| Mirror
Magazine |
||||
|
Why do couples madly in love fall apart over racial and religious differences? Ishani Ranasinghe & Marisa de Silva find out Standing strong Sounds familiar?
It sure does. In our day to day lives, many, if not all of us, have
either personally experienced or know some close friend or relative
who has either gone against her family for the sake of love or sacrificed
love for the sake of the family. There's no right or wrong stand
on this issue because as we came to realise, there are very real
and legitimate arguments that run on both sides of the line. Take the case
of *Jaden, a staunch Catholic who had a nine-year relationship with
a Muslim boy with the knowledge and consent of both their parents.
The couple were madly in love and everyone thought they were a match
made in heaven. And so it would have been, if not for one slight
hitch. They got engaged, arranged a date for the wedding, everything
was set, when the groom-to-be's family started to pressure him to
get her to convert. Up until then
however, there was a good understanding between the couple that
neither of them would ask nor expect the other to convert but, the
family pressure was too great for even such a long-standing affair.
Therefore, due to Jaden's refusal to convert and her boyfriend's
inability to stand up to his family, they broke up. An unfortunate
twist of fate or a conflict of priorities? Nothing should
be a problem if you really love your partner but, "my grandmother
might have a heart attack, if I marry someone from a different religion,"
says Jamie, 19. Her personal belief however, is that if a girl plans
to get into a relationship with a boy from a different race, she
must either be willing to make many sacrifices for him or come to
some sort of mutual agreement that would be beneficial to both parties.
"In a relationship, there must always be give and take and
you shouldn't care what others think because it's finally your decision,"
she says with conviction. Some may make
the statement that love can conquer anything. Maybe it can stand
the test of time through sickness and health or for better or worse
but can it endure society's scorn or being disowned by one's family?
That's where the real test lies. How many of us ordinary people
can overcome forces as powerful and persistent as these? "When
we first started going out, it was because we had so much fun together
and liked each other," says Shihani, 26. But gradually it became
serious, "and all hell broke loose". Shihani had to face
many objections because her boyfriend was a Tamil. Finally, understanding
the differences were too great and the awareness that things might
not work out, they separated. "I didn't want to risk hurting
my parents," she continued. "When
you are in a relationship like this, people are going to talk,"
is what *Jeevanthi had to say. "Apart from my parents, I had
to deal with my friends and afterwards my relations." It was
tough and she agrees that everyone had a point. But in the end,
they reluctantly came around in the face of the couple's unwavering
determination. Are we being
fair to categorise all those who don't see the sense of inter-racial
or inter-religious relationships as being prejudiced? Is that the
only argument against this sort of relationship? We soon found out
otherwise. Nineteen-year-old
Denu feels that your partner being of a different faith is fine
as long as both parties concerned respect each other's religion
and find common ground. They should also be committed to the relationship
because there is the chance that things might not go too smoothly.
"You have to realise parental opinion does count, especially
in a country like Sri Lanka," she says. Sabeeha feels
that if the two people love each other, differences in race and
religion shouldn't be a problem at all. "They should be able
to compromise." But what do
parents feel? How open are they to the idea of their children finding
partners from a different community? One parent said she would not
want it for the sake of her child. "There are going to be problems
and I don't want my child to go through it," she said. "It's
not really right and the chances of such a marriage working out
is slim," said another mother. One mother,
after much thought said that she guessed it would be o.k. "But
they have to know what they are getting into and also have things
sorted out beforehand." Kimara, (21),
says that race doesn't really come into play much because it's mostly
to do with differing cultures, traditions or last names. "To
an extent, I see why people may claim that when it comes to religion,
it's best if you could keep it the same but, I don't think it should
ever act as the deciding factor between whether or not a relationship
is viable." She adds wistfully
that "if someday, you are lucky enough to find a partner as
close to your 'dream person' as you're ever going to get, you shouldn't
be stupid enough to throw it all away for the reason that he doesn't
belong to your race or religion. You may live to regret that decision." It's hardly
an impossible feat for two people of different races or religions
to make a relationship or marriage work but there are a few additional
obstacles that other newly wed couples may not have to face. For
starters, the type of wedding ceremony must be decided upon. Then
there is the question of what religion any children they might have
would be brought up in. These decisions
must all be taken at some point and though each party can feel strongly
on such important issues, many compromises have been made successfully
in countless relationships and some of the happiest marriages around
have been those of mixed couples. But it has not always been easy.
Take the case
of *Roshan, a Buddhist and his wife *Dinu who's a Christian who
got married on the premise that they'd wait till their children
were old enough to decide on a religion for themselves. However,
once the child was born, they decided to go ahead with a Christian
baptism. As time went by and the child grew up and started going
to school, *Roshan's parents used to take their grandchild and go
to the temple after school. As a result of this *Dinu, separated
from her husband. Eventually
though, after an incident where their daughter became seriously
ill and both parents were asked to be present in hospital, they
decided to try out counselling to resolve their issues. This was
successful and they remain happily married up to date. Counsellor
Mrs. Anne Abayasekera believes that such marriages do work. "The
two parties should be able to understand and respect each other's
religion." She also says
that if a person is dedicated to his/her religion and he/she thinks
there is no other religion but theirs, she doesn't see why they
even think of marrying outside their faith. That attitude doesn't
help and she feels that if such a person is to marry, that's because
of his/her hidden agenda to get the partner to convert. When people
are in love, they don't really think about others, "But it
is important to remember that it will be the little difficulties
that will become major problems," Mrs. Abayasekera warns. "I know
a lot of people who have married outside their faith and are happy,"
she says. "Before getting married, they have to discuss things
thoroughly - like when a child is born what his or her religion
will be." This is because it is a risky situation with lots
of emotions involved. When a child is born, the in-laws come in
and want their grandchild to be of their own religion. "The
couple should be able to stand up to it or it could lead to problems." Her advice
to people who want to marry outside their religion is to look into
yourself and see if you can be happy living with the person and
also understand that he/she might not always share your views. For
example, when in sickness, while you might turn to your religion
for comfort and strength your partner will turn to his/her religion
for strength, thus, you will not be able to share it. "Basically,
you should be able to say 'you do it your way and I will do it mine
but we will get through this together'." She gives the
case of a couple who are Hindu and Roman Catholic. "Here they
respected each other's religion and paid attention to it. They celebrated
each other's festivals and basically had a good understanding."
But she is also quick to point out that even though there have been
quite a few successful marriages, there have also been some which
have been rocky and broken up. There may be isolated instances where both families have been understanding and realised that together with their support and love, the couple can overcome their problems. Such families respect the decision of their children and help them get by. Unfortunately, these are few and far between. The situation might be improving now, for after all we are living in the 21st century. But the question we need to ask is how many of us, both young and old, have actually updated our thought processes and shed our prejudices. As Anne Abayasekera points out, "We're all human beings first, before we're separated by different faiths." |
||||
Copyright © 2001 Wijeya Newspapers
Ltd. All rights reserved. |
boyfriend
is a Catholic.
