5th Column

My dear Monkey in Panadura,

This is the first time I am writing to someone who is not a human, but I thought I must, even if I am not sure whether you are dead or alive. You have gained international fame, with news headlines all over the world describing how you managed to plunge an entire nation into darkness in an instant.

I am not sure why everyone is so surprised, though. Legend has it that your ancestor Hanuman did exactly the opposite. He is said to have set the entire country alight after King Ravana set fire to his tail. Were you trying to add to his sins centuries later by plunging the country into darkness?

In this instance, we in Paradise have become the laughing stock of the world. The rest of the world is wondering how, in this day and age, one animal can cause a countrywide power cut. Either we have a very primitive electricity network or someone gave a very silly excuse that was not very creative.

In fact, you have been used quite frequently as an excuse recently. Mahinda Amarey, our former Agriculture Minister blamed you for the dwindling yield of coconuts, saying your tribe is responsible for the destruction of millions of coconuts every year. He even tried to ‘export’ you to China.

Then, our present Agriculture Minister Lal said farmers should be allowed to get rid of you if you try to destroy their crop. Some rathu sahodarayas have even said they cannot be held responsible for high coconut prices because previous governments have done nothing to control you and your kind.

Anyway, my dear monkey in Panadura, at this time, we are not sure whether you are dead or alive because of the controversy over your death. There were many ‘death notices’ circulating on social media lamenting your demise but how can you believe them when there is so much of ‘fake’ news’?

Some say your burnt body was found near the power station at Panadura which triggered the blackout. There was even a photograph of that monkey, said to be yours. Still, people have doubts about what happened last Sunday. That is because these types of deaths are always suspicious in Paradise.

For instance, we know that finding a charred body is not definite evidence of dying from burns. Someone could have killed you, burnt your body and left it there to create the impression that you died of the burns. That way, they can blame you for the blackout while concealing the real reason!

If you indeed died last Sunday, my dear monkey in Panadura, it is almost certain that they won’t allow you to rest in peace. They will want your body buried, not cremated. Someone will then want it exhumed to find the cause of death. Even after that there is a risk of parts of your body disappearing!

Already, a security guard at the power station is saying that you and your kind are frequently seen at the power station and he doesn’t think you could do such great damage all by yourself. That sort of statement will be enough for the conspiracy theorists to get to work and suggest sinister motives.

In a way, it is better that this happened at Panadura – and not at a high security zone at Attidiya in Ratmalana, for instance. If it occurred there, some will ask questions such as “how can this happen in a high security zone in broad daylight without being noticed?” for years without getting any answers.

As the plot thickens, my dear monkey in Panadura, and people cast doubts about what really occurred last Sunday, we can do what we usually do. We could appoint a committee of inquiry, maybe a select committee of Parliament or even a presidential commission of inquiry to find out what went wrong.

Then, for the next several years, we will be debating the findings of these different inquiries, each person selecting which one they wish to believe. Who knows, the next elections maybe fought on the issue of a political party promising to get to the bottom of what happened to you and deliver justice.

Of course, we may never ever know the truth. After many years of investigations and promises of delivering justice, your case may not be proceeded with for the ‘lack of evidence’. Or worse, if a huge fuss is made about that decision, even that direction may then be suspended until further notice!

All this was after Minister Kumara said it was you who caused the blackout on Sunday. Earlier, when Yo baby was arrested, Deputy Minister Aruna said, “we knew about it, but we didn’t say anything”. When will these ‘maalimaawa’ chaps learn that, when there is nothing to say, they must say nothing?

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS: It’s a pity you chose last Sunday to do what you did. Some suggested you should have done so on Saturday instead. If so, we could have used that to cancel the day’s play in the Test match. Then again, that wouldn’t have served any purpose because we would have lost on Sunday anyway!