Female fakeovers

Here's the point of view from the macho sex regarding the current trend of the overdoses of info on feminine beauty and the unnecessary ga ga over bogus makeovers

I woke up late yesterday, (what else can you possibly do on a Saturday?) made myself a hot chocolate and sat in-front of the TV – mentally preparing myself to withstand the next bit of Earth-shattering news from the World-Cup that could throw me off my chair. The first thing I saw instead was an advert for a skin lotion for women – to fight "the nine signs of aging". I remember that it was followed by two women discussing make-up or makeovers, but I was too eager to find out the cricket scores that I flipped the channel… (Sigh)!

It's fair enough that we all want to look good and it's also fair enough that the fairer sex is more concerned about their appearance than most of us blokes whose idea of a 'makeover' rarely gets more complicated than a bath with a good body scrub. A woman with good dress sense, well kept hair and clean hands and feet will pass off as 'smart' in front of any man's eyes. Surely, not everybody has the looks of Greek deities, but what on Earth are the "nine signs of ageing" (?!?!?!) and how in the universe can you fight them – least of all, armed with an over-priced body lotion that's bound to under-perform?

As a boy, I grew up marvelling at the miracles and wonders of modern cosmetic surgery such as Pamela Anderson (Lee!!) that were sneaked into school inside book covers. Those of us who did not have ready access to such rare artifacts, got the chance to admire them briefly in a corner of the classroom before being tucked away with the same secrecy and security provided to a shipment of Weapons Grade Uranium. But the very nature of curiosity is such that those kind of 'wonders' have a short 'half life' that rarely – if ever – survives the snooping teenage years.

So I just thought I'll make a small statement on behalf of all men currently existing on planet Earth (and yes, I've checked with them all, and they said they're fine about it, as long as the ladies don't start complaining about it at least until the World-Cup is over).

Men are not crazy about women's cosmetically enhanced body bits as some women have been led to believe. I know it may come as a massive surprise, but that's the way it is: we don't want it, we don't need it and we don't like looking at it. Those severe stretched out face-lifts make women look like they are free-falling through the air and images of paper-thin super models should only be hired to replace the more healthy looking starving kids of Africa in high-impact NGO fund raisers.

Now there could probably be a couple of men out there, who could be turned on by a face-lift that has left half a chin hanging off a woman's forehead. Only a man with an abnormally high dose of testosterone or dopamine in his bloodstream would be daring enough to kiss Botox injected lips that look like red capsicums. There is absolutely no body lotion that can make you look better or younger and dark eyeliner only makes you look angry all the time. Smeared lipstick and dripping mascara can make a woman look quite 'frustrated' to say the least.

I could go on, but I don't want to sound insulting in any way. My point is not to spread out my recently acquainted knowledge of female cosmetic enhancements or even to lend my voice for the sake of logic and good reason.

This is a simple and open appeal from all mankind to stop the desecration of the resilient, yet fragile and aesthetically beautiful female form. No one would dare make alterations to Raphael's "La fornarina" – even though we all know that it wouldn't compare well with a picture of Anne Hathaway on the red carpet!

So stop the tummy tucking and those collagen injections and the skin peels and the botoxing and all other extreme-makeover body-renovations, because you just end up becoming a fake person, or at best – a cheap imitation. Don't expect liposuction to make you look better unless you seriously believe that you're a Hyundai who wants to get a BMW image.

What really matters is who you are on the inside – and I am not saying that to make you feel better – you would know what I really mean if you've ever had any of those vegetarian sausages that look like real sausages but taste like spiced toe-jam!