14th, December 1997

Twelve days of Christmas

How not to experience seasonal cheer

Ah! Christmas is in the air. 'Tis the season to be jolly... or Kenny.. or whatever your name is. It's time again for Christmas cards, carols, gifts and that fat old man in a red suit.

But the Christmas spirit isn't something that comes naturally - you have to get yourself into it. So those of you who are not yet in the Christmas spirit - don't worry, you can take a crash course.

So here's Kenny's step-a-day 12-step programme guaranteed to get you into the Christmas spirit.

1. Lock the padre in the vestry (Dec.14)

It is absolutely essential you forget that Christmas is a religious holiday. It is mandatory to the concept of fun that you don't let guilt or morals get in the way.

2. Lashing out (Dec 15)

Some people hate Christmas. They see it as a sales stunt cooked up by shopkeepers to bleed their wallets. They also find the constant litany of Christmas songs on the radio annoying. This is a serious problem in getting into the Christmas spirit. If you are one of these people, you need to vent your anger. Try punching a shopkeeper or a DJ in the nose.

3. Ice bags (Dec 16)

Step two will only make you feel better temporarily (Depending on how long it takes him to hit you back). If you hit him hard enough, you can have the day off to enjoy a job well done. If you didn't, then you'll probably need bedrest and a few packs of ice.

4. Happy thoughts (Dec 17)

You need to forget your worries and frustrations. Relax. Take a walk on the beach. Listen to some nice music.

5. Navel rings (Dec 18)

Good. You're making progress. But you're still too square and uptight. You need to cut loose - do something wild and crazy - get your navel pierced. It's the in thing. It's cool and hip. And this way you can make sure you won't forget where you put your house key after the next step.

6. Binge drinking (Dec 19)

You're almost half way through and you're running out of time. It's time you resorted to that tried and tested method of lifting spirits - Alcohol. Since you're looking for definite results you may have to drink a few bottles. If you're feeling slightly ill - go out for some fresh air - take a drive.

7. Iron bars (Dec 20)

So you're in jail. It's not your fault - those traffic lights should have moved out of the way. But it's not so bad - after all, you need to get over your hangover. You should be able to get bail by tomorrow morning. So look at today as a day of rest - even God rested on the seventh day. Just one thing, don't let any of the inmates talk you into playing "Santa and the elf" - especially if he wants to be Santa.

8. Hari Krishnas (Dec. 21)

Ahh! Free again. But enough chit=chat - you've got to get back down to business. You can't do anything really fun now that they've confiscated your driver's licence, so you'll have to make do with what you have.

You're still far too stressed. You need to relax. Meditate. There's nothing to it - first you shave your head. Then you wear a cheesecloth robe - taking care not to be silhouetted in the light. Sit with your legs crossed and think about as little as possible. No not like a politician - they don't shave their heads.

9. While you're sleeping (Dec. 22)

Now that your mind is empty, this is the perfect time to put happy thoughts into your head. Hypnosis is the best way to do this. For this you have to go to a professional.

10. Boys-a-jogging (Dec. 23)

It's your fault. You should have explained what exactly you meant by "Happy" thoughts to the hypnotist. Well it can't be helped now - just try not to whistle at policemen wearing tight pants. You've only got two days to go. You might have to resort to drastic measures -

11. Pigs-a-Flying (Dec 24)

Okay. That seems to have done the trick. But we have one day more. So why not try lifting your spirits up as much as possible. I've heard that electric shocks administered in controlled doses have had amazing results on lab rats.

12. Merry Christmas! (Dec. 25)

I've never heard of anyone being pronounced brain-dead after just one electric shock. It usually takes at least three according to experts. What a whimp.

You're pathetic. Look at yourself - you're a bald, gay, braindead, navel-ringed junkie in a cheesecloth robe, waiting to stand trial for drunk-driving. You're a loser - and you probably deserve the lousy Christmas you're going to have.

I can't believe I wasted my time trying to get you into the Christmas spirit.

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