The Fifth Column

12th April 1998

Gifts galore

My Dear Avurudu Kumaraya,

I thought I must write to you this festive season, because a lot of people must be expecting a lot of things from you.

Of course, Avurudu Kumaraya, I know that you have started distributing your Avurudu gifts a little while before the New Year actually began. You have given Emirates a nice little Avurudu gift in the form of AirLanka and you have also promised Satellite a palace somewhere in Kotte.

If you can afford those gifts, Avurudu Kumaraya, why don't you look a little more kindly at nurses, postal workers and bank employees, also. They are not asking for billion rupee hand outs, they only want a few more rupees added to their wages. If you can give them that, Avurudu Kumaraya, we will all be happy because we will get our letters on time, the banks will pay us and the nurses will be there to care for us if we fall sick!

Then, Kumaraya, you must also give a special gift to Anura and Ronnie. When there is so little entertainment on TV, these two entertained us with their verbal free-for-all, washing their dirty linen in public. You must also not forget to give another gift to young Ranil, for allowing the fight to go on, instead of calling a halt at once. That chap is hard to beat for sheer lethargy!

Then, Avurudu Kumaraya, you must give gifts to the other side too. Maybe you could start with the good General giving him a packet of resignation letters which he can issue whenever he needs to boost his popularity. Of course, you must not forget to include a packet of posters calling for the withdrawal of the resignation, as well!

To young SB you can give a bottle full of steroids so he can go around testing athletes and having them banned. (There was a time when he was the first to defend those who tested positive for steroids, Kumaraya, but I'm afraid those days are over now.)

Then, there is also Mangala, who has done us a good turn by giving free telephone calls on New Year Day. The best New Year gift for him, Avurudu Kumaraya, would be a Black African male, but I'm not sure you should give him that.

Then, Kumaraya, you must also give a special gift to Batty and Thonda, simply because Thonda manages to stage plantation strikes while being with the government and Batty manages to oppose the Eppawela deal, while still being in the Cabinet!

But, Kumaraya, your biggest gift must go to the soldiers in the North and East and the ordinary citizens of this country for tolerating all these people and still managing to smile despite the war, bomb blasts, rising prices and whatever else that comes their way.

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS - Kumaraya you should also give a special gift to our cricket team. These days, they are playing in such a way that the government dare not impose any hardships on us. Remember those days when they used to win and win and win and the government used to raise the price of bread, but still, nobody took any notice because every one was watching cricket on TV!

Rajpal Abeynayake's Column

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