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 Blair-ing
it all
By Afdhel Aziz
Hot on the heels of George Michael’s outing, comes the slightly less
shocking news that Tony Blair has been hiding a far more embarrassing fact
- at school he was nicknamed Emily. Contemporaries of Blair at Fettes College,
the Edinburgh school Blair attended from the age of twelve onwards, revealed
that he received the moniker because of ‘his girlish appearance.’
A former schoolmate says ‘Emily became one of a group of cherubs who
received favourable treatment because of their looks.’ I believe in Colombo
the current slang term is ‘gala boy.’ The ribbing stopped when Tony, sorry
Emily, asserted his masculinity by dating the first girl who ever joined
the all-boys school.
The future Prime Minister did have to undergo his share of public school
humiliation - polishing shoes and belt buckles until the owner could see
his face in it. If not, they would be thrown back into his face.
However, when Blair graduated to the sixth form, he got his very own
fag, a new boy who had to run errands for the older pupils. Blair’s old
‘fag,’ now a Scottish novelist named Ross Leckie claimed that ‘When Blair
was a house prefect he used to demand not only that his boots were polished,
but also the soles too’ - perhaps a sign of his future autocratic tendencies.
Apparently he and the headmaster used to have furious arguments over the
length of his hair, which was deemed too long. Now that Emily’s looking
a little thin on top he probably longs for the days when it was glossy
and long..........
With British film-making booming with hits like ‘The Full Monty, their
products are now being seen around the world. Unfortunately, in the many
new places where English-language films are being made, the problem of
translating the title into something local audiences will understand has
proved to be somewhat of a sticky one - with China being the largest area
of concern. For instance, ‘The Full Monty,’ a comedy about six unemployed
British men who turn to stripping as a profession (going the ‘Full Monty’
means getting completely butt naked) has rather unflatteringly been translated
to ‘Six Naked Pigs.’
Oliver Stone’s ‘Nixon’ painted an even more unflattering picture of
the former President by having its name changed to ‘The Big Liar’. That
romantic epic ‘The English Patient’ would apparently have translated into
Cantonese as ‘The Sick Englishman,’ a title which would presumably not
have attracted a lot of young lovers; so the distributors emphasized Ralph
Fiennes mysterious character and promptly changed the title to the far
more intriguing ‘Do Not Ask Me Who I Am - Ever!’ And the plotline of John
Woo’s action movie ‘Face/Off’ was completely given away by having its name
changed to ‘Two Heroes Stealing Each Other’s Faces.’ But the one who has
undoubtedly come off the worst is Mr. Jack Nicholson, whose Oscar award
winning performance in ‘As Good as it Gets’ as the neighbour from hell,
has been unceremoniously rewarded by having its name changed to Mr.Cat
Poop............
At the moment I’m writing this article, the weather in London is going
berserk. It’s April, supposed to be the month of spring and lambs and crocuses
and love and all that other good stuff. Unfortunately, outside it’s snowing
- big, thick, gulag-type stuff that wouldn’t be amiss in Siberia. Actually
that reminds me of something else that I was meaning to tell you about.
It is well-known that the Eskimos have hundreds of words to describe snow
- since that seems to be the defining element in everyone’s life.
Well, one enterprising Englishwoman set out to find out how many words
the English had for the defining element in their lives: mud. You might
be surprised to find that there are actually 313 . Here’s just a few of
them - clabber, claom, cokyr-mete, gutter, limus, lutulence, moil, slobber,
slubber, sleck, slutch ,sploosh, fanc, groot and grummel (the last three
sound like a Dutch law firm).
There’s also a whole bunch of mud-related words like ‘wasel’ (to trample
in mud), ‘besmotter’ (to splatter with mud) and ‘antigropelos’ (leggings
that protect legs against mud). Though somehow I can’t imagine British
mums yelling to their kids ‘ Sarah, don’t wasel, you’ll besmotter your
antigropelos and I’m not doing any more washing this weekend’..............
 Self-control
- a must
My darling daughter,
A few days ago I went for a party - now don’t smile but when my creaking
old bones allow me, I love going for parties - they are such fun and you
do meet the most interesting people.
Anyway, this party I went for was organized by one of my friends
as a farewell for her young son and his family who were going abroad. Most
of your friends were there, a number of them with their young families.
Everything was going on quite well when suddenly Shanthini started an argument
with her husband, apparently he had got late to come home from work, and
wasn’t Shanthini furious. She berated him, and the poor boy was feeling
quite embarrassed.
Most, of your friends were aghast, and some tried to silence her,
but it was of no avail, “You all think he is a wonderful person, I am the
one who knows what he really is. “It was as if the floodgates of some dam
had broken loose suddenly.
l felt sorry for Amal, who tried to smile off her accusations, but
when it appeared as if nothing could stop her, he left the party - and
I wondered sadly whether he had left behind his marriage too.
Later when I spoke to Shantini she argued that she was quite justified,
but I think daughter whatever the reasons, no -one has the right to humiliate
another in front of others - this is more so with regard to a husband and
wife. Before society became so modernized even within the family if an
argument took place between husband and wife it was after the children
were in bed or away from the house. Never did you hear a husband or wife
blasting each other in public, to do so was regarded as demeaning to oneself.
I think, daughter, whatever anybody says about a liberated society,
those old patterns of behaviour safeguarded one’s self respect, and protected
the family from outside innuendoes and disparaging comments. I know you
will say that it is wrong, but there were certain wives who even tolerated
in silence the various lapses of their husbands, and upbraided them only
in the sanctity of the home rather than ridicule them in public in order
to safeguard the marriage and provide a safe home for the children. Today
the young seem to think that whatever they have to say, their angers and
annoyances should be displayed in public, regardless of the hurt and unhappiness
they cause. I am sure, daughter, it would be good for them to remember
that one should not wash one’s dirty linen in public - an useful bit of
advice given down the generations! 1 often think what most of the young
generation need is a little bit more of self-pride and self discipline.
Shanthini felt she was being frank but she did not realise that public
functions are not places to display temper tantrums or ridicule the person
one professes to love. Maybe the old -fashioned idea of love had much more
to commend itself for it also implied faithfulness, and somehow daughter,
I think, Shanthini by her outburst was unfaithful to her husband. Do you
agree with me ? I hope you do. One day when you marry, whatever the disagreements
you have with your husband let them be settled within the walls of your
own house, not broadcast for the world, for even as the world may perhaps
sympathize with you, it would also laugh at your lack of self-control.
– Ammi
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