The Fifth Column

6th December 1998

Surprising turn of events

My dear Velu,

I thought I must write to you again when I heard that you had called for what you describe as “unconditional” talks. To tell you the truth, Velu, I was surprised; but then, the surprise element has always been your strong point, isn’t it?

Now there you are, the uncrowned king of the North for all practical purposes, having most recently beaten the General at Kilinochchi well and truly. Of course you did lose Mankulam but then, that makes the score one-all, doesn’t it?

And then I’m told, you recently celebrated your forty fourth birthday in grand style in the North, much in the same way that some people celebrated their birthdays with carnivals in this part of the land not so long ago. Now, come to think of it, Velu, you are younger than both Satellite and Ranil and I’m sure you would claim that in your own ruthless way, you have achieved much more than they have!

But, tell me Velu, do you have agents here in Colombo who have infiltrated the top rungs of the Blues and Greens? Now, you might ask me why I’m asking such a silly question and I owe you an explanation for that.

Do you remember what happened way back in ’87, Velu? Junius thought he had you cornered by the Indians (and you were cornered, weren’t you?) with the IPKF. He offered Provincial Councils but what did the Blues do? They took to the streets and staged ‘Satyagrahas’ saying it was a sell out.

Then, the uncommon Common Man started talking to you in all good faith, lodging your boys at the Hilton, and what did the Blues do again? They cried foul and said they will never support a settlement.

Well now it is the turn of the Blues to suffer. They sent their Bala to talk to your Bala but that didn’t help, did it? Even so, the good professor is still persevering with his package but what are the Greens doing now? They will never support the package, they say!

Then, there is this latest joke, Velu, where the Greens want unconditional talks and the Blues say they will never agree to that. Then, even when the business leaders want the Blues and Greens just to talk to each other, they can’t even do that. So, am I wrong, Velu, when I have my suspicions about you having a hand in all this. They - the Blues and Greens - just seem to do what you want them to do; fight with each other instead of uniting to fight you!

Be that as it may, Velu, why do you want unconditional talks now? Is it that you want to take some time off and watch our boys in action in Australia, now that Murali has been given the greenlight by that chap, Darrel Hair? Don’t count on it, Velu, because the way they are performing now you’d be happier waging war!

Or is it because somebody recently found out that you and Satellite were related, because Satellite’s distant ancestor was one Neela Perumal. Now, Velu, if you call off the war and ask for unconditional talks on that basis, you must extend the same courtesy to the Green Leader also, because those two - Satellite and the Green Leader - are also related to each other which also probably explains why they dislike talking to each other so much!

Anyway, Velu, I can assure you there would be one happy man if you were to come for those unconditional talks. And that is none other than the General who has been longing to shake your hand ever since he promised that ninety percent of the war will be over soon!

But for now, Velu, the problem is that no one is taking your “unconditional” talks seriously. That is what happens when you have been asking for “conditional” talks for so long. But never mind, Velu, keep trying!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha.

P.S. I think you should seriously consider changing your Colombo spokesman - Kumar. The chap is a genial soul and all that but he’s like the fish, you know - perishes the moment he opens his mouth!

Rajpal Abeynayake's Column

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