Mirror Magazine

Mirror Magazine

What relationship?
By Aditha Dissanayake
Every girl knows it’s impossible to have an intimate, mutually fulfilling, long-term relationship with a guy, who she thinks she likes in an extra special way, (unless he happens to be an adorable pet canine!). What they may not know is that, the reason why it is impossible to get on peacefully with a guy is because he never understands what she means when she talks about ‘their relationship’.

According to Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys the word ‘relationship’ does not exist in a guy’s brain. This is so, because a guy’s brain is not comfortable with concepts like love, need and relationships. So, even though a girl may find this hard to believe, it would never have occurred to a guy who takes her out, who calls or sends her an SMS her every five minutes a day, and who introduces her to his family and friends, that he is having a ‘relationship’ with her.

A guy in a relationship, according to Dave Barry is like an ant standing on top of a truck tire. The ant is aware that something large is there, but he cannot even dimly comprehend what it is. And if the truck starts moving and the tire starts to roll, the ant will sense that something important is happening, but the only thought in his tiny brain, until he gets squashed, would be ‘Huh?’.
Yes. The sum total of a guy’s thoughts on relationships is ‘Huh?’ or ‘Eh?’ or ‘What? (Mokakda?)’.

So, girls, here is a story to keep in mind when you are next tempted to form a relationship with a guy or when you next begin to doubt if you are having any kind of ‘relationship’ at all with the guy you have been married to, all these years.

Call her Marshi. Call him Avinthe. He is taking her home after a party for which they were invited as a couple. They have been seeing each other regularly and their families and friends have accepted them as two people who are going ‘steady’.

While they stop for the traffic lights at Maradana, it suddenly occurs to Marshi that it’s six months since they first began to go out together. “Do you realise that we have been seeing each other for exactly six months?” She asks Avinthe.

The traffic lights change colour. Avinthe shifts the gears and the car begins to move. In Marshi’s ears the silence inside the car seems unbearably loud. “Gosh. Did I say the wrong thing?” she begins to wonder. “Would he think I am trying to push him into forming some kind of a relationship with me?”
And Avinthe is thinking. “Eh? Six months?”

And Marshi is thinking. “Hey. I don’t want a relationship either. Does this mean we are heading towards marriage? Children? A lifetime together? What’s going to happen to my job? Would he ask me to quit and stay at home to look after him and the kids? But do I really even know him yet to sacrifice my life for him?”

And Avinthe is thinking “Six months? So… that means, let me see, it was in January that we started going out. That was when I last serviced the car because I remember her telling me she liked the clean, interior smell when she sat in the passenger seat. Six months. How could I have forgotten to have got it serviced again for so long?”

And Marshi is thinking, “He is upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe he doesn’t want just a relationship with me? Maybe he wants something more? More intimacy? More commitment? Maybe he senses my reservations. Perhaps he is scared of being rejected?”

And Avinthe is thinking, “I’ll have to make a booking tomorrow. And this time they’d better fix the speedometer properly. To think they charged 500 rupees more for fixing it last time. The incompetent, thieving, morons!”
And Marshi is thinking, “He is angry and I don’t blame him. But I am not sure if he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Is he my dream man? Is he my knight in shining armour?”

And Avinthe is thinking, “They’ll probably say there is nothing wrong with the speedometer this time.”
Then, Marshi says aloud, “I am sorry. It was wrong of me. I know in real life, there are no knights or horses”. “No horses?” asks Avinthe, having heard only the last part of what Marshi had said. “You think I am silly don’t you?” says Marshi, quickly wiping the tears pouring down her cheeks. “No,” Avinthe says, relieved he knows the correct answer to this one. “It’s just that I need some time,” says Marshi. Avinthe tries to think of a safe response. “Yes,” he says when he realises he should not stay silent for too long. Marshi seems deeply moved. She places her hand on his arm. “Avinthe, do you really feel that way?” She asks him gently.

“What way?” he asks trying not to show he is confused. “That way about time?” says Marshi. “Oh”, says Avinthe. “Yes. Of course.”
She turns her head to stare at him. He is driving, so he does not take his eyes off the road to look at her. But he is nervous and he senses she is crying. What kind of a question would she ask next? Would it also be about a horse? What should he say if it is about a horse? Drops of sweat begin to form on his forehead. Marshi says in a quiet voice, “Thank you, Avinthe.” He is relieved beyond belief. “No problem,” he mutters under his breath.

Then he takes her home and she lies on her bed, wide-awake till dawn, trying hard to painstakingly analyse everything she had said and everything he had said. He on the other hand falls into a deep sleep the moment his head touches the pillow. But before he enters the land of oblivion he decides to ask Marshi’s friends tomorrow whether she’d had a traumatic experience with a horse in the past!

That’s what everything boils down to, when it comes to guys and relationships. A girl, therefore, should never assume that she is in a relationship with a guy. But, she can be sure, that when he tells his friends that, “She and I, we have, ummm…. We have, ahhh… we have this thing,” he sincerely means it.

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