Mirror
Magazine 
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Ready
for a resolution? 1. It has been a wet rainy day and you’re spending it the way you love to – asleep in your warm bed – when your best friend calls. She wants you to come over right away so that she can get your opinion on a new dress. You: a) Roll your eyes and earnestly begin to describe the symptoms of the rare disease you’ve contracted. You say you’re throwing up something green and frothy at regular intervals, and you wouldn’t want it to stain her dress. You’re really sorry, you assure her, and add that you’re infectious. b) Rush over to see her, getting drenched in the process. She’s not in and so you return uncomplainingly home, getting even wetter. When you meet her later, you don’t say a thing. c) Her call wakes you up around mid-afternoon. You crawl to the phone and it’s only after you’ve told her you’ll see her soon that you realise you’ve already missed one appointment and are late for another. You rush off elsewhere (without calling her and canceling). d) Tell her that dresses have never suited her, that she is bound to resemble a beached whale with a bad dye job, and that you couldn’t be less interested. At the end, you icily point out that you are appalled by her lack of consideration in waking you. 2.
An ex-girl friend pops around to give you a thoughtful gift. Do
you: b) Raise your eye-brow sarcastically, and ask if this means you have to buy her something too. c) You triumphantly inform her that you bought her a gift as well. An hour later, you’re smile is strained – you’ve ransacked the house and you can’t seem to find the stuffed elephant you put in a ‘safe’ place. d) Thank her and then hand her an envelope with some money in it. You explain that you didn’t buy her a gift, because you thought she’d prefer to get her own. 3. The best, biggest, most looked forward to party is just days away, when you and your sister spot the most amazing dress that both of you have ever seen, and unbelievably it’s extremely affordable. You: a) Push her aside, jump the dress and victoriously bear it off to the cashier. You pull your wallet out with a flourish to pay, only to discover it’s empty. No worries, you say and take out a credit card, but you soon discover the company cancelled it, after you omitted to pay the last year’s bill… b) You just step out of your sister’s way. It would be just too exhausting to engage in mortal combat at this moment, and besides, you’d have to look for your wallet, which is buried somewhere in your handbag. c) Tell your sister that you don’t really want it, and that it would look nicer on her. You then give her all your money, so that she can buy matching accessories. You decide to make do with the outfit you got on sale six years ago. d) You step sideways casually, sinking your stiletto heel into her left foot; you then reflexively shove your elbow into her gut, and then (while attempting to call for help) knock her on the jaw. While your sister lies unconscious and bleeding, you walk elegantly up to the rack, claim the dress and pay for it. You call for an ambulance on your way home. 4.
You win tickets to a rock show. You: b) Love this band, and so can’t believe your luck. You ask a friend to go with you, but when she seems sad that she’ll have to leave her boyfriend behind, you give her your ticket as well and decide to stay home and mourn. c) Don’t really like the band playing, and so offer it to friends. Unfortunately by the end of the day 12 people are expecting tickets when you only have two. d) Really can’t stand this band, but you know your neighbour loves them; he plays the tape all night, much to your unceasing irritation. You decide to take revenge – you call him to your house, let him hold the tickets, then take them back and slowly shred them. You then use them as confetti and smile broadly when he breaks down in your living room. 5.
You are on your way home from school/university/work, and it’s
not been such a great day. In a minute it gets worse – you
slip on a banana peel. You: b) Get up, dust yourself off and move on – not even thinking of the next unfortunate soul to come that way. c) You stand up, and then take out your lighter; you’re going to see this peel burn in hell. You change your mind, however, and decide to throw it onto the highway, where it will suffer slowly and get run over again and again until it vanishes into the tar. d) Leap up and apologise to the peel. You then carefully place it on the grass, where it can rest without getting trodden on. 6.
Your favourite pair of pants have gotten just a tad too tight. You: b) Dump them on the floor, where they immediately get lost in all the other clothes stagnating there. c) Go downstairs and accuse your mother of shrinkage, gently point out that you’ll forgive her this one time, if she replaces the pair. d)
Continue to wear them, except that you leave the top button open.
You can only hope that a passing breeze doesn’t lift your
shirt and reveal all. a)
“Lazy” – Deep Purple |
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