5th Column

Satellite's ten years survival and surprises
My Dear Satellite,
As we end ten years of your reign and begin yet another one, I thought I must write to you, if only to say how glad we are that you are still at the top when most people didn't give you half a chance of lasting ten months…

Just how you managed it, even though the Greens took over for a short while in between, surprises us all, but I believe you would have to thank Junius' bahubootha viyawasthaawa as well.

Even so, a few matters still surprise us, Satellite. For instance, we can't imagine how you sit at the same Cabinet table with the rathu sahodarayas when they go around the country calling you names and describing you in very unflattering terms.

Then, you have had to deal with guys who burn nightclubs as a hobby and the bitter halves of some of them who allegedly carry knives in their handbags. You have also had to contend with judges being killed on their doorsteps days after you said some of them were corrupt and grenades being thrown at musical shows. You must realise that for all this, the people blame you even though you tend to blame a certain man from Kotte!

Then there is that Solheim chap and the Norwegians who come knocking at your doorstep every fortnight. We know you have to pretend that you are interested in peace talks with that "modern day Hitler" in the North and so far quite a few have believed you as well.

I know you have been telling us that the cost of living has risen sky high, Satellite, only because oil prices have risen to record heights. Now that oil prices have fallen again we are awaiting your next explanation as to why the cost of living is not declining-but I'm sure you will give us a very convincing reason. For instance, it may be that this is all a Green conspiracy!

What we like about you, Satellite, is that even after ten years you still retain that ability to entertain. Hearing you address the nation from Matara the other day, we thought you had just returned from a visit to the zoo. All those you described that day were Greens but I'm quite confident that you would be describing the Reds too in similar fashion in the not too distant future…

But right now, Satellite you must be busy plotting your next move. I'm sure you will follow Junius' footsteps and hold a referendum, amend the constitution and then stay on and on. And with you-know-who in jail because of describing judgements as "canine verdicts", I don't foresee many problems-unless the Reds kick up a fuss or Velu loses his patience.

Nevertheless, I'm sure you will survive as you have done for the past ten years. So we must wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. I won't even try to make it to the party at the Janadhipathi Mandiraya because I'm told they are not serving X'mas cake this year-and are serving bibikkan instead!

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS-I heard the police are offering a two million-rupee reward for any news about the grenade thrower at the concert. Why don't you go and claim your prize, Satellite, because we all heard you publicly announce who the culprit was? We knew you were smart, Satellite, but we didn't know you were so smart…

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