5th Column

My dear Pavithra and Jeevan,

I thought I should write to you to congratulate you on your appointment as ministers by Uncle Ranil. You seem to be the ‘chosen two’ at a time when Basil is trying to get more of his minions to the Cabinet, and Uncle Ranil is stubbornly refusing to do so. That must mean you are very special people.

I am not sure you realise how special you are. We are constantly being told how poor our country is. We cannot afford to pay for paddy, our pensioners, our executive officers or for uninterrupted electricity or an election that many want. Still, they have somehow found money to pay you!

We didn’t hear you say, Pavithra and Jeevan, that you will work for free. Or that you will forego your luxury vehicles, security detail, official residences, fuel allowances, official telephones and office staff. They are all paid for by the citizens of Paradise, through taxes that were recently increased.

Pavithra, what a turnaround of fortunes you have had. We first heard of you 30 years ago when, as a young lawyer, you took Satellite to the mass grave at Sooriyakanda. What you found there was horrifying but, at that time, you came across as someone who fought for justice and what was right.

Sooriyakanda helped you enter Parliament at the top of the preferences list, with 10 votes less than Comrade Vasu. Your campaign was about the alleged ‘dooshanaya and bheeshanaya’ or ‘corruption and terror’ during 17 years of Green Party rule – an era which Uncle Ranil was a part of.

Since then, Pavithra, though you cleverly switched loyalties from Satellite to Mahinda maama, you were always a vocal critic of the Greens, using choice words on Uncle Ranil on matters such as peace talks with the Tigers, free trade agreements, selling off State ventures and the big bank bond scam.

So, it was quite amusing to see you being sworn in before Uncle Ranil himself. Having held an important portfolio such as Health, it would have been disappointing to be appointed to be in charge of Wild Life and Forests, but then, beggars cannot be choosers in these difficult days, can they?

Besides, you didn’t exactly impress as the Minister of Health when the attention of the entire nation was focused on you because of the Covid pandemic. Etched in our memories are photos of you throwing pots of water into rivers and drinking Dhammika’s ‘peni’, until you got ill with the virus.

Another decision you took as Health Minister was to sack the head and a few members of the council that monitors doctors. It is ironical that last week, soon after your re-entry to the Cabinet, that this decision was quashed by a higher court. So, it is good for our health that you didn’t get that job!

Jeevan, as for you, what can I say except that some people are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them. You were certainly born great and now have greatness thrust upon you. Even you would agree, I think, that you haven’t achieved greatness. Well not yet, anyway.

I am not sure, Jeevan, whether you were aware that you became the youngest ever Cabinet Minster Paradise has had, at the tender age of 28 years and two and a half months, ahead of the gentleman who you took oaths from, Uncle Ranil, who became a minister at 28 years and six and a half months.

I am sure you must have heard of your great-grandfather, Savumiyamoorthy, though I doubt you have any recollections of him, not even being five years of age when he left us. Unlike you, he had to fight his way to the top, overcoming the obstacles that came his way, and holding his own against all odds.

He once brought down Sirimavo’s government by abstaining to vote, refused to hand over an undated letter of resignation to JR, staged strikes while being a minister in JR’s Cabinet, won citizenship for his community and, when the tide turned, changed sides to remain a minister under Sirimavo’s daughter.

Just like you now, Jeevan, your late father Arumugam’s greatest achievement was his surname. Many say that, unlike your great grandfather, his aim in life was to surrender the votes of your community to whoever was in power, so that he could enjoy the perks and privileges of being a Cabinet minister.

To be fair to you, Jeevan, it is too early to say whether you will follow in the footsteps of your father or grandfather. Right now though, the story is that you have been given this job in preference to others vastly more experienced than you, so you can deliver those votes to Uncle Ranil and the ‘pohottuwa’.

We wish you well, Pavithra and Jeevan. It is true that you have been given new jobs but no one really knows how long they will last. On the other hand, you could be in them for a very long time because, if they don’t have money to hold local elections, surely, they can’t have money for a general election?

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS: The story is that Fowzie, returned to Parliament at the young age of 85, could soon join you in the Cabinet, dealing the ‘telephone’ chaps another blow. At least he has all the qualifications required: He was once stripped of his civic rights by a Green government led by Uncle Ranil’s uncle!