Hacker's night before Christmas
T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a computer was stirring, not even a mouse.
The hard drives were left on in each computer case
With a database for Santa, punched up in dBase.
The hackers were all snug asleep in their beds,
While visions of access codes danced in their heads.
And I with my PC and Ma with her Mac,
Had settled in for a long winter's nap.
When up from my modem there arose such a squeal,
I jumped from my bed and said, "What's the deal!!?!?"
To my computer I tore like a flash,
Hoping I wasn't suffering a Christmas Eve Crash.
A flashing green light on the front of my case,
Showed late-night activity (I hope not erase).
I turned on my monitor and what did appear,
But a .GIF old sleigh and eight blinking reindeer.
On a flashing bright icon I made a quick click,
And sure enough who appeared, but good old Saint Nick.
At 9600 baud the images
they came,
As he loaded them up, he called them by name.
"Load Windows and Lotus, Prodigy and Quicken,
Add brand new DOS upgrades, and games for the children.
To the old root directory, to make room for them all,
How about a new hard drive, this one's all full!
As I watched as he worked through the database with care,
Checking the gift list we had left there.
He searched into his bag and pulled out with aplomb,
Bright shiny new discs for the new CD-ROM.
A brand new fax-modem (well, who asked for that!?!?),
Bundles of SIMMS, co-processors galore,
From one board to another, he filled up each hole.
And when he was finished, the tower cases were full,
With fun new software, just ready to install.
Then lining the cursor alongside of his nose,
Out of my new SVGA, up slowly he rose.
He jumped out of DOSSHELL, my SoundBlaster did sound,
As the TSR fell away, 'til next Christmas comes around.
Then I heard him exclaim as he up-loaded from sight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good byte!!

Christmas laughs
Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low elf esteem.
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll.
Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Snowflakes.
Q. How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A. Fleece Navidad!
Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.
Q. What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A. We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
Q. What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A. Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q.If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A. A subordinate claus.
Q. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A. Because every buck is dear to him.
Q. How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Q. Olive ?
A. Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
A. You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Gnome jokes
- I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are ugly,

But if beauty's skin deep then they were was born inside out!

- I wouldn't say that Christmas gnomes are cross-eyed,

but when they cry the tears run down their back!

- What do gnomes fear most about Christmas?

They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!

- Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word gnome in it!

Pupil: Er... the man's house burnt down so... he hadn't a gnome to go to!

- Father Christmas: How do I stop a Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge?

Gnome : Put a five pound note between his teeth and stick his head over the side of the sledge.

- What song do Father Christmas' gnomes sing to him when he comes home cold on Christmas night?

Freeze a jolly good fellow!

The twelve days of windows NT
On the first day of Christmas my vendor gave to me:
A bug fix for Windows NT.
On the second day of Christmas my vendor gave to me:
Two more SCSI drives;
And a bug fix for Windows NT.
On the third day of Christmas my vendor gave to me:
Three more months of waiting;
Two more SCSI drives;
And a bug fix for Windows NT
On the twelfth day of Christmas my vendor gave to me:
Twelve days to set up;
Eleven acronyms;
Ten more Megahertz;
Nine brand new standards;
Eight more megs of RAM;
Seven minor upgrades;
Six hidden features;
Five tons of manuals;
Four new API's;
Three more months of waiting;
Two more SCSI drives;
And a bug fix for Windows NT.

Reindeer jokes

• What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
  This one will sleigh you!
  
• Keep that reindeer out of the house! It's full of fleas!
  You'd better stay out of the house, Rudolph - it's full of fleas.
  
• Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a cricket match?
  Because they're both stopped by the rein.
  
• What has antlers and loves cheese?
  Mickey Moose!
  
• Why don't Prancer and Dancer and the other reindeer overtake Rudolph?
  Because they don't believe in passing the buck!
  
• 'Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can't tell me why he does that!'
  'Oh, yes I can.' the elf said.
  'Because two 'Eds are better than one, of course!'
  
• What's the name of the reindeer with three humps on its back?
  Humphrey
  
• And that black and blue reindeer?
  Bruce.
  
• What does Father Christmas call that three-legged reindeer?
  Eileen.
  
• What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes?
  No-eyed-deer!
  
• What do you call the reindeer with cotton wool in his ears?
  Call him anything you like he won't hear you!
  
• What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas' sleigh and is made of cement?
  I don't know.
  A reindeer!
  What about the cement?
  I just threw that in to make it hard.

Heading for a Blue Christmas
Blue is the UK's most successful boy band at the moment. They have qualified with this week's No: 1 'Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word' featuring veteran rock star Sir Elton John.

For Blue, the Elton John cover is the 3rd career chart topping song. Last year the group notched up two No: 1 hits with 'Too Close' in September and 'If You Come Back' in December.

One year on, Blue is back at the helm of the UK chart. For Sir Elton the current duet is his fifth No: 1 song in the UK.

Blue/Elton John may not be able to hold on to the singles crown as the next countdown will indicate the all important Christmas No: 1 song. Two of the Popstars: The Rivals are in the running for the Christmas No: 1. Girls Aloud is widely expected to take the plum No: 1 with the song 'Sound of The Underground' while the other rival 'One True Love' has the support of a slightly lower margin with the ballad 'Sacred Trust'.

Gareth Gates' new single ' What My Heart Wants To Say' entered the top 20 at No: 5 this week. It's the first time Gates has missed the No:1 spot since he came into the limelight late last year.

S Club Juniors double A side release 'Puppy Love/Sleigh Ride', checked in at No: 6.

The rendition of 'Puppy Love' is very similar to the Donny Osmond version which topped the chart in 1972. Listening to 'Puppy Love' will no doubt bring out the romantic spirit in teenagers and perhaps the older folk who were teenagers at the time Donny Osmond's version was a hit. The song is tied up with the Christmas track 'Sleigh Ride' which is indeed a shrewd marketing move by Polydor records.

Still in the Top 10 is 'The Ketchup Song (Aserje)' by the family group Las Ketchup. It has moved up a place to No:8.

Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown seem to hit the headlines for the wrong reasons. But it is good to see Bobby Brown manage to re-capture some old ground as he is featured on the new Ja Rule track 'Thug Lovin'.

Moby was attacked by a group of men and had to be hosptalised last Thursday.

Reports say Moby was leaving Boston's Paradise club where he had performed. He was walking to his vehicle when fans gathered around for his autograph. Moby who was obliging autograph hunters was suddenly attacked from behind. Three men punched the singer in his face. His spectacles were broken and he also needed some stitches.

Two weeks ago he received two awards at the Billboard Music Awards.

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