5th Column

My dear Basil,

I am writing to you after seeing you return to Paradise to a hero’s welcome after spending some time in America. I wondered why so many came to welcome you, an ordinary citizen with no official position. Maybe it is to see how a ‘kaputa’ gets off the plane rather than a ‘kaputa’ hitting the plane.

Still, it is better than what it was like at the same airport nearly two years ago during the ‘aragalaya’. When the going got tough, you packed your bags and tried to leave as you usually do. Immigration Officers stopped you. The way you keep coming back, they must be wishing that they let you go!  

Not all the ‘pohottuwa’ faithful were there this week, though. They have split into so many factions, that we have lost count. You must have heaved a sigh of relief to see at least a few dozen at the airport when the stock of the ‘pohottuwa’ party is falling daily and the ‘69 lakhs’ now looks more like 69,000.

It was surprising to see Kappam Prasanna there. He has been going around the country saying Uncle Ranil is the only person who can ‘save’ the country, and if he is to support a ‘pohottuwa’ candidate it has to be someone smarter than him, but there are none. Is he insulting you, Namal, or both of you?

Many wonder why the return of Basil stirs up so much excitement year after year. This year, it is because we are due for at least one big election where Uncle Ranil can’t say ‘there is no money for an election’. His own job is now up for grabs.

Both Uncle Ranil and the ‘pohottuwa’ are playing a cat and mouse game, each not telling the other whether they will run for the top job. Both camps want you to discuss this issue with Uncle Ranil and come to an agreement – just like you did soon after Gota maama fled, and made him the new boss.

You don’t have much of a choice, Basil. If the ‘pohottuwa’ fields a candidate, that person will fail, no matter who it is, such is its popularity. Besides, Namal baby would try to be the next Opposition Leader rather than contest and finish fourth with 10 percent of the vote – that will be a blot on his CV!

Some want you to be a candidate. It will be a disgrace if you were to run and end up with 10 percent of the vote. Then, people will call you ‘Seeyata Dahaya’ or ‘10 percent’ just like you now call Anura ‘Seeyata Thuna’ or ‘3 percent’. Ah, pardon me, you are ‘Mr 10 percent’ even now!

This is probably why some ‘pohottuwa’ chaps want a general election before the poll for the top job. That way, you will win at least some seats. If Uncle Ranil wins some seats on his own and gets a few of Sajith’s many disgruntled ‘telephone’ chaps to co-operate, he can cobble together a coalition.

Let’s face it, Basil, the plan now is to somehow defeat Anura sahodaraya and his purple brigade, isn’t it? Maybe you can learn a lesson from the recent election in Pakistan where long-time rivals, the Bhuttos and Sharifs got together and formed a government, just so they could keep Imran Khan out.

Besides, if you were to join Uncle Ranil and opt for a general election, you can ask for your ‘pound of flesh’ before making a deal with him. That could be becoming PM. At least, that is what your cousin Udayanga of Ukraine fame says, but we have to take that with a pinch of salt because of who says it.

Even to do that, Basil, you will have to let go of your American citizenship. I wouldn’t advise you to do that. Just look at what happened to Gota maama when he had to flee. Uncle Sam wouldn’t have him back. You wouldn’t want that to be the case when you pack your bags and leave the next time!

I am also not convinced that Uncle Ranil will buy your pitch for a general election being held first. The only other time that happened was when Dearly Beloved – who, like Uncle Ranil was a stand-in boss – did that 30 years ago- and the Greens haven’t won an election for the top job since then!

With all these issues bothering you, it is not surprising that when we saw you at the airport you weren’t your usual perfectly groomed self. You had even sprouted a few grey hairs! Ask yourself, Basil, is it really worth all this hassle when what you may be fighting for is only third place?

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS: Fate decreed that the arrival of Basil, who, as Finance Minister led Paradise to bankruptcy in less than 9 months, co-incided with the departure of Ronnie, the Finance Minister who held that job for the longest time, 11 years. Sadly, what Ronnie joined together, prodigal Basil put asunder!