5th Column

My Dear Santa Claus,

I thought of writing to you this week as you prepare your annual journey to Paradise, bringing gifts for all of us. Your journey should cost you much less this time, as you will get more value for your currency from the North Pole after the depreciation of our rupee in recent months!

Most average citizens in Paradise don’t want much from you this year, Santa. All they will ask for is food at affordable prices, being able to switch on the lights without thinking of their electricity bills and, for the more fortunate among them who have a vehicle, a little more than 20 litres of fuel.

We also realise, Santa, that you won’t be able to give us these gifts. Instead, our long-suffering citizens will have to grin and bear it for a few months more because you won’t even be able to get us the billions of dollars from the IMF which were earlier promised by the end of the year.

One person who shouldn’t be asking for gifts from you this year is Uncle Ranil. Christmas came early for him. He was handed the top job on a platter. Now, he also has all powers at his disposal and everyone attending to his whims and fancies.

If you were to ask him though, I am sure he too will have a wish list. He might want a decent set of ministers to work with him instead of the rogues, ‘ransom’ lords, ‘deal’ dasas and an unsavoury lot of proven failures – and he would want to rope in a few girls and boys from the ‘telephone’ camp as well.

You don’t need to bring any presents for Uncle Ranil’s former classmate, the Boralugoda cub. He also got an unexpected early present in the form of the premiership, but he must be thinking about how his father, the Boralugoda Lion ended his career with a Green leader and now he too has a Green boss!

In contrast, the ‘R’ clan needs many presents, but I don’t think you can provide them. Mahinda maama is trying to ‘rise again’ with the Rohithas, Mahindanandas and Johnstons as his crutches, but that appears to be a distant dream. Can you give him a dignified retirement as a gift from all of us, Santa?

Then there is Gota maama who left in a hurry. He has enough sense to keep away from the limelight since his departure and subsequent re-entry to Paradise. Given the travails of his travels when he tried to but couldn’t enter many countries, can you gift him a Green Card, so he could return to America?

The opposite is true for Basil, though. He remains a citizen of America and can return there but insists on staying in Paradise. What he would want as a gift is Cabinet posts for people of his choice and a reversal of the 21st Amendment but, Santa, you could do all of us a favour and return him to America!

Then there is young Namal baby. He doesn’t need a present – not even a cabinet post – because he is well taken care of. All he has to do is to wait five more years and the top job will be his – or so he thinks!

There is also Sajith who could do with many gifts. He must be wishing for colleagues who don’t desert him to join Uncle Ranil, a Party chairman who doesn’t lambast him publicly, ladies whose speeches aren’t embarrassing – and some leadership skills that make his party a real opposition.

A person for whom no gift is enough is Aiyo Sirisena. He has a gift of his own, that of destroying political parties. First, he wrecked the Greens. Now he is ruining the Blues. What he might really need as a gift is a presidential pardon, if and when the law catches up with him about the Easter attacks.

As for Anura, the rathu sahodaraya, he is gallivanting in Europe, addressing those who aren’t even voters. He hopes for a big gift at the next elections. Santa, can you give him and his sahodarayas the wisdom to change archaic policies and apologise for their past? Or else, he will not get that big gift.

Then there are those who want their own special gift which they probably will not get. Diana will want her citizenship issue to go away. Rajitha always wants the Health Ministry. Wimal and Dullas wish to lead strong parties. Santa, also spare a thought for Wasantha sahodaraya who only wants his freedom.

I am not sure how you can provide gifts to all of these people, Santa, but even if you can’t, do not worry. Most of them make promises to us but do not deliver, so it will give them a taste of their own medicine. Be careful though, if you do too well, Ashu might think you are trying to run for President!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS: As an afterthought, there are two gifts that the vast majority of us dearly like to have. Firstly, can you give us the gift of the rule of retirement at 60 years of age extending to all our politicians? Secondly, Santa, can you then give us the much-needed gift of general and presidential elections?