5th Column

Velu, you are on course for an award for relief work
My Dear Velu,
I thought I must write to you in these troubled times, when you are being flooded with appeals to attend the conference in Tokyo and we are being flooded with rain and are appealing to everyone for help.

I must concede Velu, that in addition to being a ruthless terrorist, you would have made a brilliant politician that would have made the likes of Ronnie de Mel and Sarath Amunugama and maybe even SB and GL blush because you are so clever at changing your tune ever so often.

You led everyone to believe that you have given up your dream of a separate state by making various vague statements which were interpreted in a thousand different ways. Of course, the trick was to fool not only the green camp but also Norway and Uncle Sam and you seem to have succeeded until now.

After all, in these times when Uncle Sam is used to giving orders and then marching into countries and taking them over, oil and all, when their orders are ignored, you must be the only person they are "appealing" to, begging you to attend the Tokyo talks!

But now, all of a sudden, you come up with this excuse that decisions taken at previous talks have not been implemented and ask for some kind of interim administration! Are we to assume, Velu, that you have kept your side of the bargain and implemented every decision? So for instance, you would have no child soldiers and those informants suddenly found dead in Colombo must be dying of natural causes?

Then Velu, what is all this talk we hear that you and Bala don't see eye to eye anymore? This must be a bad time for all those of the 'Bala' type because our own Bala- with whom you incidentally negotiated nearly ten years ago- was sent packing by Satellite not so long ago. But surely Velu, you must have some compassion for the man because if the talks fail, so will his kidneys and who knows what would happen without government helicopters at his beck and call to rush him for treatment?

But I am sure, Velu, you will find a way out of this mess and keep everyone happy. But be careful not to rock the boat too much because if you do, the Greens will be toppled and you will have to talk to the likes of Tilvin and Wimal instead of the Professor and Millie and I'm sure you wouldn't understand a word of what they say-even we don't!

And don't be serious when you ask for interim administrations either. Remember, the Green Man once jokingly said he would hand over Satellite to you for ten years and if you persist he may actually do that. You wouldn't want that to happen, would you?

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS- I was really amused to hear of your offer to help with flood relief, Velu. What do you intend to send? Landmines to clear the remaining areas affected by landslides or cyanide for those who have lost family members, perhaps? Or maybe you could send the Sea Tigers to ferry the displaced people? But then, the way it is now, you may even win an award for humanitarian services for doing just that!

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