Capitalise on compromise

Every marriage means leaning on one another but the desire to be loved and needed should not mean that one becomes overly dependent on the other. One has to blend and combine thoughts that appear almost contradictory. A happy husband must learn to be self-reliant even as he accepts the warm support of his wife. The happy wife must learn to stand alone and unaided, even whilst she needs the understanding of her husband. It is towards that goal that mutual love should lead the young husband and wife. The situations of jealousy, fear and suspicion that occur so often in marriages today are mainly because husband and wife want their partners to be mirror images of themselves. The husband would long to watch a cricket match which his wife abhors, and he may detest visiting her friends. These apparent contradictions threaten a marriage only when there is fear of losing the relationship. True enough, in society today there are many vicious tongues to play on such situations, but if the husband and wife can build a mature acceptance of each other then nothing can ever harm their marriage. Each should be free 'to be'.

I quote a verse I read to Anoja, "The greatest gift I can give when I care, is the gift to be. In my love your world touches me and my world touches you, but I must not lose my identity, nor must you lose yours". If a couple can achieve that ideal, then Anoja's expectations of living happily ever after will come true! 

Grooming up

Often we grooms are called to take on the multiple roles of driver, porter, banker and assistant to the 'chief organizer', the bride. 

Speaking for myself, I must say that I quite enjoy planning the wedding, matching clothes, settling on colour schemes, choosing flowers, deciding on whom to call to be bestman and bridesmaid, selecting the reception venue and also the hymns to be sung at the church service.

Apart from being fun, I must say that getting these tasks completed was tiring even after meticulous planning and weekly check-lists. With one week to go there is so much more to be done. I hope in the end everything will be done to satisfaction. 

Then there are the obstacles that God seems to shower on you, from groomsmen not being able to find the time for the fit-on, to difficult parents who insist that the clothes they wore for their wedding, over a quarter century ago still fit, even though it is obvious they don't. 

A wedding brings out the best and worst in people. It gives you an insight as to who your true friends are. People you think you can count on let you down badly and you are left feeling depressed. But the number of offers for help from friends whom you may not have considered to be close to you is overwhelming indeed. As a friend remarked, "As long as those who really care are with you, you are going to be fine." Here's thumbs-up to all our friends.

But something that upsets me is the way people you hardly know try to pose as 'friends of the family' and sow seeds of doubt about one's intended in-laws. These are people who will go to any length and utter any falsehood to spoil another person's happiness.

We Sri Lankans are gossips by nature and like to accuse, judge and convict others for daring to be different. But what is sad is that there are so many ready to entertain such wicked individuals.

Leaving these small issues aside, organising your wedding is an unforgettable experience and a test of how committed you are, both to your partner and to getting married. Marriage is certainly not for the faint hearted.

The Groom

One star brighter 

I am the only child in the family. Throughout my growing years, both my father and mother were away working, and I never received much care and attention when I needed it most. Maybe it was because of this that I grew up to be very sensitive and fragile. The smallest thing would make me cry. My father was a drunkard. After coming home from work, he would sit in his special chair everyday, drink liquor and smoke as if it were the only food for survival. In the mornings before going to school the first thing I would see was the empty bottles and a pot of cigarette butts and packets. I never had the courage to tell him, "Thathi, stop drinking please." (Looking back I feel that if I were closer and loving, things might have been different). 

I used to tell my problems to my best friend in school. She was a strong Christian and her father was a pastor. One day she bought me a Bible and told me, "Keep this and try to read it whenever you are free".

Although I'm a Catholic, I wasn't inclined to religion that much, but from the day I started reading it I felt more and more calm and relaxed, inside. Gradually I started going to Novenas and all I asked from Lord Jesus was happiness in our family and a change in my father. Well, change did come.. in a way that I never expected. One morning we got a call from the office saying that my father had been admitted to hospital, and only when we got to the hospital did we know that he was in the I.C.U. and that his condition was serious. All I could say was, "Lord Jesus please help me, help my father, please, please, dear Lord Jesus." I kept repeating it again and again. 

We went home prayed with the Holy Bible in hand. He was in the hospital for nearly one and a half months. 

I really do believe in miracles now, for after leaving the hospital the first thing he said was "God has given me a second chance. Thank you dear Lord, thank you". And for the first time in my life I saw my father cry. 

After that he too became a devoted Catholic. He stopped all his bad habits, and stepped into the shoes of loving father and husband. I am so sure it was the power of Jesus that made my father change, and made my family happy and I also know that God gives things according to His plan.

The greatest miracle I witnessed was when I saw my father praying with his eyes closed and hands clasped together. This became a habit every morning before going to work. It is amazing what God can do. 

Although most of my life I suffered mentally because of my father's drunkenness, the few happy years have made me forget the sad times. 

He died two years back. It was a very peaceful death. Every time I see his picture in the golden frame, I feel so proud of him.

Although he is no longer with us, I always feel his presence.... in my heart. Heaven is one star brighter since the day he left us. 

Ms. S.R.C. Mendis

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