Pride and regret
Boyhood violence- won't back down, will suffer later
By Thiruni Kelegama and Ishani Ranasinghe
We all know the story of the boy who died due to a severe stab wound in the heart, due to violence erupting near the Sakya Institute, in Kohuwela. This definitely is the era of glorified destruction.

Situm Sri Dushmantha, who turned 18 three days before his fateful death, was stabbed due to a conflict which had risen over an argument regarding a bench. What was a small argument that day, slowly grew over the weeks, which resulted in the loss of a life, two boys ending up in prison facing charges, and another in hospital.

So many young lives disrupted, and so many other lives affected.

"I am still reeling from the shock of what happened,"is what Buddhika Rajapakse, one of the young boys who is suspected for stabbing another said. Having been released on bail a few days ago, he claims he is 'innocent'. "I was taken into prison because a police officer in civil asserts that he saw me stabbing the boy who is in hospital, Kasun Dias. I was kept in remand for 16 days."

"I did not stab anyone. I was arrested because I was one of the few who stayed back to see what happened to our friend. Situm was my class mate at Veluwana Vidyalaya, and the boys who attacked us are from Nugegoda," he explains. "Yes, I did get involved in the fight- I could not sit and watch my friends being beaten up. Therefore, I also got into the heat of things, and tried my best to fend them off."

"I suppose I was too late, he reflects sadly. "I am facing charges for something I did not do, and my friend is dead."

In recent times there have been so many incidents reported that people wonder whether these children ever think beyond today and of their future.

A glimpse into one such incident revealed that competition and the necessity to succeed proved to be fatal.

Sixteen days of suffering. This is what this 18 year old had to endure. Hardship and adversity came his way, and it was not what he had bargained for.

"I suppose this is all because none of us want to admit that someone else is better than us. I feel this whole incident occued because we did not want to back away and prove that we were cowards."

Realization might have come a bit too late for him but there is the fact that it is better late than never. It is important for these students to to understand that violence does not help anyone, especially themselves.

"I shouldn't have got involved," is all that Buddhika has to say. "If I hadn't, I would never have had to face all that horror in prison." And yes, as he says, he should have thought about it, as prison is definitely no place for an 18 year old.

But today's form of getting even is not with a punch or a left hook on the jaw, it is abruptly done with nothing but knives, bicycle chains, razor blades - and nonchalantly courts death.

Children unable to resolve conflicts peacefully often end up with behavioural problems, and educators say the causes often lie in the home environment.

"Not only is the number of students with more and more intense behaviour difficulties increasing, but so is the severity and intensity of the incidents,"says one leading psychologist. "Such behavior often stems from chaotic, difficult environments at home that leaves kids unprepared for the social setting of school and most importantly of life."There is a lot of physical aggression today in response to everything she continued to say. "Parents should spend more time with their children, and be aware of what is happening in their lives before it is too late."

The no back down syndrome

• Two students or two groups of students have a conflict
  
• Tension escalates as participants trade angry words, looks or gestures.
  
• Each participant becomes angrier; other students may crowd around daring individuals to take action.
  
• If participants believe neither can 'back down' without 'losing face' they may resort to throwing punches.
  
• Thus, a new cycle of violence begins when a participant seeks to take revenge on the other.

Escaping death and making peace

• Be aware of how you are likely to respond in conflict situations. What kinds of words, gestures or other actions trigger angry responses Knowing what triggers your anger can help you manage your emotions.
  
• Think about what you need, not what your position (or solution) is. There may be more than one way to meet your needs. You both may have the same need.
  
• Agree to state facts, not opinions, and to stick to the subject at hand, not to dredge up old arguments.
  
• Listen actively. Pay careful attention to what the other person is saying.
  
• Take a step back and work together to brainstorm all the ways that areas of disagreement might be resolved. Discuss the pros, cons and consequences of each idea objectively.
  
• If conflict persists, or if angry responses have gone too far, think about getting help from a third party. A respected, disinterested person or mediator (a specially trained person who helps those in disagreement to resolve their differences) can often help bridge the gap.

At school

• Support programmes that train students and staff in conflict management, problem solving and similar skills. Try to arrange similar training for parents.
  
• Work to set up extended-day programmes so that students have safe places to go and positive things to do outside school hours.
  
• Enlist students in identifying violence and other crime problems at school and designing projects to address them.
  
• Ensure that the school has consistent disciplinary policies that are firmly and fairly enforced, as well as a response plan for emergencies.

Rationalization mode
Kids give many reasons for resorting to violence.
Among those reasons the following are the most common:

• Gaining respect - 'I had to show I could handle it.'
  
• Gang or drug disputes- 'I had to defend my friends'
  
• Hopelessness - 'I had no option'
  
• Peer Pressure - 'I was forced into it'
  
• Pride - 'My reputation was online'
  
• Revenge- 'I was settling the score'
  
• Self defense - 'I didn't start it'
  
• Using alcohol or drugs- 'I was high'
  
• Low self-esteem- 'I have no one to turn to'
  
• Media influence- 'I saw it in a movie'
  

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