Hello?

By Dilbert

It's another day in the city. It's humid, hot and you have just been hung up on. You stare open-mouthed and wide-eyed at the receiver, which is still in your hand. This vision of you might amuse some and yet, serve as a testament for the absolute shock you're currently experiencing at being so rudely treated. You might have deserved it, or you might have not. Either way, it is with deepest regret that I introduce you to the world of telecommunication, where the inhabitants have as much sense of phone etiquette as does a mountain goat of scuba diving.

Fake Numbered!

Picture this. You are about to call the new friend you made last Saturday for the seventeenth time. The last few times you called, you were informed by an electronically recorded voice that such a number is not in existence. But obviously, that's a false alarm, because at the other end of the line, your new friend has his hand poised and ready on top of the receiver, hoping against hope that you will call.

Dream on. Your 'friend' has played the oldest trick in the book that would enable him to avoid you like a particularly old pair of gym socks. On his list of the top 10 people he would like to talk to the least, you probably rank between his orthodontist and mother-in-law. Therefore, you have been fake numbered, and even the electronically recorded voice can tell you that. Feels good doesn't it? Now, before you go storming through the telephone directory for someone named Abraham Chickenfoot, you should consider the possibility of a fake name. After all, someone that good with numbers has to be somewhat good with words.

Providing another person with a fake number is not necessarily the best decision you can make. If you do not wish to remain in contact with someone, honesty is the best way out. Even other lame options such as concocting some unearthly excuse or hurriedly changing the subject simply cannot be recommended. Since you hold the right to choose your friends, you have the right to refuse unwelcome acquaintance.

Hold, please……..

Forty five minutes prior to this moment, you were instructed by a Voice, which sounded sensible enough to manage its own car insurance, to please hold for one minute till its employer could be reached. Since then, you have been listening repeatedly to a song released by a band, which existed fifty years before your birth and feeling things that cannot be described in mere words. This is your basic introduction to the 'hold' feature, generally considered a double-edged sword in telephone etiquette and a primary reason why Sir Alexander Graham Bell can't rest peacefully in his grave.

With all due respect to the fact that usually, nobody is available at the exact moment they need to be reached, there are many things that the recipient of the call can do to make the experience of being on hold tolerable. Before you put someone on hold, ask first, and wait for their answer. And if someone has a reservation about it, explain why it's necessary, because callers like to have an explanation for their inconvenience. Also, keep the person on hold informed every thirty seconds. After a maximum of five minutes, ask the caller to leave a call- back message.

You've got (Voice) Mail!

Ever been directed straight to voicemail when you were in the greatest hurry? Worse yet, ever had to wait ten or so hours until your call was returned? Ah, voicemail…another technological achievement that has the capability of causing as much annoyance as a cat that has been yowling for six straight hours.

If you have to leave a message or voice mail for someone, make it short and to the point. Rambling, long-winded voicemail are annoying...and unlikely to be returned. Speak clearly and slowly and leave your name, phone number, and a brief message. Say your name and number at the beginning of the message, especially if you don't know the person you're calling.

Returning messages promptly is always appreciated. It's customary to return telephone calls within 24 hours. If you cannot attend to the caller's needs within that time, briefly phone the person to say when you will be available.

Don't type or shuffle papers while you're on the phone – it suggests that you're not listening to the caller

• If you have to put the phone down, do it gently to spare your caller's ear.

• Rid your mouth of food, gum, cough drops, or candy before talking on the phone - the receiver amplifies your noshing.

• If you have to sneeze or cough, turn your head and cover your mouth - and the receiver.

• Speak directly into the receiver - don't bury it in your shoulder or neck.

• If you dial the wrong number, explain yourself and verify the phone number so you don't repeat the call. Don't hang up; that's just rude.

• Cut down on the background noise when taking or making a call. Radios, televisions, and even computer bings and bleeps can be distracting over the phone.