Coping with the split

In such a situation, life ceases to be safe and certain as it had been up to now. Your parents have pulled apart from each other, and you find yourself caught in the middle, confused and maybe angry, perhaps wondering anxiously whether you had a hand in separating them. You are not alone, because broken marriages, and single parent homes are no longer things that you speak about under wraps. 

Clinical Psychologist Mrs. Chandrika Ismail says that children are the ones to be directly affected when parents are separated. "Young children become confused and frightened and may show touch-reactions. And sometimes these reactions, aggressiveness or withdrawal and anxiety symptoms, might not show at the time of divorce. Also,what hurts them may not actually be the divorce itself but the events leading up to it, like parental conflict," she explains. 

According to her living in a single parent home at a very young age may affect the personality growth of a child. "When they are very small, boys acquire specific gender behaviour from the father and girls from the mother. Therefore in a single parent home, if it is a boy who lives with his mother, then he finds himself without a male role-model, and this might affect his behaviour, especially when the mother tends to be overprotective. Therefore having a close aunt or an uncle to fill in the place of role model vacated by the mother or the father is important for children living with only one parent."

Explaining that parental conflict can affect children in a number of ways, she added however, that all of them depends on circumstances and one's personality and sense of self.

"Boys and girls may react in different ways, boys showing impulsive and aggressive behaviour, while girls may become withdrawn and show anxiety reactions. If they take a long time to come to terms with it, it might affect their school performance, intellectual growth and problems in relating to peers. Also there might be added pressure on the children to be more responsible, and to succeed." She added that emptiness, loneliness and self-blame are also immediate reactions that may not wear off too easily. 

"Children of divorced parents may also have trouble in their own relationships later in life. For example if the mother was constantly up in arms with the father, then the daughter might herself react to her partner aggressively and assertively." She added that on the other hand, there are children who cope very well and live life on their own terms, notwithstanding their parents' relationship.
 

Ease your child's pain

It's not your fault 

1. If your parents are going through a divorce you sometimes tend to feel that it's your fault. For reassurance, talk directly to your parents.
2. Sometimes when your parents are divorced or about to be, you may feel that you can patch things up. Patching up doesn't happen most of the time and it only prolongs your pain. Try to understand the finality of divorce and accept it. 
3. Your parents separated because of their differences. It will not in any way reduce their love for you. You will continue to be cared for. 
4. Speak to someone close and learn to recognize your reactions. If you feel that you are not coping reach for help. 
5. Don't push yourself. It's natural to think "I'm not going to live like them", and drive yourself to achieve your own high expectations. But being self demanding in this way is not good for you.

(*names have been changed) Anton*

Life didn't get any easier for me because my parents found different partners and I didn't quite get along with them and I felt like I was adopted. As a kid I was very independent and I was forced to grow up way before my age. But at times I couldn't handle it and I used to run away. There were no relatives as such who I could go and stay with so I used to go and sleep in the railway station. When I was around 17 I started living on my own. It was a hard life. I couldn't go back to college because I had to support myself. It has been eight years since I've been living separately and I have got used to it. Except it's really difficult when I fall ill and there is no one to take care of me. At those times I feel like going back to my mother but I don't want to go crawling back. Right now I don't know where my dad is but I see my mum now and then - but we don't get along all that well. 

I wish I could change the past. I'm not angry or bitter anymore maybe just hurt and I'm very careful about the relationships I have, because I don't want to mess things up. Right now I'm a counsellor for abused kids and those from broken families. I guess it's my first hand experience that has thrust me into this field of life. 
 

Sonali* 

When my parents told me that they were getting a divorce I was seriously shocked because everything seemed alright. At least that is what I thought because all was peaceful and they used to not fight, at least not in front of me. I was 13 years old at the time. The fact that my parents wouldn't be living together was sudden and totally new to me. I was a bit embarrassed by the whole thing and I thought if I ignored it, it would all go away. I only told one of my friends who was close to me, that too not immediately but sometime later. I didn't tell my other friends though they knew me well, until years later. They were all sorry to hear it, but I didn't quite like the sympathy I got because it all felt so weird.

At the time I felt angry at my parents and I blamed them for everything. I felt guilty as in I thought it was all my fault but then again that was because I never really knew the real reasons. They never told me. I kept hearing stories from other people about what went wrong and I felt so cheated. Because they never told me themselves and I had to find out from others. 

All this has made it very difficult for me to trust people. I don't trust anybody anymore. I do trust my friends but not 100%. I get this feeling that they too will leave me. But the whole experience has made me more independent and I guess if my parents were together I would not have met the people I have and probably would not have been as close to my friends as I am right now. 
 

Kishani* 

When I was about 10 years old my parents started having problems. There were always little fights at home and we realised that all wasn't well. Then my father became an extremist in his ideas. He stopped us from doing things we loved just because it didn't fit into his scheme of things. Because of that we ended up isolated. I don't know if this was his way of hurting us. Then things got really bad. There were some really hellish fights at home. You needed to be deaf, dumb and blind not to sense that something was wrong. We left home with our mother a few times before she finally left him for good. I was 18 years at the time. The separation was for the best. I felt they were happier apart. It was what we all needed. For us it was like walking out into the world after being locked up in a cage. At the beginning my sisters and I didn't talk about it much, but later on we realised that talking to friends helped. There were times in my life when I thought I would never forgive him for the things he did. I hated him for what he put us through - for making my mother suffer. But now I feel sorry for him. I still keep in touch with him. After all for the first ten years of my life he was the best dad in the world...then he changed. But because I suffered so much at one time, I treasure the life I have today. 
 

Romesh*

My father was abroad for a long time and then he came back with a lady he introduced as a friend. I had my doubts at the time as to whether she was only a 'friend'. So I guess I got used to the idea that there was someone else in my father's life. Eventually my father told me that he was getting a divorce. I was 16 years old when he made that decision.

I guess I was used to not having my father around because he wasn't around much even when my parents were married. But initially I was angry with him. And there were times when I felt torn apart because my parents used me to justify some of their actions. Added to that I was embarrassed that my parents were divorced, because at that time there was shame associated with such a situation. 

I prayed a lot because my religion was my consolation. I depended totally on God to get me through. Looking back, their decision makes sense. Although I am a believer in the sanctity of marriage, I understand that with my parents there was no other option. They were like oil and water - great on their own, but they just didn't mix. Both were just too stubborn.

Initially I was afraid of a close relationship. I saw my mother give 100 percent, but get nothing out of it. But I believe that if something is blessed by God, nothing can go wrong. It is important for me that both parties are of the same faith. My father was an atheist and that may have also been a contributing factor to the divorce.

I'm closer to my mother. My father and I have a good relationship. He will always be a friend, but I don't depend on him as a parent. 

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