Mirror Magazine

Mirror Magazine

Lonely spells
Feeling like no one cares for you? Seem as if they can’t understand your pain? Seeing a deeper shade of blue? If so, N. Dilshath Banu has a few suggestions

Another day starts with sunshine and flowers in full bloom. Peeping out of your window, you see smiling faces and hear endless conversations. Walking out of the room, you see the world enjoying life – even some of the animals you pass by seem to find pleasure in whatever little activities they are engaged in.

You may have met many people and uttered hundreds of ‘Good mornings’ and ‘Hellos’, yet you feel something is missing. Some kind of emptiness surrounds you and you feel like you are walking in an empty atmosphere, where no one seems to bother about what you are up to. You may meet your friends, yet find it difficult to get connected and tell them how you are feeling. During school hours or at work, you feel like no one has ever noticed your lack of participation. Then you feel that your life is veering on the edge of loneliness.

Loneliness is having your best buddy miles away with no one else to share your pain or joy. And it is the hollow voice that says, “I am all alone in this world and nobody wants to hear what I am saying.” Everyone feels lonely from time to time. No one is immune to this feeling of ‘emptiness’.

It’s not one isolated situation, which makes you feel lonely. Ironically, loneliness never travels alone. It comes with sadness, resentment, anxiety, guilt and depression. And also new situations such as the loss of a partner, a move to a new community, a job promotion or transfer can trigger loneliness. On the other hand, loneliness can creep in when relationships and situations become routine and repetitive. Sometimes, loneliness and boredom go hand in hand.

Rajeev* (16) says, “When my opinions are rejected and when I am put down before a large number of people, I feel very depressed and lonely. Knowing that I am feeling lonely, my friends try to calm me down, but most of the time, I tell them that I am ok.”

Rajeev added that whenever he feels lonely, he fills his time by listening to the radio, until he overcomes these feelings of emptiness. And he admits that he is very reluctant to talk about his loneliness with his friends.

Dinu (18) says that she feels lonely, when she is stuck with never ending work and when her mother yells at her saying how stupid she is. “During these times, I try not to feel guilty and try to relax a bit by listening to music and getting some sleep.”

Twenty-one-year-old Sharmila*, who lost her parents when she was very young and who has been living in hostels most of the time, says that she feels very lonely thinking about the loss of her parents. “Lots of instances bring me to tears when I feel like I don’t have a home. Unfortunately I am the only child, so sometimes I feel like I really am alone in this world.”

Sharmila says, “Some of my aunts and uncles do care for me, yet it’s not like having a family. I do miss having a family, but I have faith in God and feel that he’s with me all the time. During lonely periods, I go to church, pray a lot, read the Bible very often and read lots of books. This gives me the chance to turn away from lonely feelings and find strength to face the world.”

“I feel lonely when I get into an uncertain situation,” says Amalka* (17) and she added that most often it concerns examination results. “I get scared accompanied by loneliness, whenever I have to face very doubtful situations. And I’m also a person who’s scared of loneliness. My parents are very helpful and they guide me through many tough situations. They often tell me that loneliness is a part of growing up, so there’s nothing to worry about. Usually I try to talk to my friends, send them e-mails and check whose birthday is coming up and try to buy some presents.”

Rizna* (22), who’s at home for a couple of days as a result of a leg injury, says that she feels lonely when she’s at home in bed doing nothing. “When I have to stay in bed, I feel very lonely as I miss my office. During this period, I try to read something or spend time with my mother and grandmother, as everybody goes to work on weekdays. I also do some work on the computer and try to make the best of the time I have.”

Randique (22) says, “I feel lonely without my family and friends. During this time, I listen to music and watch whatever films come my way.” Most of the time, we interpret loneliness as being alone. But it’s not. Many people admit that it is very important that one must take time alone to be with themselves, to make changes to their routine work, to learn new things and simply to communicate with themselves. And of course, most of us do yearn to be alone and just spend time by ourselves. However, there are some people who enjoy being alone and doing things rather than getting into groups.

Dulara* (23) is one such person who enjoys being alone in his cocoon. Yes, he has friends!!! “I enjoy being by myself and I rarely feel lonely. In the case of a party, where I am expecting to dance with my girlfriend and she doesn’t turn up, then I feel lonely. During these times, I will hang out with my friends.”

Radhika* (24) who also enjoys doing things alone says, “Being alone gives me the chance to be more attentive to my needs, especially my health. I plan lots of things alone and do a little gardening, reading, especially newspapers and do meditation. I do have some friends with whom I get together with occasionally. I can’t think of many lonely moments, as I always make it a point to occupy myself with something. But sometimes, if things are not going according to my way, I feel lonely and during those times I do a lot of meditation and gardening.”

“Loneliness can be seen differently by many. For some, being alone with a book is a pleasure, but for others it could be the other way around,” says Mrs. Anne Abeysekara, a well-known counsellor, adding, “Some of us can easily make friends and be comfortable in a room full of strangers. But there are people who cannot relate to being with strangers.

These kinds of people feel lonely most of the time. For example, if a young person from the Southern part of the country comes to Colombo, for their education, he/she will have to integrate into the new society. If not, these people will fall into spells of ‘loneliness’.”

Mrs. Abeysekara adds that most people do not integrate themselves into new communities due to shyness. “Shy people have created barriers between themselves and others. They fear that they’ll be rejected. I found that shyness in young people is a terrible handicap.”

Says Mrs. Abeysekara, “For some young people, the pressure of examinations makes them feel lonely. It’s true that they should pass examinations, but parents and teachers shouldn’t make these out to be the only important things in life, as there are other options. Today, young people don’t look for options, as they are not taught to look into them. It is the same in relationships. If you lose a partner, it’s not the end of life. If you’re rejected and if others make fun of you, you compare yourself with others and then feel lonely. A low level of self-esteem does contribute to loneliness.”

“Circumstances do isolate you, but it doesn’t isolate you from the rest of your life. Most of us go through some kind of crisis in life. But we have this support group of people close to us. If you don’t have a support group or haven’t built up a support group, then whatever the crisis you are in, you’re going to be lonely. If you are in a support group, you know that you’re not alone. You understand that they too have gone through the same problem and they share the same pain. And you’ll be confident in dealing with the problem. You must also note that support groups don’t come to you, you have to reach them,” stressed Mrs. Abeysekara.

When questioned on ways to deal with loneliness, Mrs. Abeysekara said that dealing with loneliness differs according to the individual, but one common factor is that lonely people don’t have outside interests. “When I suggest some kind of social group, or choir and play scrabble, they find it hard to take that step, to go to an unknown place or try out unknown things. Something inside prevents them from reaching out to people. You have to be a friend to make friends.”

But most importantly, she says that we should forget ourselves and reach out to others. “Instead of pondering on our lonely life, we could check what’s happening in the lives of others. What are the things they are interested in and any key area of concern for both of you to get connected,” added Mrs. Abeysekara.

(Names have been changed)

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