Mirror Magazine

Mirror Magazine

Friendly territory
Friendship with someone from the opposite sex. Is it a possibility for you, or is it an invitation to a relationship full of complexity? Could it be a great way to have a different perspective? N. Dilshath Banu looks into ‘just friendships’

Suddenly, your life was turned upside down and things were not what they were. Then she was beside you, helping you to overcome the challenging situations you faced. Looking back, she has been with you for most of your life. During happy times, she used to share your unending joys. During moments of tears, you could cry on her shoulder. At the same time, she used to share her stories with you as well. Both of you knew that one could trust and share things with the other, without fearing betrayal.

Occasionally both of you get together and go out to have lunch, go shopping, attend parties and sometimes even catch a movie. Lots of people have spotted you and her together in many places. Yes you love her and she loves you. But this relationship does not have a strain of romance in it. It’s friendship – one of those platonic relationships.

Three decades ago, platonic relationships were unthinkable for some of us in our society. It was then an idealistic notion of the West. Some even maintained that platonic relationships were a result of cultural invasion by the West. If someone is spotted having a chat with a member of the opposite sex, they were considered romantically involved. Society proclaimed that no platonic relationship could exist between a girl and a boy.

Today you cannot avoid being seen with someone of the opposite sex. In school, in tuition classes, at your workplace, shopping malls and neighbouring streets – anywhere! Can you make it anywhere without bumping into someone of the opposite sex? It’s unavoidable. And most of us agree that we can be friends regardless of gender differences. Anybody who tells you otherwise is under one of the following three social delusions:

1) That everybody of the opposite sex is so physically attractive that platonic relationships are truly impossible,

2) That everybody of the opposite sex wants you only for bad intentions, and

3) That the only thing that can successfully cross the gender divide is sexual in nature.

First and foremost, people are drawn to each other for a variety of reasons and they aren’t always physical. Some people will be very close friends, some will be acquaintances, some may evolve into enemies, and yes, some will even evolve into love affairs, but no one thing will ever define which category any given person will fall into. Friendship or in this case, platonic relationships, is not defined by race, religion, social standing, looks, intelligence, athletic abilities, the clothes you wear, the things you own or the way you talk, and it isn’t defined by gender.

People grow close for complex reasons and that closeness is made strongest by having similar values, common goals and shared experiences. You can have these things with anyone regardless of gender, and the fact that they are a person of the opposite sex does not mean that a relationship has to be romantic or even physical in nature.

Though this millennium has opened the door for rapid development through gender equality, some societies still restrict platonic relationships and the age-old theory, which dictates that when a guy and a girl meet, it’s nothing but romance reigns supreme. Opinions, anyone?

Kalpani (21)
“I think boys and girls can be friends; ‘just friends’ without any kind of attraction. The younger generation, especially, embraces the idea of platonic relationships. The problem arises when the older generation misinterpret relationships between girls and guys. But now things are getting a little better, maybe due to changes in society.”

Venuri* (19)
“I think boys don’t gossip like girls do. And you can expect a promise to be kept with them, without fearing that the truth will be revealed. Sometimes I feel very embarrassed when one of my friends from the opposite sex asks me out for a romantic date. Then sometimes I feel betrayed, because they know that I just want them to be my friends. But I guess it’s ok to let your feelings out rather than keep it in.”

Sanath* (22)
“I’ve had a best friend from the opposite sex for nearly six years, and it’s a one-in-a-million experience to have a long platonic relationship with Samanthi*. I met her during my O/level revision classes. I had a crush on one of her friends; it’s then that I became friends with her. With her help, I really got through to my crush. But we broke up after two years, because she is from a different religious background. We broke up during our A/levels and I was really down. Samanthi used to help me a lot with my missed lectures and filled the gaps in my notebooks. I got through my examination because of Samanthi.”

“I go out with Samanthi for lunch, and join her during shopping, although usually shopping with Samanthi takes a long time. I still don’t know why girls have to be so choosy when it comes to clothes and other stuff. Sometimes, it’s really tiring to walk around shopping malls, looking for all kinds of clothes and to finally buy nothing. But I guess now I too have become a little choosy when it comes to clothes.”

Shermil (23)
“Friendship between guys and girls is not bad if both parties know their limits, especially if your best friend is from the opposite sex. It’s ok to go out, but if you are in a relationship with someone, then you have to tell that person that the relationship you have with your friend of the opposite sex is only a platonic one. And you have to make sure that it stays that way. Because when you have problems with your partner, you may tend to go out with your best friend, and if later on you find that your friend is more understanding than your partner, you may even want to shift your relationships.”

Mariam* (22)
“It’s difficult to accept platonic relationships, as I live in a society which does not approve of such relationships. Some cultures do not accept this type of relationship due to the complexity that can arise. Sometimes, it’s really confusing to communicate with the opposite sex, when one of them has a crush on the other.”

“I have made friends with some boys, but I don’t talk to them much. Most of the time I move around with girls. And I believe that you cannot share all kinds of things with the opposite sex. Sometimes, men don’t understand women and women don’t understand men, due to their natural differences. So I guess, it’s always easy to get along with someone who you think will understand you better.”

Reka*
“A successful platonic relationship depends on the individuals themselves. To be honest, I feel it’s very inconvenient to be friends with boys, because sometimes I tend to have crushes on them after a while. As a result, I have very few friends from the opposite sex. But I don’t say it’s wrong to have friends of the opposite sex. People can be friends, if they are comfortable with each other, regardless of their gender differences.”

It’s true that a well-rounded person is able to secure different relationships with different people, and get different things out of the relationship without ever deconstructing that relationship down to a gender based stereotype. In other words, not everything in life is about sexual attraction and to suggest that a friendship between a guy and a girl will always be plagued by sexual tension is naïve, sexist and unproved theory. Anybody who is comfortable in their own skin won’t choose friends based on something as superficial as gender. So all you folks, may I have your attention for a few seconds to say – yes, yes, yes, guys and girls can be just FRIENDS!
(* Names have been changed)

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