13th May 2001

Everything was due to a conspiracy

I thought of writing to you when I saw you declaring curfews and addressing the nation in a hurry, spoiling everybody's long Vesak weekend in the process. And as usual all you tell us is that all these clashes at Mawanella and Maradana are one big 'conspiracy'- that word which explains everything!

Anyway, Satellite, I don't think you should worry too much about these things because you have such a large cabinet- forty-four ministers, isn't it? to help you, though of course some say that that is part of the problem.

Why, if you ask for advice from your Pee Emm, he would tell you not to negotiate with anybody. He would probably send the Army to Mawanella and Maradana to wage war and insist that there should be no ceasefire.

Then, you could ask your General what you should do. He would probably wear that camouflage kit of his and visiting Mawanella, walking stick, video crew and all. And he would then come back and the problem would be over and he would be prepared to shake hands with-well, let's say- Rauf!

Of course you can always ask Seeni Bola what could be done and he would advise you to get him some Samurdi animators and then he would have the whole problem sorted out. After all, a lot of people say that that was how the last elections were won! Then, there is Mangala and I'm not sure whether you ask for his advice. But if you did, he is sure to tell you that he could settle the whole problem in a matter of hours. All he has to do is to take a few Bulldozers to Mawanella town. Of course, after a few weeks, you can rebuild it and get Mangala himself to re-open the city!

Then there is Reggie from whom you could seek help. He will suggest that you hand over the matter to him. And then before you could say 'Captain Cool', all the culprits will be apprehended, asked to kneel down and apologize for what they did! And if you ask Kiri what should be done, he will suggest that you should appoint an Interim Committee to administer Mawanella till the matter is sorted out. And maybe he would suggest that the same thing for Maradana too.

Then, Satellite, if you are not satisfied with the advice given to you by your ministers you could always ask your Em Pees. And if you ask Bharatha Lakshman he would surely tell you that the problem could be solved by having a musical show first at Mawanella, and then at Maradana!

And then Satellite, even if you can't trust any of these people, you could always ask Ranil about what should be done. I'm sure he would say the best thing to do would be to do nothing, but if you must look as if you are doing something, then the best thing would be to pass a no-confidence motion about what happened at Mawanella.

So don't despair, Satellite, there is always something you can do. And of course, you are improving all the time- why, the address to the nation was right on time which was quite unlike you!

Yours truly, Punchi Putha.

PS- Now it looks as if you have taken Rauf's advice after all and decided to appoint a special commission to find out what went wrong at Mawanella and I'm told that the fellow threatened to pull out of your government if you didn't do that. Now everyone is asking why you didn't appoint a special commission to probe what happened at Maradana. Or, should Dinesh for instance, threaten to pull out from the government for you to do that?

The Jungle Telegraph

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