How do I cope?

Mrs. Chandrika Ismael, Clinical Psychologist says that for infants and very small children death seems a temporary state of things, where their care giver is expected to come back any minute. But when you are a little older, for instance in your early teens, you understand the finality of death. But it is only natural that all of us have trouble accepting it. 

"Grieving is automatic and natural. If you don't let it take its course then you end up not growing up emotionally. You first feel shock - depending on how your parent died, and then maybe anger and bitterness. There are times when you feel responsible for the death and even guilty, thinking that it happened because of you.

And often in the process of grieving......

*You cry and mope excessively, cling to the memory of the person who died. 

*You may also feel anxious, and maybe aggressive, withdrawn, anti-social or as if you don't want to talk, or mix around with people. 

*You feel very alone, cry in your sleep, and may even have nightmares. 

*You will have various unrealistic thoughts, but it's part of your grief and natural and automatic. 

If you let yourself grieve naturally then you're dealing with it. But if you don't, if you don't let grief take its natural course, you keep it bottled inside - then you are not dealing with it."

She explains that though it doesn't happen to everybody, bottled-up grief can even lead to suicide. "When grief is excessive and prolonged, severe depression and anxiety, excessive fear, stress reactions and sleep difficulties might eventually lead a person to suicide."

According to her, as with everything else each person has his or her own way of coping with such grief. "It depends upon how resilient you are, your learning experiences in life, your personality, the age it happened to you. Sometimes even your sex has a hand in determining how you cope. The norm is that for a girl it's okay to cry, but not for a boy. So the way a girl and a boy handle grief might be different.

It also depends on your patterns of attachment. If you were securely attached to your close ones then you have it in you to trust another person with your grief because, you initially had trusting relationships. But if in the early stages of life you had an insecure pattern of attachments, then later in life it's going to be hard for you to trust another person. You fear rejection, and have difficulty in getting close to people." She explained that this would stop you from sharing your grief, adding that this may be the reason why children from insecure home backgrounds find it hard to cope.

She explains that in the case of children, if a parent dies when they are very small it is very important that as far as possible you let them know the truth, although you may think they wouldn't understand it. "It specially matters how they were introduced to the death of their mother or father. If you give them misleading explanations-such as, 'your father was taken away by Jesus' - without being straightforward about the reality, it's going to be hard for them later in life to accept the reality. Here it helps a lot if the mother shows them how to grieve. Sometimes the mother may keep it all in without showing any outward signs of grieving. 

1. If you have personally experienced death then let them know that you understand and that you can help them through it.

2. But if you don't have personal experience, don't say you understand how they feel, because you don't. But let them know that though you don't know how it feels you understand what a terrible loss it is and that you'll be there, even to be a punching bag. 

3. Don't embark on your long harangue on how cruel the war is and on how terrible cancer is getting. They would already know, and you'll only be doubling their pain.

4. Empathy is always more important than sympathy. When you sympathize it might demoralize the particular person because you are telling them how pathetic their life is. And some people start depending on your sympathy. That's not going to help them get over their grief and mature emotionally. 

5. Sometimes you don't need to say much; you just need to be there.

1.Don't be alarmed about talking about your feelings. Putting a firm lid on all those dark feelings isn't the solution. Grieving is a natural process, and you are not alone in feeling the way you do. Muster up courage to tell someone how terrible you feel: you'll be surprised at how many friends will lend you an ear, how many feel for you.

2. When death strikes in the family, it's important that family members stick together because you need to share each other's grief so that no one feels alone in their grief. Do not keep your feelings from the younger members of the family, because they need to know how to grieve and that they are not alone. Within the family encourage and help each other to come to terms with your loss.

3. Try to recognize your feelings and if you feel you can't cope, reach for help from a psychologist or counsellor.

4. Don't block the grieving process. Once you are through it, however hard, though the pain cannot be remedied, you will have matured and will be ready to face life.

Shehani*

I remember my sister and I discussing that we had to get rid of everything he had given. Most people cling to such things, but to us since he was no more, everything we had of him had to go as well. We never really got rid of anything though, because those were essentially who he was. Since his work took him away from us it was through his letters and cards that we really got to know him. For us now we had to help Amma. That was our responsibility and it made us feel quite 'big'. We got over the shock easily at that time, but I miss Dada now. Especially during parents day when everyone comes with their parents. Then I think why did this have to happen to me. It's something I'll never understand 
 

Sonali*

I felt the loss when I attained age. My mother was there for my two sisters, but she wasn't there for me. I think the whole experience made us grow up too early. We had to do things on our own, act responsibly - even though we were only kids - and we had to think more than other kids our age did. It wasn't the normal life of a teenager.

Sure, there have been many times when I've thought 'why did this happen to me' - especially when my father was not around because of his work, I felt very bitter sometimes. But my faith in God has helped me to deal with it over the years. 

The crazy thing is that whenever something is bothering one of us, someone dreams of our mother and she is always smiling. Then some small miracle takes place and our problems solve themselves. Because of this I know she is watching over us. That knowledge - that she is with us in spirit - never fails to give me strength.

I have always been comforted by these words - spoken by a mother to her children -

'When I must leave you for a little while,
Please do not grieve and shed wild tears,
And hug your sorrows through the years,
But start out bravely with a gallant smile,
And for my sake and in my name,
Live on and do all things the same,
Feed not your loneliness on empty days,
But fill each waking hour in useful ways,
Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer,
And I in turn will comfort you,
And hold you near,
And never, never be afraid to die,
For I'm waiting for you in the sky.' 
(Helen Steiner Rice)

Suresh*

On that fateful evening my sister and I were having tuition and my dad having showered had gone upstairs to his room and spoken to my mother about some financial matters and told her to take good care of us kids. All of a sudden he collapsed onto the bed. At the time my mum thought it was another one of my dad's jokes and reminded him that he was running late for the appointment he had to keep, Only to find him struggling to breathe. I had come upstairs having heard a noise and was there when he passed away. Supposedly I had told him not to leave us but the memory is rather vague. At the time I was just nine years old.

I remember there being a lot of people in the house-relatives and friends. I remember seeing my father lying there in his coffin. There were people crying all around me and I too wanted to cry but the tears never came. I also remember people trying to console me telling me to do this and that. It was all rather annoying because somehow they could never relate to my feelings and their words had no comforting effect. Standing there I didn't know what to do. But instead of feeling useless and frustrated I actually felt important. The responsibilities had fallen on to my shoulders. Now I had to take over as the man of the family.

In the aftermath of the funeral I didn't feel guilty or bitter towards others who had dads. Of course it depressed me to see my mother in in mourning. However the experience strengthened our family and we grew extremely close. The new responsibilities never proved to be a burden because my mother was extremely strong and took care of the business and us. I was not required to become a man prematurely. Nevertheless I too got involved in the business. To add to it I did my O/L's and A/L's a year early and soon went on to get a job. These were not circumstances that were forced on me but came about automatically. 

I do miss my dad. It's as if a part of me has gone missing because I feel I could have learnt a lot if he was around. Then again in a way I've learnt a lot as a result of my father not being there. Who knows if he were around I probably would not be me and I just may have been hanging around at MC with my friends, utterly jobless. 

I am constantly reminded of him. Especially when I'm feeling lonely and depressed. Usually I take a long walk and I think and talk to myself. I remember the stuff my dad has told me. He told me it was O.K. to have a girlfriend as long as I could support her - as in be able to take her out. He told me about friends and how most flock only when the going is smooth and good friends are few and far-fetched. He spoke about the vices of life like cigarettes, alcohol and drugs and like any father watching out for his son, he told me the harm it could cause and to make choices wisely. 11 years down the line I hear and realize the importance of what he told me when I'm out with friends and they offer and encourage me into smoking and drinking.

Over the years I've kind of got used to the fact that dad's no more. It's the other people who feel really awkward about it. 
 

Dinesh*

I never really felt the loss of my father while I was in school, because I never realized that I was missing something in my life. I got everything I needed from my mother. But now at 27, the loss is terrible to bear. As a teacher I come into contact with many parents; I see fathers concerned about their sons, proud of their achievements and having great hopes for their future. And now seeing that hurts me. I don't know what it's like to have a father. I know I missed out on something amazing. Sometimes I feel very angry, bitter even, because every child has a right to a parent - and I was robbed of mine. It's ironic because in general I can deal with death. If someone close to me dies today, I feel I can carry on. I believe that time will heal the initial feelings of hurt. With someone like that at least I have a memory to cling to. Where my father is concerned I have nothing - I suppose that's why I'm so bitter. I wish I had some memory of him. Sure, my mother and brothers have told me stories about him, but they don't mean anything - they don't belong to me.

Contrary to what I've learned I believe that death can be so unfair, sometimes it takes the right people at the wrong time. 

Soulmates

POP babe Britney Spears leans back into a soft black leather sofa and sighs: "I love Justin. He's the perfect man for me."

Justin is, of course, N-Sync star Justin Timberlake - known to most Britney fans as easily the luckiest bloke on the planet.

"We've been around each other since we were kids so we know each other very well," she says, warming to her subject. "I can always get in touch with him wherever I am in the world - just pick up the phone and have a chat about anything."

This is the first time Britney has talked about her feelings for 19-year-old Justin......and there's no holding her back.

"It's far too early for us to be talking about marriage just yet," she smiles. "I like to live day by day and not plan too far ahead.

"But you just don't know what's around the corner. I'm not going to say in five years' time I'm going to get married and have loads of kids. You just don't know. I'm not ruling anything out."
Friends

Her complexion is flawless, eyes bright. She is wearing faded blue jeans, a fawn embroidered top and a woolly hat pulled down to her eyebrows.

"I've known Justin since we were kids when we were on the children's show Mickey Mouse Club in the States," she goes on, keen to dwell on every moment. "It's great knowing someone as friends before you start dating.

"I can't remember the exact day we started dating because we've been friends for such a long time, but it's a great feeling. He's perfect." She leans forward on the sofa to make her point. "Our relationship works because we're both in the music industry and we both understand what each other is going through each day.

"It makes everything so easy, otherwise I don't think it would work because we'd be on different levels."

Other newspapers claimed she and Justin had parted a few months ago.

"Any truth in that, Britney?" The eyes flash. "I don't know who started that rumour," she says emphatically. "We never split. That would be too painful. We are soul mates together."

While on the European leg of her sell-out 'Oops... I Did It Again' world tour. Britney was also interviewed for the show Britney Spears, Access All Areas that will be screened on November 25 exclusively on Sky One.

Some stars are keen to throw a few crumbs of conversation a journalist's way then disappear. Britney is clearly happy to go on talking. When asked about reports of e-mail conversations she is said to have had with Prince William.

"I really don't know where all these stories come from," she says immediately. "I've never met him or contacted him. There were rumours that I e-mailed him, which isn't true. I wouldn't mind meeting him, but who wouldn't''. That's as far as it goes really. Louisiana born Britney, 18, shot to fame as a teenage presenter on the Mickey Mouse Club then became one of the hottest female singers around after taking the pop world by storm in January 1999.

She was No.1 in Britain and the States with her debut single 'Baby One More Time'. So far she has sold over 20 million albums worldwide and graced the covers of all the major magazines.

She is also the only star to appear on the front of American Rolling Stone mag twice in one year.

Even now, the thrill of that first hit is crystal clear.

"When I first got the video to 'Baby One More Time' I watched it with my sister Alisha about a million times," she grins, "I couldn't believe I'd done it. I was jumping up and down on my bed shouting and screaming. It was crazy.

"You never know what the end result is going to be. I was in total shock." Famously a virgin and proud of it, Britney may have a squeaky clean image . . . but she reveals: "I love to party just like anyone else but the good thing is that I don't suffer from hangovers—I'm too young! "
Super fun

OK for some, I think—though not aloud.

"I had a really good party when Justin and I went to the aftershow party at the MTV Awards in New York," she continues. "That was really cool.

"A lot of people stayed up really late and I was one of them. But I didn't suffer like most. I was cool." Britney plus MTV have equalled bucket loads of awards since she burst on to the scene. She picked up a record FOUR last year in Dublin and is up for THREE in Stockholm.

"It's great," she smiles broadly. "I get quite nervous but it's well worth it "

It certainly is. She also won the Best Female Artist gong at the TV Hits awards in London. Apart from singing, Britney's other passion is acting and she would love to star as an evil character if the script was right.

"I really want to do something completely different and show people I can do other things," she says.

She has a look of determination that suggests you shouldn't doubt her for a moment. 

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