My dear Deve Gowda,

I know that by the time you read this, you might not be the Prime Minister of India. I'm so sorry for you, but you really have only yourself to blame for not learning from your little neighbour about how to run a coalition government.

You see, Deve, we too have a coalition government which, unlike you, enjoys only a one seat majority in Parliament and no one thought it would last this long, but it has. So, I guess our people here are smarter than you.

To start with, Deve, you should have appointed yourself President. Never mind your election promises; people forget them sooner than you would imagine!

The simple rule in a coalition is to divide and rule, we have our share of troublemakers here, even in the Cabinet, and most of the time they are at each other's throats, so you should promote that. And, once in a while, you can promote one over the other.

Of course, they have to be given all the comforts of power - free cars, telephones, offices and anything else that they ask for - so they won't even dream of dumping you and facing another election, risking all the privileges they enjoy.

And, it helps, Deve, if you can just "exchange letters'' with your opponents. It doesn't mean a thing, really, but everyone is fooled by it and they start talking of your ''statesman-like'' action!

Then, you must also have those papers, TV and Radio under control, Deve. A little freedom and they start to think that they rule the country. Usually, a couple of court cases and a few new laws are all that is needed to keep them in check. (You shouldn't overdo it, you know - that was tried here; killing journalists, for example, that was only counter-productive!

Then, whenever your cricket team wins, you must make a big fuss over it and award them National honours. That way, people tend to associate you with the team, and you might get a few more votes.

And, finally, Deve, you should never reshuffle the Cabinet. The known devils, you know, are better than the unknown angels. But you should always keep hinting at a reshuffle. Then, everyone is in suspense and they will not go against you.

I hope you can make use of this advice even at this late stage.

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha.

P.S. - And, when everything else fails, Deve, you should have a small election - say, for instance for local government bodies. With a little rigging here and a little rigging there and with a little help from a Professor to explain the statistics, you can announce to the world, that you have won and most people can be fooled. Best of all, no one in the coalition will challenge your authority. Believe me, Deve, it works like magic!

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