Jokes Corner

* The leaf! The leaf!

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

* The blonde syndrome

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he has only one eye!" The policeman says, "Well....uh....that's because the picture shows his profile."

Flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he has only one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, " ....think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm .... the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer....wait here a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he has only one eye and one ear."

*Labels: excessively informative

On a bottle of flavored milk drink: "After opening, keep upright." On a can of windscreen de-icing spray: "Spray works in sub-zero temperatures." On a can of insect spray: "Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to bees." A different brand of insect spray: "Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals."

* Sweet revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

* Quotes of the day

"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died." — Richard Divan "Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good." — Samuel Johnson

* Kids 'n' religion

When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. But anyway, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her. Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, daddy?"

* It's a party

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you......"

* The 'millenium' prayer

I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer.I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."

*What a dad!

Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while. "You understand it now?" Mommy asks. "Yes," replies her daughter. "Do you still have any questions?" "Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?" "In exactly the same way as with babies." "Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

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