2nd November 1997

Women: rights not responsibilities

The roles women play have changed but not entrenched attitudes

A paper presented by Anne Abayasekara at a workshop on “Woman, Family & Society in the SAARC Region: Vision 2000” organised by the Sri Lanka Women’s Conference and held at
the Galle Face Hotel from October 17-20, 1997.

The typical, tradi tional concept of a good woman are contained in these verses from a poem called the Kavyasekeraya, composed in the 15th Century and, until recently, often included in school texts (Sinhala Grade 9). In this work the old Brahmin father gives the following advice to his daughter on her marriage:-

“Do not go out without your husband’s permission; when you go out, do not walk fast and see that you are properly clad.

“Be like a servant to your husband, his parents and his kinsmen.

“When your husband returns home from a journey, receive him joyously and wash his feet; do not relegate this task to servants.

“Do not spend your time standing at your door, strolling about in gardens and parks and do not be lazy at your household tasks.

“Protect the gods in your house. Do not give anything away even to your own children without your husband’s consent.

“If your husband’s attention seems directed elsewhere, do not speak to him about it, let your tears be the only indication of your sorrow.

“Seek out your husband’s desires in food and see that he is constantly satisfied, feed him and ensure well-being like a mother.

“When you go to your husband, let it be like a goddess, beautiful, clad in colourful silks, ornaments and sweet smelling perfumes.

“Be the last to go to bed and the first to rise. When your husband wakes, see that you are by his side.

“Even if your husband appears angry and cold, do not speak roughly to him; be kind and forgiving. Never think to look elsewhere for your comfort.”

Traditional concepts which have formed attitudes for generations, are not easily relinquished - even by women. So, it was accepted that the woman walked two steps behind the man, that she waited on him hand and foot, that she excused or tolerated his weaknesses, that she unprotestingly bore a large number of children and that her needs were the least considered by herself and others. To this day, it is taken for granted that where food on the table is scarce, the lion’s share of whatever little there is, is set aside for the man of the house; the children come next and the wife and mother eats last of all, scraping the pots as was shown in a popular teledrama.

There is a great deal of malnutrition and low haemoglobin content among pregnant women in our country and the health services have tried to educate families to realize that adequate nutrition for the mother is very important if she is to produce a healthy baby.

The old ideas were strongly reflected in an article entitled “A Woman’s Place is the Home”, published in a Sunday newspaper on August 31st of this year. The author was an elderly lady. “ ....In Sri Lanka the exodus of women to man’s domain is continuing in ever-increasing numbers, leaving homes empty, mere houses and no longer homes where mother was always present in the past. Women who have become materialistic, and got accustomed to this new way of life, have lost the love of home and family they once had and are loath to go back to their former way of life as dedicated housewives. Unemployment of men, who are no longer recognized as breadwinners, is largely due to our women who have lost their sense of vocation... The duties assigned to a man are different from those assigned to a woman.

The difference between a male child and a female child is seen from birth. It is these difference that result in the attraction of the sexes. The Western concept of sex equality negates the teaching of all the world religions. It is this concept that has primarily caused chaos in the world. Just as there are never two heads in any institution, likewise in the institution of marriage. The husband has been recognized as the head of the family and the wife as his helpmate as in the teaching of all religions... Mothers of the past did not think of their rights but only of their duties and responsibilities.” There was much more, but this was the gist of the long article. My interpretation of the words, Family Ethics, is the kind of interaction and relationship there is among the family members. In the traditional family, the wife and mother did all the work in and around the house, assisted by the eldest girl-child. Male siblings generally got off scot-free and grew up accustomed to being ministered to by mothers and sisters.

The pattern set by the father who distanced himself from household chores and concerns, was followed by the sons in later life. And mothers expected well-brought up daughters-in-law to attend to their husbands’ creature comforts with the same devotion that they, the mothers, had done. Women were conditioned to thinking of themselves as fore-ordained to serve the other sex; men saw themselves as lords and masters to be obeyed and to be ministered to. Sheila Kitzinger, a famous British anthropologist who has done research in many different countries in both East and West, observes that “Men often give family matters short shrift, and any help they offer with housework and child care is an optional extra, because they see the really important issues only in the world outside the home.” Kindness, consideration, fidelity, courtesy, respect, were expected of the woman towards her husband. If the husband showed the same qualities in his treatment of her, it was seen as a bonus given out of the goodness of his heart.

When the roles were clear-cut and distinctive, it was easier to accept tradition. The man went out and earned for the family; the wife took care of hearth and home and didn’t dream of expecting him to draw water or collect firewood or mind the baby. Today, in the last years of the 20th century, with change overtaking us so rapidly, it is obvious that the roles have merged, but that entrenched attitudes are the last to change. When we look at the advertisements on TV, it’s always a woman who is featured washing clothes, or ironing them, using a sewing machine, cooking, scrubbing saucepans, or bathing baby.

Even the floor polishers are handled by women in the advertisements. on the small screen. Yet we know that women play many roles today besides that of housewife and mother, that the first executive President of our country is a woman and so is the Prime Minister, that women head banks and businesses and corporations and are represented in all the professions as well as the armed services. Many more than the women seeking fulfillment through careers, are those whom financial necessity compels to work full-time in order to supplement the family income in these days of ever-soaring cost of living.

A working mother can juggle two jobs successfully only if she has the support at home of husband and children. Not all husbands of today keep aloof from involvement with household affairs. Granted there aren’t enough of them around as yet, but we do find men who go marketing, enjoy cooking, help with the washing up, wash out the bathrooms, run the floor-polisher and take care of baby not on a regular, daily basis, maybe, but often enough to make the wife feel that there is a much fairer sharing of chores.

I had the good fortune, a few years ago, of meeting a young man who had broken with tradition and convention in the role he played. He had lost his job during a strike. His wife held a steady job in the public sector. This young man could sew. He decided to stay at home, take care of their little child, and execute orders on his wife’s sewing machine, while she kept her job.

I went to his home with a friend who wanted some saree blouses sewn and we had to wait a while because the man was bathing his little child at the well. He came in, holding the child, looking quite composed and at ease, and took the order. Some months later, I learned that his business had expanded and he had bought a second sewing machine and engaged a tailor to assist him.

In gender-fair relations, roles are not defined nor work assigned according to sex. Each does what comes naturally to her or him, each contributes her/ his special skills for the economic improvement and the well-being of the whole family. Boys will learn early to make their own beds, wash their own clothes, go to the boutique, lend a hand with the dishes, sweep the garden, and take turns with their sisters at watering the plants, or pouring tea and coffee, or making a curry or baking a cake.

There’s no reason why a boy may not learn how to use a sewing machine and anyone in the family is surely capable of operating a washing machine. Girls will be encouraged to follow their bent academically or vocationally.

It will be recognized by the whole family that a wife and mother isn’t required always to foster the development of others, but that she is entitled to develop herself as well, to make the most of her own gifts and realize her full potential, without being made to feel guilty about it. All members of the family will be aware of their obligations as well as their rights.

Any family makes complex demands of all its members, and human relationships within the family have constantly to be kept in good repair. The home is supposed to be a haven of love and joy and peace, but sadly, it often is just the opposite - “a place where the ugliest and most destructive emotions are experienced, where there is disturbing inter-personal conflict, and inside its four walls these raw feelings are concentrated and mixed together as if in a pressure cooker.”

This has been revealed in the whole issue of domestic violence, including abuse of children, in the home, that has been brought into the open only in recent times.

If gender-fair relations are ever to become a reality, many changes have to take place. To quote Sheila Kitzinger once again: “If we are to change employment patterns so that men can get to know their children, be active fathers and take their full share in family life, employers and governments will no longer be able to demand that men commit themselves to work as if their families did not exist, or were just a pleasant backdrop to real life.

“This will mean flexible working hours, job-share schemes, part-time work available for men and not just for women, paternity as well as maternity leave, the recognition that parents of young children should be free to take time off work when children are ill or they have crises in family life, and the opportunity for men and women to have breaks from work, to work from home, and to vary their career patterns. Change in the home can occur only when there are radical changes in the workplace.” A tall order. Governments and peoples have to re-think their priorities, taking human needs into account.

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