Men are from Mars

When I was 15-years-old, I backed up my mom's car into a wall. My dad didn't yell – in fact, he told me to practice reversing the same car–broken taillight and all–into the garage on that same day, until I perfected it. After that, I somehow managed to total two (different) cars – and he still never yelled, always said that he was glad I was alright.

Along came my first boyfriend. One of those ultra-decent, charming-to-death, straight A-plus kids with a sincere smile that melted even hearts with the highest boiling point.Daddy was NOT impressed. He yelled himself hoarse, until one day, he decided to stop.

When I crashed his cars, I expected him to yell and ground me and tell me never to touch another vehicle. However, I didn't expect him to yell when I brought my annoyingly perfect boyfriend home. Now watch as I slowly undulate into my topic…

With all due respect, men are strange. Had this not been Sunday, and I felt a little more like Freud and decided to explore this statement to its roots, I'd probably come up with a profound conclusion like, "…the degree of his eccentricity is directly proportional to the number of haircuts he received at the age of seven." Of course, this would lead to many "prevent your precious seven-year old from getting a haircut" campaigns and "anti-weirdness spray for men" and other complicated gender and human rights related issues. Since the world has a lot on its plate already, let's just focus on, not why, but the fact that men are strange.

Random Guy on Street

Let's start with the ones we feel least emotionally attached to. How about those guys with the really strong, but depressingly stupid come-ons, the recent-most for me was a little school kid, leaning against a wall, who said, "Kiss me." Do you think maybe he expected me to stop in mid-stride, turn around, drop whatever I was carrying, throw my arms around him (twice around – because he really was little) and go for it? Say that he was kind of cute in a starved, childlike, cult-member kind of way. Even so, wouldn't that kind of uncontrolled passion yield suck-y results in the middle of Colombo, when it's 90 degrees?? Hello!! Nut alert!

My ex-boss, at least the one I used to see on a weekly basis, was completely adorable. The problem is that I respected him so much that I didn’t go hug him. Which is completely normal because it would have been a platonic hug. I promise. One of my friends has one of those insanely-enthusiastic-at-first-sight, ultra-caring, work-for-me-and-I'll-give-you-a-donut boss. Problem was that even though he's that friendly and has a never-ending donut supply, he's plain weird.

One day, when my friend was walking out of her office, she had seen her boss accidentally drive into some unsuspecting motorcyclist. Minimal damage, salvageable situation. BUT, her boss jumped out of the car, frantically started waving his hands in the air, seen my friend and said, "Hey, I'm late for a meeting. Please take care of this for me," and driven off, leaving my friend to deal with an extremely outraged cyclist.

He was only seven-years-old. We had visitors. Among them, was a girl he really didn't like because during her previous visit, he had pulled on her pigtails really hard, causing her to cry, which caused him to get into trouble. In protest to her visiting his territory again, he had marched outside, and slid the key in the ignition, and started a car which was already in gear.

The car jumped forward and hit the wall of the garage. And after that, my brother refused to travel in that car, for he feared it was haunted.

These range from the guys in the nuthouse to those still pacing in a circle outside your gate with a handy axe, don't they? Unfortunately, I have no experience to speak of in this department, because my ex is a sweetheart. My sister however…was dating a guy for one year or so before he had to leave the country, and they broke up. On that day, before departing, he had asked her to let him keep one of her dresses as a souvenir. Sometimes at night, she still wakes up screaming, claiming that she was poked in her stomach in her sleep.

All of this started after her ex tearfully borrowed her dress to remind him of her… Coincidence? I don't think so. On a more serious note, an ex of one of my friends sent her red roses with sneezing powder and a thoughtful note "Hope you enjoy these," on Valentine's Day.

Long long time ago, I hadn't seen my then boyfriend in three weeks. So obviously, when he said he was coming to see me, I got dressed up in this dress he adored (crazily bright little floral dress). But, when he came to see me, he just gave me a cursory hug, and said, "Shall we set up the telescope outside and watch Saturn?" I smiled, and took his hand and then I realized what he said. He completely missed it. So there I was, dressed up in a little dress that would shame a kindergartner – all for what? To look at some stupid far away planet.