Down to your P's and Q's

By Sonnet

One of my primary school teachers used to say that three words – 'thank you', 'please' and 'sorry' – if more frequently used, could solve all the problems of the world. I wasn't so sure, because despite her infinite wisdom that could apparently solve all worldly problems, she couldn't even count that they actually totalled four words. Erroneous word – counts notwithstanding, that lesson about the importance of good manners remains, as one of the lasting memories I carried with me from school. More recently, while involuntarily being entangled in a jocular argument between two friends about "'ado' not being an appropriate way [for a gentleman] to address a lady", it seem that 'etiquette' is back in the agenda. So I decided to cast the first stone, even under threat of "aspersions being cast" on my own fallible soul.

The problem with words like etiquette, manners, chivalry and courtesy however, is that they sound irrelevant in a world where we barely even notice the insolence of bus conductors and helplessly ignore the loathsome self-gratification of politicians. The demands that those words place on us seem cumbersome, because the busy lives of our generation of Brittney and 50 Cent followers cannot afford to have patience, self control, sensitivity to others and a respectful awareness of their dignity as well as our own.

Historically, good manners and etiquette has been wielded by the wealthy and snobbish upper classes as a bar that divided and elevated them from the so called lower classes. Traditionally the rules that define good manners and proper etiquette were drawn up in the drawing rooms of western aristocrats. Being of good manners according to these rules, included cues for hosting extravagant dinner dances and using multiple envelopes and engraved paper to send out invitations; luxuries that most of the poorer classes could not afford and therefore could never adhere to them. For centuries, poverty had denied them the dignity of status that they deserved.

Until the early half of the 20th century, tradition had intricately detailed instructions to educate members of "best society" on where to place an oyster fork. However, that world was soon to be swept away by a flood of technology. The world changed, and tradition offered no timely advice whatsoever on how to comment on a photograph that a friend had just posted on Facebook.com. Even though there were generations worth of advice advocating that a gift or an epistle must always be appreciated and acknowledged appropriately, they don't give even so much as a hint of warning that a text message saying "m :-( 4 U" is a grossly inappropriate way of offering condolences to a friend whose grandfather had just passed away.

Unfortunately or not, these antique traditions became a perpetual reference on good manners and acceptable behaviour until pop music, reality TV and Australian cricket fans destroyed any semblance of a memory we had about good manners and common courtesy. Since then, the dull acceptance of ill-manners that has become iconic of modern times is more in protest against the class system that once segregated and locked society in an unfair class system, than out of ignorance. We often resort to crude behaviour more as a result of a sense of irreverence that has become rather fashionable.

Yet, no one in their right minds would argue that good manners are the mark of a civilised society – even though two and a half millennia of 'civilization' has taught us nothing about the appropriate volume for playing DOOF-DOOF music in a three-wheeler. Gentility and good manners on the other hand, does not reflect the inherent goodness of a person. Nor do they give any indication whatsoever, of a person's moral fibre. A majority of primitive tribesmen and forest dwellers are profoundly more human than some people of 'good breading' would ever care to be.

Good manners, chivalry and common courtesy may be running their course on feeble feet, and indeed it may even be practical, if not excusable to push someone away to squeeze in trough an elevator door (unless you are the one being pushed away).

However, there is a pleasure to be gained as much as given, in sharing life's little delightful gestures with others. In highlighting the need for good manners in modern society, no one says it more eloquently than Lucinda Holdforth, the author of "Why Manners Matter." She offers a cold drink and massage for etiquette's feeble feet. "Good manners don't merely preserve everyone's dignity; they actively enlarge the social space..." she points out. "Beautiful manners expand the radius of human co-operation and potential. I think that's why witnessing a gracious gesture can unexpectedly fill us with joy".
– sonnetomatic@gmail.com