Best of friends, worst of enemies
Sibling rivalry exists in most families and can be a difficult part of growing up. Aaysha Cader looks at how parents and children can deal with this sensitive and often emotional issue.
“You had no business to take my clothes without my permission, lend them to your friends, and not even return them!” comes the yell. “I have ‘booked’ the TV for 9 o’clock tonight, because I want to watch the movie and I MUST have it!” Screams from another household: “But I am NOT my sister!! I am ME!!”

It’s a familiar scene, and every household has it. From the daily routine of fighting for the TV, the computer or the phone, to the bickering over whose turn it is to lay the table, to drumming it into people’s heads that you cannot possibly be the same as your ‘perfect’ sister or brother, sibling rivalry has been one of humanity’s oldest problems, and one that many parents agonise over.

“My elder brother is so annoying,” says *Ravini (15), “he’s always on the phone, so I have to fight with him to get it!” Very often the most vigorous of sibling disputes revolves around the possession of the phone, the TV or the computer, and if there’s only one of each, well, it won’t be too long before major combat erupts in the household.

Then again, a little bit of research reveals that even if there’s more than one of those vital appliances at home, there’s still bound to be some bickering. Some families have resorted to drawing up a timetable for the week, stating the times each sibling can have the Internet and the phone-line. This is not such a bad idea, considering that some amount of peace can be achieved through the procedure.

Siblings fight for a number of reasons, but most often it is for parental attention. Especially in families where one sibling is exceptionally gifted, the excessive attention showered on him/her might have a detrimental effect on others. “My sister is really smart,” says *Sashini (13), “and my parents keep telling me that I should be like her.” Her sister confides that although Sashini does not make a fuss about it, the fact that the two of them are compared affects her badly.

Says counsellor Anne Abayasekara, “It’s only natural to praise a child who is gifted, but parents must guard against excessive praise of one child.” She reasons that very often parents don’t realize the impact it could have on the other siblings, as it might lead to them feeling inadequate and under-achievers, and might result in a scar they will carry through to their adulthood. Moreover, it is also bound to generate hostility amongst siblings.

The fingers don’t always point at parents, though. In some cases, it is teachers, and extended family who make an unnecessary fuss. “My parents are really cool,” says *Husna (12), whose sister is extremely brilliant. “My mum and dad know they can’t expect me to be like her, but my teachers are impossible!” she laments, adding that she hates parent-teacher meetings because “they talk more about how good my sis is, than what I need to improve on.”

“Sometimes we all gang up on her,” quips her other sister *Sarah (15), justifying the term ‘sibling rivalry’ to perfection. “It’s not that we aren’t proud of her, it’s just that sometimes her ‘perfection’ gets very annoying,” she says.

Most sibling rivalry springs from the competitor within the child. When siblings compete at being good at the same thing it’s easy to feel upset and disappointed when they don’t match up. Although they are probably proud of their siblings who do well, it’s only normal for a child to feel just a little envious. The way to get over this is by remembering that siblings don’t need to compete against each other. Everyone’s different in his or her own way, and each one has talents that the other does not.

Having said that, most of the time, petty jealousies erupt not from the fact that a sibling is a better achiever, but because of the attention he/she gets from his/her parents. “Even if you are drawn to a particular child,” says Mrs. Abayasekara, “parents should guard against making a fuss about it.”

Each child has his/her own special set of strengths and is unique in his or her own way. In an achievement-oriented society, comparisons only lead to a loss of self-esteem of the child. Unfortunately self-confidence once broken is very difficult to repair. “Each child must be loved, and appreciated for who he/she is,” says a parent Mrs. Lilani Jayatilaka, emphasizing that a solid foundation that the child is important must be laid early, or it might result in serious damage to a child’s personality.

A child must also be rewarded on how much he/she has improved from what he/she was previously, not on how well he/she has fared compared to his/her siblings; they must be recognized for who they are, not for what they can do.

Ms. Abayasekara also says that parents should not have ‘favourites’ as this is a breeding ground for hostility. As for routine verbal tussles between kids, she says that they must be resolved with minimum parental involvement.

Says *Mrs. Perera, a mother of three, “I have resolved that I’m no longer going to be judge and jury to their little disputes.” It has worked well for her, she says, as her kids now realize that ‘fighting’ does not bring her attention. This is in fact a multi-purpose strategy: Most kids don’t like to see their parents upset, and “Children hate it when they are ignored,” she explains, so when they run the risk of settling things alone, they not only learn to compromise, but it has also resulted in a remarkable reduction of verbal battles.

In the majority of cases, parental involvement in a sibling dispute might only accelerate the rivalry. “You should only get involved in your children’s disputes if there’s a danger of physical harm,” says Ms. Abayasekara. She stresses, however, that even if parents do intervene, they should try to resolve the problems with their children, not for them, adding that it is more effective to talk to each child and try to reason with him/her.
“One thing that really annoys me is that my parents always give in to my younger brother,” says *Marsha (14). Parents must make sure that older children don’t have to give in to the younger one on the basis of “He’s little” or “He wouldn’t have known.”

“Children should be able to see that their parents are fair by all siblings,” says a parent. They may not know the intricacies of law, but the doctrine of ‘Justice must not only be done but also seen to be done’ reigns supreme in the mindset of every child. If one of them even assumes that the other is being favoured, it will only lead to an acceleration of the rivalry, with possibly worse consequences.

Except for a few exceptions, fighting and petty jealousies gradually subside as most youngsters enter the latter stages of their teenage years. “I used to fight with my elder brother,” says Fadhil (18), “but not any more.” As you grow older, you become more mature and begin to understand that these things are not worth fighting for, he says, adding that he has now fitted into the role of ‘mediator’ in the disputes of his two younger brothers. “When you grow older, you realize that you’re expected to be more responsible, and at the end of the day we argue because we care for the other’s well-being,” was his opinion.

More often than not, siblings fight so passionately because they know they will never lose the brotherhood or sisterhood they share. For example, a child will say something hateful to a sibling, knowing fully well they will still be siblings and friends when the fight is over. You fight with your playmate, and he might pack up his toys and go away for good: with your sibling you know it’s different.

“I get angry so fast with my sisters because I’m naturally inclined to being extra-critical of them, and I know they’ll always be there,” says Anisha (19). Especially when they ask for help with homework, she says they almost always get angry and end up fighting. “It’s not the case with friends though, I don’t lose my temper that often, and just because I get mad at my sis it doesn’t mean that I hate her,” says she, confirming that they never keep grudges.

As siblings grow older, they not only tend to fight less, but even the impact of odious comparisons to other siblings tends to decrease. “It used to bug me quite a bit earlier, though not to the extent that I thought I was deficient,” says Sureka (19). However, she says that even those who used to ask her why she couldn’t be like her sister have now put a stop to it as well. “I don’t want to be my sister, I want to be me!” she says.

Sibling rivalry has been one of those problems that have stood the test of time, baffling parents through the generations. It’s one of those things that make you want to pull your hair and just scream non-stop, but there’s also the flip side of the coin of course. Sibling rivalry of a milder degree can help promote several important skills while coping with disagreements and disputes, like how to value another’s perspective, compromise and negotiate. Just like a little democracy, except that modern democracy is a far cry from what siblings should aspire to emulate.

Being a good sibling is a tough task; remember even Cain and Abel had a problem, though we hope that our own wars in the household don’t go that far. Whatever the pros and cons of the issue, you can be sure that siblings are the only people with whom you can be best friends one minute, bitter enemies the other, and still be assured of being best friends again when you want to! That’s not something you can do with everyone, which is all the more reason as to why we should, for their happiness and ours, put a stop to the wars in the living room and try to make the times we spend with each other pleasant.

As you grow up, your friends change. They might move away or become interested in different things. But your siblings will always be there - in good times and in bad. Family relationships are usually the strongest bonds there are. For your own happiness and theirs, try to make the times with each other more good than bad!

Some tried and tested tactics that parents can use:

• Don’t try to avoid arguments by giving equally to each child, because children are different themselves and are bound to find something that’s unfair. Instead, try to give to each child according to the individual need.
• Stay out of the minor verbal battles, and don’t take sides during sibling fights. Leave them to settle their own differences, except of course when they resort to physical violence.
• Always be fair in your dealings with kids, and when you’re sure you are doing the right thing, don’t give in to the famous “But it’s not fair!” strategy that most children use to achieve their ends.
• Don’t favour one child over the other, and never make statements like “She is my favourite child” or “He’s the apple of his father’s eye”. They are irresponsible, and lay the perfect platform for disputes among siblings.
  

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