5th Column

My dear Sri Lankan Cricket fans,

It is with deep regret that I write to you today, to announce the death of Sri Lankan Cricket which died tragically last Thursday in Mumbai. The cause of death is under investigation, but murder and foul play is suspected. The prime suspect for the death of Sri Lankan Cricket is Sri Lanka Cricket (SLC).

Those who are old enough will recall that Sri Lankan Cricket came of age in 1981, when it was granted ‘Test’ status. After that, we played with the ‘big boys’ regularly. Still, a ‘full’ test series with countries such as England was hard to come by as we continued to receive discriminatory treatment.

That all changed 15 years later when Arjuna led Sri Lankan Cricket to become world champions. That is why most Sri Lankans still remember where they were on the night of March 17, 1996. In doing so, ironically, they beat Australia, the country which tried and failed to ‘no-ball’ Murali out of the game. 

Few realise that at the start of that World Cup, perhaps with the exception of Aravinda, there were no ‘superstars’, ‘legends’ or ‘world-class’ players in that team. Those like Sanath and Murali would go on to greater heights only later. Yet, they all played with dedication, passion – and a love for their country.

The glory that Arjuna and his boys brought to the country was sustained for the next 20 years or so. That World Cup inspired many to take to cricket. New stars emerged. As the champions retired one by one, they were replaced by the Kumars, Mahelas and Malingas. We thought all was well.

Those were also the years when Paradise was in the midst of a war. In those dark days, cricket was the only aspect that brought a smile to our faces and, more importantly, united us as a nation. Whenever Murali was challenged, every Lankan stood with him. No one thought of him as a ‘Tamil’.

That World Cup win brought in vast amounts of money to SLC it had not seen before. Ana P, the man who masterminded that win with meagre resources was dumped. A Dark Horse took over and reigned at SLC for decades, against all odds. In hindsight, we now know that it was the beginning of the end. 

Even an incumbent President, Satellite, couldn’t oust the Dark Horse. Nor could World Cup winning Arjuna. Paradise has changed presidents, governments and constitutions but they haven’t been able to change the cabal who rule SLC or its constitution. As a result, they keep getting re-elected.

A mate from his school has replaced the Dark Horse. This chap, when asked about alleged financial irregularities at SLC, bluntly told us to mind our own business. SLC doesn’t need public funds and makes a profit, so it can do what it wants, he said, implying SLC was ‘Shammi’s Limited Company’.

He is probably right. The way SLC runs is a reflection of how the country is run. A few people gain control, appoint their lackeys to key positions and allow them to make unlimited amounts of money while twisting the laws so that they are in charge forever. Isn’t that how all of Paradise is run now?

As a result, SLC, has dozens of ‘first-class’ clubs which are nothing but that. Still, they do serve the purpose of having votes to elect officials. Coaches are hired and fired at will. So-called ‘consultants’ – which sadly includes Mahela – are paid exorbitant amounts just to spend short periods with the team.

Discipline has become a bad word. Some players choose to play in the lucrative Indian leagues and get ‘injured’ at the time of national duty. Others are charged with criminal offences while touring overseas. Even on the day Sri Lankan Cricket died, only Angie cried, the others didn’t shed a tear.

The death of Sri Lankan Cricket has its uses. It is the hot topic now, making people forget the hikes in fuel, electricity and the VAT rates. The matches finish early, so less electricity is used. Its most ardent fan, Uncle Percy also passed away and was thankfully spared from witnessing Thursday’s disaster.

SLC may argue the team improved by 10 per cent in a few weeks against India, from 50 runs to 55 runs. Or that they did their best, replacing Dasun with Kusal – like replacing Aiyo Sirisena with Gota maama – with similar results. Or, like you-know-who, they can say we will have the best team in 2048!

Now, Sporty Roshan from Polonnaruwa who once challenged Aiyo Sirisena in his home turf, wants SLC to resign. He had wanted that for some time, but his boss was not in favour because it would have cost us International Cricket Council membership. If he insisted, he would have had to resign first.

Now is the time, Roshan. Sri Lankan Cricket is dead. We are the laughing stock of the cricket world. So, who cares about ICC status? If it is to be reborn, you need to perform the last rites, so sack the lot at SLC. Or else give the job to Diana who might get it done by threatening, “galawanawa kalisama”!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS: That reminds me, there is an easier way to become the best team, long before 2048. Get a few players like Virat, Rohith and Shami and sign them on to our team. Of course I know they are not Sri Lankans, but even if that is put to the test, we can always get a majority verdict in our favour!