Touche! You don’t know dear, how much you taught me!

By Rypvanwinkle

My Dear Uncle Junius Richard,

I thought I must write to you, wherever in heaven you are, to thank you for what you did over twenty years ago and more so because that is what has saved me in these difficult times.

I was thrown out of Parliament when you steamrolled into office in 1977, but needless to say, I was watching from the sidelines and learning all the tricks of the trade from what you were doing at that time.

One of the first lessons I learnt from you was that Anura could be used for political advantage, whenever it was necessary. I saw you trying to do that at the Kalaweva by-election and since then, I think I have been using the poor chap rather mercilessly!

You also taught me, Uncle Junius, that rather than trust people from your own party to form your inner circle of advisors, it would be better to ask your brother. Seeing you do that with Harry, I made a mental note and now that I am at the helm, I have not one, but three of them to help me.

Then, Uncle Junius, you decided to have something named after you so you changed the country’s capital so that it sounded like your name. I couldn’t do that anymore, so I settled for the next best thing-I invented an airline that is named after me!

I also remember you saying, Uncle Junius, that each should look after his own security. I have followed that to the letter-I look after mine by closing all the roads whenever I travel anywhere and Gota does the same...

With that referendum that you held in 1982, Uncle Junius, you also taught me that elections are there to be held to fool the people into believing that they are exercising their democratic rights. Now with provincial elections scheduled for March in the East, you will be happy to know that I am doing just that!

Uncle Junius, by splitting Methini and Maithree, you also taught me to split the opposition, so that they will not recover for a long, long time. I have done exactly that but with your own party with a little help from Karu and his ¡horus. So, hopefully, I too would be able to be in office like you did for twelve long years!

Having staged an all party conference of your own, Uncle Junius, you know and I know that these all party conferences are nonsense, but then, we have to be seen to be doing something, shouldn’t we? So, following your footsteps again, I have staged my own little conference, so I could go before the world and appear to be doing something about our country’s conflict.

And now, Uncle Junius, I have even taken your Indo-Lanka Accord as a basis for settling this little matter with Prabhakaran, even though I too was howling in protest when you so forcefully enacted it in 1987!

But the best lesson I learnt from you, Uncle Junius, was to give prominence to young Ranil and keep him in a state of constant expectation. I really don’t know what you saw in that boy but I know that while he is around and in charge of the opposite camp, I have nothing to worry about, really!
Yours truly,
Medamulaney Mahinda Putha

PS-Just as much as I try to do everything that you did, Uncle Junius, the same problems that bothered you seem to bother me too. Remember how your handpicked chap in Hulftsdorp suddenly began to criticise everything that you did? I think I am having the same problem. But I can’t do much about it, knowing that you too failed in your attempt to get rid of him!