12th November 2000

Only if you had asked us

I thought I must write to you when I heard about what happened at the American elections on Tuesday when they were unable to declare a clear winner, though it appeared that George Bush would eventually win.

You know, Al, when your party is in office it is a crime to lose an election. We in Paradise never let that happen. And if the results seem 'too close to call' as you Americans like to say, there are ways and means of ensuring that you win, and if you had only asked me earlier I could have updated you with some of the latest tricks in the trade.

One of the first things to do is to get the media on your side. I know that this may be difficult to do in America but what should be done is to have a state run media which will work for the party in power, no matter what the independent media says. Then, you can get half the propaganda work done that way.

I know you tried some of those tactics when it was revealed that George Bush was arrested for drunken driving some thirty years ago, but that is not enough, Al. You could have said, for instance, that he ran a torture chamber for suspects when his father was the President or that he planned to hand over Kuwait to Saddam Hussein for a two year trial period after having secret talks with Saddam's agent in Singapore. These stories may seem far-fetched, but trust me, some people do believe them if they are repeated often enough!

During the campaign, Al, you should have got your party people to disrupt a few of Bush's meetings - throw a bomb, remove some flags, hurt a few people. It may not be very democratic, Al but what then happens is that his workers get demoralised and as a result the whole campaign suffers.

Of course, Al, most of the hard work of winning an election must be done not during the campaign as you Americans believe but on election day itself. You should have got able-bodied young men to prowl the streets and scare away any people who look like they would vote for Bush. Why, in remote areas, you could have even prevented Bush supporters from going out to vote!

But Al, they tried and tested best method of all is of course to stuff the ballot boxes. I don't know how practical this would be. In America but if there was any difficulty about that, you should have asked us and we would have been only too glad to send you the experts, one from the city of Kandy and the other from a place called Hanguranketha.

And Al, the biggest opportunity you missed was when they ordered the recount in Florida. You know, we had a similar situation when a recount was ordered in Kandy but when the election results were declared, they ensured that the ruling party was back in power - and don't ask me how because every trick in the book was used. You may be appalled at such tactics but Al, what finally matters is winning, right?

Anyway, we are told that George Bush is likely to be the President because of your somewhat peculiar electoral system, even though you have got more votes from the people than he has. Believe me Al, we are familiar with this feeling of being governed by a party for whom the majority has not voted for but there is nothing you can do about it now - so all that you can do now is to plan for the next election. So, best of luck the next time around!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha.

PS: It's a pity we couldn't advise you before the election. But now that you appear to have lost and you need some advice on how to behave in the opposition we have experts on that too - but you must be careful in taking that advice because then you might forever be in the opposition!

The Jungle Telegraph

Editorial/ Opinion Contents