Dodging the thorn among the roses

The fact is, given time, of course, there is nothing we humans can't get used to – but that's only if it doesn't kill us first. Take the first year of marriage – they always tell you it's the best. It is also the hardest – that time when you go from being a happily dating couple to actually sharing a bathroom, from eating dinner by candlelight to washing piles of dishes after a hard day of work. As time goes by, everything has a tendency to get less rosy – it's practically a law of nature.

Supposedly (and I have been reading my newsmagazines here) current research holds, the eventual dampening of all those crazed love hormones helps you settle down enough to be safe parents for a kid. Our take home message, is that they will dampen, and at that point, staying in love becomes work – both partners need to be willing to invest their time and energy into keeping a relationship vital. So it's a good idea – while you're still riding high – to build a strong, sure foundation for your relationship. Get started like you mean to go on, is all I'm saying. Here are some tips to help get you past that first set of hurdles.

After many years of marriage, meeting my husband for lunch is still great fun. We tend to make a date of it, and the break from routine, the chance to simply meet up mid-day for a little TLC makes a huge difference. Even if it's simply a cup of coffee twice a week, make a point of it, especially after you have children. It'll help you stay in touch – and in love – with each other.

Your spouse is precious to you. It helps to remember this in the middle of another squabble about some trivial thing or the other. Put the person who is your husband or wife first over some minor discomfort. Be willing to laugh at yourself and with your spouse – if you have a choice between being annoyed or amused, pick the latter every time. For instance – he forgot to pay the electricity bill again. Bring out the candles, pull out some games and invite some friends over – make an evening of it, instead of arguing till day break.

Life before Marriage or LM had its own set of rules. And it's amazing how hard they can be to leave behind... particularly when it comes to the in-laws. Her ammi will always be on her side, and her thathi is just protecting his little girl. Your own parents will be the same way – no one will be quite perfect enough to be your wife. Just remember the most important person in your life now is your partner and that while you still love and respect your parents, your spouse needs your support too. The fact is, you can't pick your parents, but you did pick each other.

This is the time when you're going to have to have the big conversations – about children, joint savings accounts, and how you really, really don't like the thing he does with his nose. Honesty, more than just saying what you want the other person to hear, will stand you in good stead here. Talk about what's bothering you, but try to talk in terms of stuff that's not working out for you instead of stuff that your partner is doing wrong.

A statement like "I'd like to split the housework with you," is far more likely to get you what you want rather than "I have to do everything, you never help." It’s easy to tune out after a bit, and to stop responding seriously to questions that your spouse asks frequently, but try anyway, and you will find your care and attention is much appreciated. Another point to remember – take time to really listen to the other person – don't assume you know what they are thinking or feeling.

With all the scheduling and planning, it's easy to forget about space for yourself. Make it a point to take some time out, and do things on your own. Hang out with your friends, read a book, or go for a massage. Spending time apart from your spouse, doing something you enjoy, will refresh you, even as it allows the two of you to actually miss each other a little.

My husband loves to cook, and so we have a system in our house: he plays chef and I play dish washer. He cleans the garden, I clean the house. This happy division of responsibilities, based as it is on personal preferences and individual strengths extends to changing the light bulbs, shopping for clothes, cleaning the bathroom, keeping our computer up and running, and even remembering birthdays.

Men aren't the hairy creatures with clubs that go hunting anymore, and neither are women geared solely to stay in and keep the babies happy. Be prepared to adapt to each other, and be willing to see that like your house, your relationship requires that you both contribute in different ways. Supporting your partner might mean working while he finishes an important degree, or cooking and cleaning up after she has had a long day at work.

For all the love you share, each of you may be very different. Be willing to accept, even celebrate these differences. This means not expecting the other person to be in complete agreement with you on everything. This could extend from your value systems to whether you prefer to talk or watch TV while eating. Accord your spouse the respect you would give any stranger – the right to their own opinions and their own choices. And remember, in the end, there's a reason that Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus was an international best seller.