Eager to Avoid

Often, very often, you will have read an article or a book or a newspaper column about how to find love. Here I propose to humour you with a piece on how not to find love. You may ask why anyone would want to read such a thing. But then again, if you've thought that far, my guess is that you are already reading this, and therefore you may answer your very own question by affirming the fact that the need often does arise, especially (if not exclusively) in the young Sri Lankan girl's mind as to how on earth she is to escape the romantic tentacles of the very scary men she is surrounded by at the work place, on the street, on the bus, or in class. How does one steer clear of the disaster zone called 'attracting-the-unattractive?'

If you are not convinced that this is a very real issue in the life of the half-decent Sri Lankan female, let me offer you an example from my very own tragic life. Not so many moons ago, when I was but a mere eighteen year old, struggling to master the art of lining my eyes, I received a Valentine's Day card. Significantly, however, the card arrived - not by post - but by way of hand delivery, several weeks prior to the actual date, and by the author of the card himself. There he was, at least thirty five years of age with three whole inches of facial hair hanging off his cheeks, his pants starting a few inches below his neck. Why, oh why, did he pick me? The question tormented me for weeks. What had I done to deserve such a terrible predicament?

And then I realised what I had not realised before. Some men are permanent disasters with very poor signal-translation skills. There began my journey into the deep recesses of the male-female psyche, in search of the answer to my question.

Here then are the keys every wise girl needs to have at hand at all times. This is the product of my extensive psychological and analytical journeys:

Point number one - too frequent a smile is an open invitation leading to possible disaster. So mitigate the frequency and intensity of your smile. I know. How terrible of me to suggest such a thing to a people known for their wonderful smiles. The unfortunate truth, however, is that while most girls smile out of the goodness of their hearts, the average boy receives such a smile as a green light; a signal of some sort. My advice is - smile with all your heart, but smile selectively. You may, of course smile nice and wide if the rare moment arises in which you find yourself in the company of a man not prone to translate "Hello" to mean "I want to move in with you!!!".

Secondly, when in doubt, be sure to base your conversations on things that would immediately expose the undercover idiot for who he really is. For example, try to casually mention a book you've recently read and what you found stimulating about it. It is as simple as that. You will find half your prospective conversers terrified, silenced or disappointedly walking away, complaining later on, that the girl they were talking to "seemed to have potential until she exposed herself to be the boring geek she really is! Would you believe the woman reads books? What kind of a freak is she?! And she didn't once mention the illustrated Baywatch Chronicles!"

Thirdly, keep in mind the male ego. The sad thing about the male ego is that it does not often correspond with reason. Which is precisely why it is so hard to keep it in mind.

You see, all too often, you will find men who are so far gone that they ought not even to have any self respect. Yet these creatures, you will find, will have the most disproportionate swollen heads you will ever encounter in your life! On the other hand, the decent man, the rare specimen, the almost extinct species, is inexplicably insecure and/or modest to a fault. This is the baffling, if uncanny, truth.

Owing to this strange phenomenon, all men, idiots and superheroes alike, are in the habit of stuttering and tripping over themselves when making an opening "line" to a girl. If the aspirant is clearly unsuitable (which in most cases, they are), save him the trouble of endless comments on the weather, and offers to buy you drinks, by kindly telling him you aren't interested in anything - anything - he is saying. This is likely to cause one of two consequences:

a) He will sense a dent in his ego and therefore decide to destroy you; or
b) He will politely dismiss himself from your company.
The latter option is obviously the more desirable of the two.

Finally, if you find you are desperately in need of emergency escape measures, and all other tactics have failed, subtly inform the unfortunate leech that you not only appear to be smart and independent, but that you in fact are smart and independent. This sense of superiority and/or autonomy allows him to experience what I take pride in calling 'healthy, realistic and rightful intimidation'. It always works well when performed with tact and caution.

Clearly, the sole object of this article is to have you understand that the ultimate key to not attracting a loser is to establish the fact that you yourself are not one. If, however, by this point in your life, you have found that you are one, I suggest you don't lose hope - for nothing is worth losing hope over. The solution is simple - take immediate steps to improve yourself and to ultimately eliminate all traces of your shady and repellent previous state of mind, including pictures, letters, and your copy of How to Pick Her Up.