5th Column

My dear Deshabandu,

I last wrote to you three months ago when you were first appointed to your job, albeit in an ‘acting’ role. You seem to have acted so well that you have now been appointed in a more permanent capacity. So, I will say ‘congratulations’, despite all the controversy that now surrounds your appointment.

I suppose what matters most is getting the job, not how you got there. If you have any doubts, just ask the person who appointed you, Uncle Ranil. I am sure he will say the same about his job. In fact, you seem to have changed his mind too, because at first, he wasn’t too keen to appoint you as the top cop.

Uncle Ranil must have been worried because you were known as a loyal and faithful servant of the ‘R’ clan. You were then smart enough to prove, especially in the three months that you were ‘acting’, that you could be blindly loyal to him too. After all, that is what most of his ministers did too!

There has been a lot of criticism that has come your way, both about your past track record and the way in which you were appointed. I don’t think you should take much notice of that, Deshabandu. In fact, I think we should be grateful to you for teaching us a few home truths about Paradise.  

A Commission found you guilty of negligence in the Easter attacks. You were accused of being unable to- or not wanting to- prevent the attacks on Gota Go Gama during the ‘aragalaya’. You were accused of mishandling money Gota maama left behind when he fled. Such failures are the pillars of success!

Many also ask how someone who has been found guilty by our highest Court of violating fundamental rights, of torturing others by applying ‘Siddhalepa’ on sensitive body parts can be appointed to head the agency that is supposed to ensure law and order. That is a slap in the face of the judiciary, they say.

Well, the judiciary has been slapped in the face before. A person convicted of murder sat in Parliament before being acquitted on appeal, another convicted in a ‘kappam’ case is the Chief Government Whip pending his appeal. A lady who a court wanted arrested for allegedly being a dual citizen is a minister!

The list goes on. Four of our former leaders –  Satellite, Mahinda maama, Aiyo Sirisena and Gota maama – were found guilty of offences after they left office. Aiyo Sirisena was reprimanded while he was still in office. What then is the harm in rubbing a little ‘Siddhalepa’ every now and then?

So, instead of blaming you and criticising you Deshabandu, we must be thankful to you for showing us the real state of Paradise. Your appointment proves that we are in a country that practises the highest order of democracy. That is why someone guilty of violating fundamental rights can be the top cop!

You have also shown us how impotent the Police Commission is. They were ordered to take action against you after that ‘Siddhalepa’ case, but have done sweet nothing since then. With your ‘acting’ role in the ‘Yukthiya’ operation you also proved that you can fool most of our people most of the time.

With your appointment, you proved that the Mahinda who Speaks, probably failed his Grade 5 Scholarship exam. He counts two plus two abstentions as four! You also proved that the nation’s most important Council has ‘independent’ members who lack the backbone to vote when it matters most.

When you assumed duties, there was a grand ceremony, at our cost, no doubt. Family, friends and celebrities including cricket legends lined up to wish you. It was as if a President was taking office. Despite the fanfare, Deshabandu, opposition to you also keeps mounting and the cases keep piling up.

We heard a saffron robed clan want to intervene on your behalf in the cases against you. Is it because the Cardinal opposes you? Since you are good at ‘acting’ now, I wonder whether this will also become another religious drama like the one that began between Jayasumana and Dr Shafi some years ago?

You must be busy in your new job, Deshabandu, but when you have free time, look up a chap called Mohan. He, like you, took up a top job even higher than yours to do his master’s bidding. The master lost, this chap also lost his job and is now erased from history. Some say they see similarities here.

The tide can turn quickly. You must have realised this when you were set upon by a mob during the ‘aragalaya’ and may have needed some ‘Siddhalepa’ yourself. Deshabandu, with all the fines you have to pay, why not claim royalties from ‘Siddhalepa’? You have given that brand so much publicity!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS: Deshabandu, your place in history is assured – as the ‘Siddhalepa’ IGP. Come to think of it, the late gentleman who invented ‘Siddhalepa’ contested the presidential election with Uncle Ranil and Mahinda maama, promising a cow for every household. He didn’t win, but I feel he kept his promise!