Mirror Magazine

Mirror Magazine

The thorny clash
Your best friend and your girl/boyfriend. Does there have to be a choice between the two? Why can’t they get on together, and ease up your rising stress levels? Smriti Daniel takes a closer look
The spotlight comes on. The commentator begins his introduction and ta-da-da-da – there’s someone new on the stage of your life. He is without a doubt the absolute love of your life – in fact it would be safe to say that you have never felt like this before. You’re even beginning to get addicted to being one half of a couple, all thanks to him.

He’s not perfect, but your heart doesn’t seem to care; and now as you gear up to dance around trees and write ecstatic poetry about him, the first dark clouds appear on the horizon. Dark cloud no. 1: The best friends; dark cloud no. 2: The rest of the friends. They’re all determined to rain on your parade and you’re beginning to think all the gloom and doom must be contagious. What, oh what, are you going to do?

The war of the friends
Your best friend and your boy friend – they stand at opposite ends of the deserted square, Stetsons pulled low over their foreheads, guns cocked and ready. You stand between them hoping that by shouting “I think you should both give each other a chance,” as many times as you can at the top of your voice, you’ll (at the very least) postpone the shoot out. “All that’s missing,” you think, “is the theme music from The Wild Wild West.”

You’ve rarely felt more torn in two than you do right at this moment. Despite your conviction that they are in fact two of a kind, your best friend and your boyfriend just refuse to get along. They both claim to have “tried really hard,” but you’re sure that they haven’t really put their backs into it. You have the faintest suspicion that they are both a tad bit jealous, but since neither will confess to that (even on pain of death), you’re at a dead end. You’ve talked yourself hoarse, and yet you know you’ll soon come face to face with The Choice: best friend or boyfriend – take your pick.

Take the case for your best friend; she’s been with you for ages now and it’s come to the point where the two of you are darn near inseparable. You’ve spent all your ‘single years’ together and you’ve bonded over more tears, more laughter and more love than you can even begin to explain. You know everything there is to know about each other and you’ve already taken blood oaths to never let a mere boy come between you. However, time, your hormones, and a little thing called love, have wrought some uncomfortable changes. For instance, she’s used to calling you at any time, but of late she’s begun to find that your phone is perpetually engaged… you haven’t been there for her (as much as she’d like) and you think she just may never forgive you.

Her friends + your friends = war
You love her, she loves you, it’s as simple as that… now if only the two of you could go live on an island and sip mai tais all day things would be fine, because one thing’s for sure – where you are now is no paradise on earth. You’ve just begun to go out, and you’re fast discovering that while you and your (sometimes) better half are ‘rocking,’ your respective friends are hell bent on making things difficult. It’s not because they don’t like her or her friends don’t like you (it’s a little more complicated than that), it’s simply that her clique and your gang just can’t stand the sight of each other. Birthday parties, or any party for that matter, have become unbearable events, with both sides standing on either side of the room glaring at each other, or heaven forbid, having exceedingly polite conversations.

Since you know limbo isn’t an option, you’ve chosen to lead the double life. Both of you take turns spending time with each others’ friends, being careful all the while that neither gang suspects that you may actually be having fun (god forbid) with the other. The stress is wearing you down and a nice little holiday at the zoo is beginning to sound like a real option.

How you could make your life easier
l Don’t give in. If you’re sure this is the right person, then make this the place where you take a stand. It may be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, but make it clear to both your friend and your boy friend that both of them are in your life to stay, so they had better get used to it. The fact is that while you may be bringing them together, they are two individuals and if they grate on each other, then that is essentially their problem and not your responsibility.

l Set aside quality time for both of them. Don’t pull out of long standing plans with your friends, simply because your partner lifted her little finger. Get him or her to give you space to breathe, so that you can hang loose with your buddies. Try to be there for your friends as well on an everyday basis, and not just when your boy/girlfriend is too busy to meet up. And importantly, don’t present them with ‘the couple’; both you and your significant other are not joined at the hip.

l Put a stop to the whining and cribbing. Explain to your friends that you hate being put on the spot like this, and that being asked to choose between them and your partner is unfair, to say the least. While you care about what they think, all the pointless nit picking is getting you down and you would rather do without it. So unless either of them have something of real importance to tell you (like he’s cheating on you), you’d rather not know.

l Accept the fact that your best friend and your boyfriend don’t really need to like each other at once. Both of them are going to have to come to some sort of truce if you all stay together. Only time will tell whether what you have with your significant other is ‘pure and true,’ and whether your friend cares really enough to stick around. Be patient and let them both know that you love them so they don’t feel ditched or dumped by you.

What it’s like…
Shanthini*, 18 (My friends told me that his friends are creeps)
“My friends were totally against us going out, because they’d heard rumours about some of his friends. They thought that those guys were pretty uncool and into some weird stuff. I went ahead anyway, but the two groups never hang out together.”

Tania, 24 (the girlfriend who doesn’t ‘get along’ with her boyfriend’s best friend)
“I know that both of them are really close and that he really cares for her. However, I think there are certain boundaries that should get drawn once you’re in a relationship; lines he doesn’t want to draw. I’m left wondering who the girl friend really is.”

Renuka, 20 (currently facing The Choice – best friend or boy friend?)
“She hates him and will keep on cribbing about everything he does. She gets annoyed by any PDAs [public displays of affection], and now I just can’t talk to her anymore. It feels like she’s just waiting for me and Dinesh* to break up.”

Vajira, 19 (the boyfriend who can’t stand the best friend)
“There’s nothing I can do right when it comes to that woman, and I guess I’m angry, because I feel like she wouldn’t lose an opportunity to turn Shani* against me. I just can’t relax around her.”
(* Names have been changed.)

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