5th Column

My dear Avurudu Kumaraya,

I thought I must write to you now because you must be having difficulty in deciding what gifts you should bring as you usher in the Sinhala and Tamil New Year for all of us in Paradise. As I see it, there are some who have got their gifts already but there are others who could really do with a gift or two.

As for Anura sahodaraya, you can argue that he has got all the gifts he wanted. With the top job, a two-thirds majority in Parliament and an opposition that doesn’t know whether to propose or oppose, what more could he possibly want, you may wonder. The reality is, there is a lot more that he needs.

Right now, what Anura sahodaraya would really like is for Trump’s tariffs to be withdrawn. Everyone is blaming him for not anticipating this- although the rest of the world also seems to have been caught off-guard too. Writing letters to the White House and saying it has been received won’t be enough!

Avurudu Kumaraya, could you also gift Anura sahodaraya with a few more men and women who know what to say and when to say it and importantly, what not to say and when to keep their mouths shut? With colleagues like Nalin, Wasantha, Jayakody and the two Sunils, who needs an opposition?

On the other side, there are many issues you can help Sajith with. Already, he has got Imthiaz back as his chairman. The courts postponing Colombo’s municipal election might be a gift of sorts to him. He can now concentrate on that when it is held and hope that Dr. Haniffa wins him his first big election!

Winning elections are out of reach for young Namal, though. What he needs is a pass providing access to the CID whenever he wants, because he visits that place so often. What he would really like is for all his cases to go away, but that is wishful thinking because appachchi is not the boss anymore.

As for Namal’s appachchi himself, he may want a peaceful retirement where he doesn’t have to worry about his sons being indicted with this, that and the other. However, he must be happy: he still has his mansion because the rathu sahodarayas don’t have the courage to write a letter asking him to leave.

Namal must be hoping that the best gift he can receive this New Year is for his two baappas, Gota and Basil to stay away. He may have got that but offsetting that is the return of Lohan, who said Anura sahodaraya will not become boss as long as he is alive. Ah, these ‘pohottuwa’ chaps don’t change!

Then there is Uncle Ranil for whom the best gift would be someone he can handover his Green party to. That is, of course, if he wants to. Now the problem is, there are too many waiting to take over. they are fighting with each other and Ravi who would have otherwise been the frontrunner has gone rogue.

There are those who will say that the best gift for Uncle Ranil will be retirement, with maybe a few lectures to distinguished audiences and a Netflix subscription to keep him occupied. What he should not accept, even as a gift, is of course an interview to a talk show with an international audience!

We also have amongst us those with a party but with no following such as Wimal, Udaya and Dilith, those with a following but with no proper party such as Champika and those with neither a following nor a proper party such as the Field Marshal. Could you give them something, Avurudu Kumaraya?

The other gift that will be very much in demand this New Year, you will be surprised to know, is bail. As of now, Deshabandu may want his job back but what he is desperate for is bail. Chamara Sampath also wants bail and there may be a few more joining the queue for bail before the New Year dawns.

Meanwhile, what our Police force wants is to be able to find the elusive Sewwandi, after failing to find Deshabandu until he turned up in a courthouse. What we would like for our Police though is to be able to prevent suspects dying, whether it is in custody or while being taken to find hidden weapons!

As for the rest of us, citizens of Paradise, we will be happy with simpler things: being able to buy some rice at a reasonable price to cook the ‘kiribath’, our electricity remaining uninterrupted despite monkeys jumping around and not being given unrealistic promises that we know will never be kept.

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS- Some would have us believe that you have already come gone, in the guise of Modi who visited us last week like a modern-day Santa Claus in a sherwani. That depends on who’s side you are on. The rathu sahodarayas claim he came bearing gifts but there is a price to pay for all that, isn’t there?