5th Column

My dear Lohan,

I thought I should write to you now. That is because you should be all over the newspapers and television news, grabbing their headlines – but, for some strange reason, you are not, being mentioned only in passing. I thought of writing to you so that everyone knows what a lucky chap you are.

This is about that incident you were involved in almost two years ago, when you visited the Welikada prison first and Anuradhapura prison a few days later. In case you have forgotten (because most of us seem to have), that was when you were the State Minister in charge of Prisons under Gota maama.

It was alleged that you entered the prisons and, after visiting the gallows, threatened some inmates from the Tamil community, asking them whether they shot any of ‘our people’, while pointing a pistol at them. These were mere allegations then, but when they hit the headlines, there was an uproar.

Many asked whether a minister should be allowed to act that way. In what was an insult to the intelligence of the public, you resigned as State Minister for Prison but Gota maama allowed you to stay on as the State Minister for Gems and Jewellery! An inquiry was ordered thereafter.

Wimal sahodaraya, who was with the ‘pohottuwa’ then, said at the time that you set a good example to politicians. Everyone makes mistakes but to own up and resign is a great quality, he said. Others asked whether your Gem and Jewellery portfolio was retained because you hadn’t stolen any gems!

Anyway, Lohan, as you know, we in Paradise have very short memories. We forget and forgive very quickly. That is why you returned to Parliament at the last election being third on the list of preferences in Kandy. People had forgotten your past before you could say ‘Udathalawinna’.

In the same vein, we also forgot all about the inquiry against you. No one remembered that a retired Justice of the Supreme Court, no less, was appointed to look into the allegations levelled against you. If they bothered to find out, they would have learnt that this inquiry was completed a long time ago.

That is not surprising. The report of the inquiry was handed over to the Justice Ministry. Uncle Sabry, (no, not the Golden boy, the other one) who was then in charge appears to have done nothing about it. A few months later, Deal Dasa took over. That was probably the best thing that happened to you.

We all know how Deal Dasa operates. He has convenient lapses of memory. Suddenly, he then wakes up from his amnesia and makes startling claims. We saw what he did with the ‘X-press Pearl’ story recently. So, for reasons best known to him, he seems to have had amnesia about your report too.

Unfortunately, Lohan, someone else has now found this report. The description of your actions in the prisons reads like the poorly written script of a Hindi film. The Judge says the evidence against you is quite strong and recommends that you be charged with several offences, including attempted murder.

When the report was released to the public, one should have expected outrage against your alleged actions. There should have been calls for your resignation and you should have resigned or be sacked. If the report’s recommendations were followed, you would have been charged with attempted murder.

Ah, but isn’t this why this is Paradise? We are locking up our Natashas for calling Prince Siddhartha, ‘Suddhodana’s little one’ but we allow people like you, against whom charges of attempted murder have been recommended, to roam free. Then, we reward you with another State Minister job!

Don’t panic about these recommendations, Lohan. A court recommended that Diana be arrested for her passport fiasco. A commission recommended criminal charges against Aiyo Sirisena for his inaction in the Easter attacks. Nothing happened. So it will be for you too if you play your cards right.

All you have to do is be in Uncle Ranil’s good books. I don’t think he will be keen to take action against you. He is good at lecturing us about the ‘Maha Viharaya’ and harassing hapless Directors of Archaeology but he won’t want you prosecute you, because he will lose one more ‘pohottuwa’ MP.

So, Lohan, I don’t think you need to worry. The committee that inquired into your actions and its report will be like all other committees, which have been likened to a morning on the toilet: first there is a sitting, then there is a little deliberation, then there is a report and finally the matter is dropped!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS: You don’t have to concern yourself about Deal Dasa. Even if he takes your report to Uncle Ranil and asks him to do something, he will say ‘Shall I teach you the law or will you teach me the law?’ and then Deal Dasa will have to either submit his resignation or mind his own business!