| Decoding
‘the teenager’
Let’s face it. The teenage years
are a mystery to most parents. Smriti Daniel talks to a few experts
about how to make things easier
Many
doctors hold that drug addiction and alcoholism, like depression,
are diseases; ones that can be cured, but require treatment and
support. For the average parent, however, the possibility of their
child succumbing to these takes on the proportions of a nightmare.
This is especially true of the time we call ‘teenage’
– when young people experiment, rebel and explore.
While
this can hardly be avoided, there are ways to steer the ship clear
of the rocks and into calm waters once again. How can this be done?
Communicate
openly
“We have lost the art of communication, and that’s why
these problems arise,” says Mrs. Nalini Ellawala, Honorary
Director of Mel Medura, an organisation committed to empowering
those with problems related to drug use. She explains that parents
should build a strong bond of acceptance, openness and understanding
with their offspring, well before they face the ‘terrible
teens’ together. “Families should set aside time for
each other… time in which they have fun together and do enjoyable
things together. This should not be done just for the sake of appearance,
but because parents and children really want to spend time with
one another,” says Mrs. Ellawala emphatically.
In addition, keep a watchful eye on your child, but never snoop,
as that can destroy mutual trust. Instead be direct and honest with
them about your observations and concerns.
Curiosity
is natural
“Who is the young man or woman who won’t experiment?”
asks Mrs. Ellawala, adding that this is true of every generation.
“At this stage, they are vibrant with life, and it is only
natural,” she says. Accepting this seems to be the only sensible
option. Being strict and judgmental with your children only ensures
that they will not discuss their little forays into the adult world
with you.
Instead, cultivate openness, encourages Mrs. Ellawala, so that children
are always in touch with you. This does not require you to endorse
their ‘experimenting,’ it merely means that you will
always be at hand when they require your guidance or support.
Saying
‘No’
“We do not like to think of our children as weak, or being
unable to say ‘no’,” says Mrs. Ellawala, “it
is much easier to blame the ‘dirty boys from down the road’.”
The fact remains, however, that our sons and daughters must be taught
to withstand peer pressure.
S-E-X
Sex is not a topic parents like to discuss with their children –
and vice versa. What effect does this have on the teenager? “The
urge for sex is tremendous in most teenagers,” states Mrs.
Ellawala bluntly, “and what is worse is that it is often confused
with love.” She explains that young adults must be taught
that sex drive is entirely natural, but that there is an appropriate
time, place and context for it. “We have taught our children
to control their urges to eat and drink,” says Mrs. Ellawala,
“similarly we must teach them to control the urge for sex.”
This matter-of-fact approach not only ensures that the teenager
has someone more experienced than his peers to discuss things with.
Depression
“Certain students show very poor coping skills,” explains
Dr. Manoj Fernando, Executive Director of Mel Medura. He adds that
it is only in extreme cases that the inability to cope with insecurity
or perceived failure, leads to suicide. “Some students seem
to perceive that committing suicide as an acceptable response to
their problem,” he says, an attitude which makes it very difficult
to cope with problems. “This is actually a personality issue,”
stresses Dr. Fernando. What do you do if you suspect someone is
depressed, or if you are feeling depressed yourself? The best thing
is to seek advice and support from professionals,” says Dr.
Fernando. Centres like Mel Medura and Sumithrayo are situated all
over the country and are easily accessible.
Happy
at home
Both Mrs. Ellawala and Dr. Fernando stress that however unpalatable
it may seem, parents should look to themselves to better understand
why their children are as they are. Mrs. Ellawala stresses that
children from strong, emotionally supportive homes are far less
likely to get involved in dangerous pastimes.
Parental
responsibility
“If you sense that your child is unhappy, sit him or her down
and talk to them,” says Dr. Fernando. “Try and build
an empathic relationship,” he adds, stressing that parents
should take care not to appear judgmental and condemning. If a child
is reluctant to open up, share your observations and concerns, without
scolding the child or apportioning blame. Parents who suspect something
seriously wrong, or who do not know how to broach the subject should
consider speaking with a counsellor in advance to decide how they
should intervene. This is preferable to speaking unadvisedly and
alienating the child.
Also,
(and this is very important, say the doctors) as a child grows up,
parents should consider assigning more responsibility to the child.
“Give them more and more responsibility as the years go by,”
recommends Mrs. Ellawala. This responsibility should take the form
of extra chores in and around the house, management of pocket money
as well as a willingness to respect the young adult’s decisions.
“‘I respect you for the decision you will take,”
should be the attitude of the parent, says Mrs. Ellawala, “from
the clothes you choose to wear, to what you eat, and as you grow
older to what you choose to study.”
This
sort of letting go can be incredibly hard for a parent, she says,
but is a necessary process in the transition from young child to
responsible adult. Important decisions can be made together, through
dialogue between the parent and child where the pros and cons are
rationally explored.
Ambitious parents may feel that it is their duty to push their children
to succeed, and yet this sort of incessant demand may damage a child
for life. “Know your child,” says Mrs. Ellawala, “not
all our children are capable of producing ten straight As.”
More
important than rushing a child from class to class and from achievement
to achievement is quality time spent with family. “All teenagers
need to be pressured a little,” explains Mrs. Ellawala laughing,
“but know their limits and don’t push them beyond that.” |
