The Fifth Column

14th February 1999

Hoping you'll get back soon

My Dear Satellite,

I have been thinking I must write to you for some time now but I was told you were away, first in cold Switzerland and now in sunny Jamaica. Now, it is not that we grudge you a holiday, Satellite because we know you need it badly, specially after wading through all these paddy fields at Wayamba only to be told later that your supporters had developed the bad habit of rigging!

Anyway, Satellite, tell us what you are doing in Jamaica? They tell us you are attending the 'G 15' summit. No one seems to know what the 'G' stands for and there are quite a few guesses, I can assure you!

Now while you are away the green chaps are doing a few naughty things, Satellite. They are boycotting Parliament and I heard that yesterday they hoisted a white flag there saying that democracy had died. So, Satellite, whatever you are doing in Jamaica, I think you should get back soon because none of your colleagues seem to be able to do anything without you.

Then, Satellite, there is this Dayananda chap, who is also becoming a little too smart. Earlier he was making his doubts known about what happened at Wayamba. Now, the fellow has gone and fixed all the other elections on one and the same day. Now, doesn't he realise that you cannot send all your ministers to one particular province along with all the police officers, when all the provinces are having elections on the same day? You must remember such lapses of judgement by public officers, Satellite, so that you won't offer him a promotion on retirement, like you did to his predecessor, Chandrananda.

But, Satellite, this Dayananda chap seems to have a sense of humour also. Why else would he fix the the polls for the first of April which, between you and me, is the day of the voters, anyway?

Now, I suppose when you return, you have to start campaigning all over again for these new elections. You will have to find all those blue sarees you sent to the cleaners after Wayamba and get back to the family business again, but then, it's all part of your job isn't it?

But, for God's sake, Satellite, tell your ministers, MPs, polling agents, supporters and other assorted catchers not to repeat what they did at Wayamba. I suppose you realise that if they resort to any hanky- panky once again, the greens, the reds and all those "nidahas maadhya" fellows will say you did it all. And the end result of it all will be that you will be at a disadvantage when it comes to your re-election next year.

And that reminds me, Satellite, I think you should go for a new woardrobe now, Why, only the other day we saw Ranil on TV dressed up like some pink-faced Hindi heart throbs, for a moment we thought it was an interview with that Amithab chap who is supposed to be in town! But of course, you can rest assured that he can never match you for that charming smile!

So, Satellite, before signing off here's hoping that you will get back home soon so we can see you ticking off the greens every now and then - even though the Supreme Court keeps on saying that those Commission findings are flawed - and also hoping that you will put the likes of Thonda, Ashraff and Batty in their proper places instead of making silly statements while still being ministers!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha.

PS - You have still not rewarded Srimani for her campaign appearences, have you, dear Satellite? Have you forgotten, or is it that, as usual, you are always late?

Rajpal Abeynayake's Column

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