happens in Colombo. There is a good market in Kandy because there are young people with talent, without opportunity," says Stefan.

He firmly believes that talent should not be allowed to pass unnoticed just because someone is not confident in handling the English language or because he or she does not know how to carry his or herself well.

Models Inc. will not only sharpen, polish and strengthen potential, it will also take long-term care of it. " What usually happens is that once models come out, they get exploited. But at Models Inc. we promote and represent models. With us, their interests are 100% safe", explains Stefan.

Stefan draws on his overseas degree and 12-year experience in designing and modelling, in planning Models Inc.'s courses. "It's 25% theory and 75% practical," says Stefan, stressing that practical training is the only way to achieve the best results.

As in everything, in modelling too, the Sri Lankan market is not open to everyone; talent has to step back to make way for money and influence. Models Inc. hopes to set standards in order to change this. May be Stefan and his team can change things for you.

-U.G

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