5th Column

Shame, it is to call mamma's boy Warne a cheat

My Dear Shane Warne,
I thought I must write to you when I heard you had been sent home from the World Cup in South Africa after they found you had taken a drug that you weren't supposed to take.

There would be a lot of people who would say that this is hardly surprising, but what intrigued me was your excuse- you took that pill because your mother wanted you to and you being dear Mama's boy, did just that!

Now, Shane, we have heard quite a few explanations of the 'dog ate my homework' type but this must rank as one of the best. In fact, we have quite a few of our own, like Satellite saying that the Green Man pointed a gun at her head and threatened to kill her, but yours still ranks among the best.

Of course, Shane, you must pardon the average Sri Lankan if he is less than sympathetic about what fate awaits you. We remember you as someone who said you were afraid to come to Colombo because you thought bombs might explode when you went shopping!

And then of course we have this running battle with your media and your umpires whenever Murali tours your country where even the crowds have now joined in calling him a chucker whenever he runs up to bowl. How would you like it Shane, if crowds called you a cheater every time you ran up to bowl?

Then there are the countless ex-umpires, former cricketers and commentators in your country who every now and then say that Murali throws and that therefore he should be banned from the game. So far, Shane, I have yet to hear any of them come forward to say that you too should be banned from the game. I wonder why?

Here in Sri Lanka, Shane, we would call it 'karume'. After all, isn't it ironical that a country which launched a well organised campaign to get rid of the game's best spinner by calling him a cheat, now faces the prospect of losing their own best bowler who has been found to be a cheat?

And that brings us to an interesting situation, Shane. The cricket world is watching how your authorities would deal with this situation. As Captain Cool has correctly pointed out, if this happened to an Asian, there would have been a thousand experts calling for him to be banned from the game. But already, what we are hearing are reasons why you will not be banned. Indeed, everyone seems to be studying how you could get off with the slightest penalty and even return to play in the World Cup!

But then, Shane, that is hardly surprising, isn't it? After all, yours is a country where convicts are always given a second chance!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS- But Shane, if you ever need some assistance to get out of this mess, I can suggest someone who knows all about 'B' samples and taking tablets without knowing what's in them and I'm sure she will be happy to help you. And, as I'm sure she will tell you, a better way still to appear innocent is to allege that you are the victim of a conspiracy of a government minister. Think about that too, will you?

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