Ever heard of friends who don't quite comprehend the idea of individual space but, were faithful products of the "eat together, drink together, sit together and stand together…" clan phenomenon? Who could never get enough of each other? Who'd spend an entire weekend together down south, return to Colombo and hang out at someone's house and then go out for coffee? Who'd laugh with you and sometimes at you (but making sure that you're laughing at you too), comfort you when your whole world falls apart and sometimes, just be there, because sometimes just knowing that is enough…"
Today I have a confession to make.
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I confess to have been a part of such a 'clan.' I confess to have lived, breathed and grown with such a clan. I confess to have loved every moment I spent with that clan, be it happy or not-so-happy moments that brought us together. I confess to have NEVER regretted letting myself be so vulnerable, so attached and so dependant on the clan…until now, that is. Now – a time where that clan is no more. A time where too much/ too little has been said and done, too much time has elapsed since everything went wrong and worst of all, too much pride has been built up between us.
Let's try and be objective shall we? Being part of such a clan, as like most things in life, has both an up and down side to it. As much as it can be a source of abundant laughter, constant support and lifelong friendship, the age old saying can sometimes ring true. Sometimes, 'familiarity (does in fact) breed contempt' and that can prove to be fatal to the co-existence of such a clan. A few things that one must understand when dissecting the inner workings of a clan is that, it's members' emotions and sensitivities are always close to the surface. You mess with one, you mess with them all sort of thing. But, the type of scenario that can really break a clan apart is when the conflict is within, and not everyone is involved in the conflict. Now we come to the ugly side of a clan.
Whose side do you take? Do you take a side at all? Do you remain impartial? Is there really such a thing as being impartial in these situations? Do you act indifferent? Do you play peacekeeper cum mediator? Do you just ignore it and hope that if you ignore it long enough it'll either just go away or better yet, resolve itself? If you, by some unfortunate twist of fate, wind up being classified as a so called 'uninvolved party,’ let me tell you this for free! When in a clan, there is No Such Thing as an uninvolved party. No matter what of the above mentioned options you choose to adhere to, it's a 'lose-lose' situation. Either way, you'd be deemed a 'lousy, turn-coat, fair weather friend' who doesn't have the gall or common decency to stand up for you. Either way, you wind up hurting or disappointing one or other of the parties at war.
Do I feel sad? Fed up? Drained? Miserable and utterly H-E-L-P-L-E-S-S? Erm...well yeah that pretty much sums it up but, currently the reasoning behind my rather unsound state of mind is two-fold. One, I find it almost impossible to let go, especially when I don't have closure, and two, I manage to discover slivers of optimism where most others can find none whatsoever, and worse yet, I cling to that optimism like a 'dewdrop to a leaf' (creative simile think you not?) and torture myself to death over the possibility of a resolve!
Last week the members of the clan who are still on talking terms with one another met up, only to come face to face with other party the missing links. Beneath all that anger, hurt, strain, awkwardness and mostly, all that pride, I felt a communal sense of yearning between the two factions, to reunite.
Something inside me was pleading with me to just walk over and say "Hi, how are you? I miss you…" but, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Call it a fear of rejection, call it pride, call it what you like but, seeing them there and pretending they were "strangers" was probably one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do in my life! The same strangers who'd not so long ago, made you laugh till you cried, teased you relentlessly and then hugged you in a lame attempt at making up, who'd drop you all the way home (even though home for them was on the complete opposite side of town), just so you'd be able to hang out with the clan a little longer…
So, do we continue to indulge our pride and wallow in our hurt even at the cost of a lifetime of friendship, or do we just do as animals and children do? There really is just one question here and it's not so much a query as it is a reality. When really is enough, enough…?
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