Mirror Magazine

Mirror Magazine

When the heart hurts...
Emotional abuse is never quite easy to spot, but it destroys the people who are subject to it. Hard as it is to confront the issue, it must be done. Smriti Daniel looks into the world torn by emotional cruelty

“…I was terrified of the way she used words and my dad… well, my dad just let her destroy me.”
Her voice cracks on the last words, and you can feel her fingers spasm as you hold her hands in sympathy. Your heart breaks for the little girl she was, and the confused woman she is now. You resolve to always be there for her, to always be understanding and loving.

A year later you’re still in a relationship with her, in fact the two of you have already picked out matching wedding bands. This should be a good thing, but for some reason, it isn’t. The problem is that you are desperately unhappy. According to the love of your life, there’s nothing you can do right, and what’s worse, you’re beginning to believe her. You don’t hang with your old friends anymore; they don’t understand why and frankly, neither do you. Your family and your girlfriend don’t get along, and you’ve stopped trying to bring them together. Your life has become unrecognisable, and you can’t shake the feeling that it’s all your fault.

Welcome to the world of the emotionally abused.
The scar inside
Sticks and stones, or words? Some may believe that broken bones are far more painful than mere words could ever be. The emotionally abused, however, will tell you a different story. They know that words can be used to systematically destroy a person.

Simple words are utilised to manipulate emotions and self perceptions, so that the victim of abuse loses all self respect and hope, coming to rely entirely on his or her abuser. Trapped in the world created by the dominant abuser, the victim is caught up in a nightmare from which waking seems all but impossible.
The process is often slow; so slow that many people are deeply entangled in the net of the abuser before they even begin to suspect something is wrong.

Most emotional abusers are adept at convincing their prey that somehow the victims themselves are responsible for what happened. These feelings of guilt and despair ensure that the victims are now too ashamed to talk to an outsider about their problems. Because many abusers make sure that their victims are isolated from those around them, family and friends are often unaware, and thereby unable to help the sufferers. There are no visible scars, and therefore no real ‘evidence’ that the distressed person can show to the world.

Toxic homefront
Emotional abuse at home is all about the systematic, consistent ‘diminishment’ of the child. Some parents do it intentionally, while others are unaware of the impact of their words, and are motivated by their subconscious fears. Either way, it is always a long drawn out affair; never a single event. Over the course of his or her childhood, the child’s self-concept is broken down to the point where the child feels undeserving – undeserving of respect, of friendship and especially unworthy of the natural birthright of all children; love and protection.

Sheila* now 22, remembers what it was like as an eight-year-old watching her parents fight in front of her. “They would always make me choose,” she says, adding, “and when I did, the other would be angry. Sometimes I felt like the trophy, and sometimes I felt like the weapon they used against each other.”
Some parents are driven to have their children perform well in whatever they do – be it school or extra curricular activities, so much so that even an unwilling child is bullied and pressured into ‘succeeding.’ Constant comparisons between siblings are particularly damaging. Some parents have their own specific ‘pets,’ and they will give that child preference over the others, ensuring the latter feel unloved and unwanted.

Surani* 19, is overweight, and has a mother who knows it. Her mother Mrs. Abeysinghe* is always attacking her daughter, and does not hesitate to be cruel. She often humiliates Surani in public, and will not pull her punches even in front of Surani’s friends. When the two argue, Mrs. Abeysinghe goes all out, calling her only daughter names. As a result, Surani not only hates her mother, she hates herself as well. Suli’s case is an example of active abuse that involves vicious belittling and deliberate humiliation.

Passive emotional abuse, which involves simple neglect is as bad, especially, because it is no less destructive. In some cases, it is even more so, as there is not even the illusion of caring on the part of the parents. For children and teenagers living in emotionally abusive homes, it often appears that there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. The scariest thing is that children who have been abused, sometimes grow up to become abusers themselves – they have never had the chance to learn a different way of being.

“Never ever going to give you up, never ever going to stop”
Emotional abuse within a relationship between a man and a woman can be particularly painful. While it is most likely that the man is abusing the woman, the opposite also occurs. Indrani* (27) was first attracted to Rajiv* (30), because of how sophisticated and intelligent he seemed. The attraction began to wane, however, when Rajiv started making fun of her. Indu would find him encouraging his friends to laugh at her as well, using intimate information as ammunition. When she tried to confront him, he seemed astounded that she didn’t find it ‘funny,’ calling her “over-sensitive” and “slow.” After a few months of this, Indu became withdrawn and depressed.

The longer a victim remains in the grip of an emotional abuser, the more she will start to question herself, her actions and her beliefs. A skilled abuser will make her believe that his abusive behaviour is simply a response to her ‘bad’ actions, and is therefore acceptable.

An emotional abuser will try to make his partner responsible for his happiness. He will use words, directly or indirectly to convince her that she is the cause of his unhappiness and that she must ‘fix’ it. This is of course an illusion, for however much she changes her behaviour, he will not stop.

Kamal* 25 really loves Ranjini* 23, but there are times he feels her tactics are unfair. She uses tears and silence to get him to do whatever she wants. He feels helpless, unable to say ‘no’ to her. He’s left wondering if the pain is worth the ‘good times’ and even whether this is as good as it gets.

Abuse is often cyclical, in the sense that the abusers alternate loving and caring behaviour with emotional cruelty. What the victim must understand is that someone who says such devastating and cruel things every now and then is as bad as someone who punches his partner once in a while. The pain, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the heartache are all there; only the wounds are on the inside instead of the outside, and they take far longer to heal.
What next?

Getting help
Seek help – from family and from friends. If you’re in school, your teacher might be the person to talk to. You can also visit organisations such as Women In Need (Ph: 2665870), Sahanaya (Ph: 2685960) and the National Child Protection Authority (2779196). Don’t let yourself be isolated. Talk to people and draw strength from them. If your emotional abuse is accompanied by any physical abuse, you can find a way out of the situation. If you suspect someone is being abused, draw them out, and help them get the help they need.

Arm yourself with information
The internet is a great place to start. Once you can see through your abuser’s tactics, his or her power over you will lessen. Understand that there are many people who have been in the same position, and who have gone on to lead better lives.

Don’t accept the blame
Realise that your abuser is abusive, because of his or her own issues. In fact, they hate themselves more than they could ever hate you. Don’t stay with your abuser, because you believe that he or she ‘loves’ you. They don’t understand what love is. Someone who can be so uncaring and deliberately cruel is already so absorbed in self-hate that he or she is incapable of loving himself… much less anyone else.

Stop and think
If you look at yourself and see that you have become an emotional abuser accept the fact that you are at a crossroad in your life. You have a choice, you can change, you can stop wounding the people closest to you. At some level, you probably feel hopeless and helpless, but seek help any way. A good counsellor or friend will be able to help you face your fears, and resolve your issues. Remember that change involves choosing differently every single step of the way.

(* Names have been changed.)

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