New column on etiquette

Small talk

By Nedra Wickremasinghe

So are you particular about the impression you create with others - especially when deals have to be put through, or at interviews and meetings? How do you avoid a faux pas at a business luncheon? Is your social and business conduct in line with your high profile job? Any doubts about your manners and behaviour with family and friends? Are you confident when you travel overseas on business and does your wardrobe make a statement about you?

Well all these and a whole host of questions will be answered in this column.

If you have any questions on etiquette write into Small Talk. Nedra Wickremesinghe, Director of the Nedisa Social Skills Training Institute will answer your queries. 

All your letters should be addressed to: 

The Editor,
The Sunday Times, 
8, Hunupitiya Cross Road, 
Colombo 2.

How to make introductions

I find that although my presentation goes smoothly I feel uneasy when making introductions, especially of my colleagues as I am not sure whether I'm handling them the correct way. Is there a proper order when introducing groups and individuals?

Answer: Knowing the rules is critical, and having panache is an added advantage for public presentations. 

But this can be acquired with practice and experience only.

When you know the rules, you'll feel more comfortable and relaxed with people.
• The established norm when introducing people is to mention the name of the senior or the high-ranking official first. But there is a slight exception to the rule in a business context where sometimes the client is considered more important, and you can say 'Mr. Paul, may I introduce my Boss Mr. Peter'.
• When you introduce a new member of your team to a group, the order is 'Ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to meet our new colleague Mr. Ralph De Silva.' 

Q: What is the difference between a business introduction and a social introduction? 

A: • Socially what matters is the gender and age. Therefore, a woman is introduced first by mentioning her name, likewise the oldest of the two is presented first.
• In business what matters is the hierarchy and not the gender and age. When introducing you mention the name of the person of authority irrespective of his gender and age (As mentioned earlier in the first question - use your discretion).
 

Q: Can self-introductions be misunderstood as being forward, especially if you are a woman?

A: Not in this day and age but one has to assess the situation and see that the time and place is appropriate for you to make the initial contact and his or her position in relations to yours. This thing called 'position' or 'status' unfortunately for some, is vital (socially) in this part of the world. There is certainly, protocol to be observed, when dealing with hierarchy and VIPs and a courteous glance at them and a nod is perfectly in order. But in a social situation, it makes it easier for others when you introduce yourself.

Q: How about a woman introducing herself to a man? Is that in order? 

A: Depends whether it is a business or social gathering. In business it is acceptable. At a social gathering, if you come across a lost soul, just a greeting is fine - but never walk up to a man however gorgeous he is, not even if you think he is the last man on earth for you. It pays to be expensive.

Two faces of teens

Teenagers regularly switch between their 'baby-self' and 'mature-self' images

By Susan Reimer

This Eddie Haskell syndrome, according to psychologist and best-selling author Anthony Wolf, is normal and, if we were honest, it is something we would recognise in ourselves.

"We all have two modes of operation," Wolf says. "There is the 'baby-self', the at-home, relaxed, unwinding version of ourselves. The one who wants to be fed and get nurtured and not be bothered.

"And there is the 'mature-self' the one we are all day. The working, delayed-gratification self, who has self-control and who can tolerate stress.

"There is a real switching of gears when we walk in the door, and it is that way for our kids, too."

Wolf's first book, Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager, was a hilarious roller coaster ride through the mind and moods of a teenager and the slim paperback became the underground, word-of-mouth Bible of parents in the grip of their children's adolescence.

His new book is The Secret of Parenting: How to Be in Charge of Today's Kids -From Toddlers to Pre-Teens Without Threats or punishment, and it describes, with the same uncanny ear for kid-parent dialogue, this 'baby-self' that children become the minute they drop their backpacks in the front hall.

For the baby-self, anything is too hard, everything is an irritant. They crave the deep nurturing they need to be the mature-self at school and in the world. Home is the hyperbolic chamber for the baby-self. It can't tolerate any intrusion or any demands during this refuelling stop. The baby-self wants what it wants.

"When the baby-self isn't getting his way, he can be very unpleasant, " Wolf says, in a huge understatement. "Would you rather have the mature-self at home with you? Sure you would . But you don't have a choice. "

We can all recognise the baby-self Wolf describes: Demanding, whining, uncooperative, irritable, lazy and capable of launching an emotional hand grenade at the parent if she doesn't get her way: "You wouldn't treat me like this if I wasn't adopted."

"Baby-selves have no conscience. They are ruthless," Wolf says. "They will use any weapon say anything."

This spoiled-rotten behaviour does not mean we are bad parents or that our children are monsters. In fact, if we had a videotape of the way our child behaves at school or at a friend's dinner table, we'd be astonished.

"That's because our child's mature-self is in command when he is out in the world."

The good news, Wolf says, is that mature-self is a sneak preview of the adult your child will grow up to be. In the meantime, interacting with the baby-self at home is very frustrating for parents. The only answer is to reduce that interaction.

"When baby-selves are not getting their way, they will resort to anything. But they will always settle for second prize, which is you," Wolf says.

If they can't get what they want, they can at least engage their parent in a long, drawn-out argument. We see it as fighting. The baby-self sees it as special time with Mom when the baby-self has her undivided attention.

"What the baby-self hates more than anything else is to separate from you," Wolf says, and this goes for teenagers as well as toddlers. "They will never let go. And they will never let go first."

The solution is to disengage - fast. Make a decision, state it and then shut up. Don't let yourself get drawn into a discussion. Don't try to defend or explain yourself.

"The baby-self won't disengage. After years of trial and error, they have crafted just the custom-tailored argument that will provoke you," Wolf says.

And they will run you into the ground on the topic because they have nothing to lose and nothing better to do.

"The longer this process takes, the more the baby-self comes out and the more unpleasant it becomes."

If we begin to think of our obstinate, combative teens as outsized toddlers, it is much easier not to view their bad moods, verbal darts and whining as a judgment on the job we are doing as parents, as a measure of their love for us or as a preview of what kind of adults they will be.

If we imagine them in their footed sleepers, it is easier not to be hurt by these sometimes painful exchanges.

The problem with this approach, however, is that when we come home at the end of the day, we are looking to shed our suits and pantyhose for the emotional equivalent of footed sleepers, too. Parents, who are mature selves all day at work or in public want to be baby-selves at home, just like the kids.

All of us have listened with astonishment as a teacher or another adult describes our child as bright, conversant, cooperative and delightful company. "You are talking about my child, right?" we ask, certain there has been a mistake.

Wolf gives us hope when he writes with absolute certainty that this phantom child is a preview of the adult our child will become.

Kala Pola - a street of art

By Laila Nasry

Organised by The George Keyt Foundation, Kala Pola has been hailed as a novel idea by all art enthusiasts. Here the art lover is offered not just paint on canvas or clay moulded into shape, but an array of styles and mediums all stamped with the individuality and creativity of the artist.

Sometimes, the pen seemed mightier than the brush with some artists turning out beautiful scenes and sketches using a rotring pen. Deepthi Bandara was one who fancied that medium, working on recycled paper. "Sketching on recycled paper is very difficult because you have to be very fast. If the nib is kept in one place for too long it will blot." Going on to explain the travails of using a rotring pen, he says the speed requirement precludes his outlining beforehand with a pencil and filling in later. But he enjoys the challenge and hopes to sketch on ceramic next.. 

Young artist Yoshan Chatura, 14, tries hard to keep in mind the beautiful landscapes he encounters. He works with coloured ballpoint pens though line drawing with the ballpoint is difficult. "Sometimes my eyes hurt and I have to stop and take a break. But from the time I was small I learnt to draw using the pen." He says for those accustomed to paints at an early stage, the switch can be difficult. But from pen to paints is not that hard, he found out for he is currently learning to paint portraits. 

Imagine painting with an icing bag? M.H.Rasitha Sanjeewa previously a kitchen artiste, suddenly discovered that using similar techniques with paint instead of icing brought unique results. The figures or abstract patterns are piped on painted backgrounds creating a rather unusual effect. "Of course you have to have a steady hand," he says nonchalantly. "Though it looks difficult, it does not take long, maybe around an hour or two." 

Both Harshana Silva and Ariyananda B. Gamage have all the patience in the world, for that's what their works of art require. Their technique involves drawing a zillion dots which eventually form a portrait. Though their techniques are similar, their art reveals their obvious age difference. Harshana the younger of the two prefers drawing contemporary heroes like Sanath Jayasuriya and Aravinda de Silva, Ariyananda focuses on temple carvings like the Isurumuniya. However, a disbelieving public presumes it to be computer graphics. 

Kala Pola also saw a number of female artists. Whilst most of them kept with the traditional medium of oils or pastels, A.D. Dineshi stood out with her painfully neat collages. Unlike in usual collages she had not torn the coloured paper into little bits and then stuck them on. Instead she had cut out the necessary shapes. In her portrayal of a fisherman out at sea, each minuscule wave in the appropriate shade of blue, the oar, his hat, his attire was cut out separately and then pieced it together like a jigsaw. What's tiring about the whole process she says is finding the correct colours. "I collect loads of magazines and everyone I know gives me magazines but at times I still can't find the colour I want.

However all the hard work seems to pay off judging by the numbers at her stall and an open invitation by the Alliance Francaise to exhibit her work. 

The ability of offering works of art which are unique and different has seen Kala Pola to its ninth year and is bound to sustain it throughout the coming years.

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