5th Column

Doctor Katu Gahanawa has survived many tests
My dear 'Dr.' Mervyn,
I didn't think I would have to write to you again so soon but I thought I must after hearing that you had been conferred with a doctorate in political science by some people practising what they call 'complementary' medicine.

I am sure you consider this a compliment, Mervyn, but I'm not so sure that doctors and others who have earned their doctorates the hard way would be impressed. You need to be careful because even Satellite maybe a bit annoyed because she herself didn't complete her doctorate despite all her hard work at the Sorbonne!

Since being awarded this honour, Mervyn, I have heard you say that you got your doctorate doing absolutely nothing while others had to work hard for it. Now it is here that I vehemently disagree with you, dear 'Doctor'. I would suggest instead that you did work very hard for your doctorate, however dubious that award may be.

To begin with, many of those who criticise and condemn you now forget that you were in the Green party in the not so distant past. And being the smart man that you are, you sensed the mood of change in the country and switched sides.

Then there were the numerous incidents that brought you headlines in the press. And for a man who claims to be descending from the legendary Dutugemunu, you started in style by allegedly assaulting a rival MP at the Sri Maha Bodhiya!

Then one day several years ago you walked into a newspaper office with some goons and, with a vocabulary that would have made Malalasekera blush, reportedly threatened to kill a newspaper reporter who wrote something or the other about you.

And, just to ensure that all these efforts would not go waste, you allowed your wife to be listed on the National List, so she could resign in the event Satellite needed to return to Parliament.

You yourself lost the elections rather miserably with only about two thousand 'manaapes' but crept back in to Parliament again through the National List and was then rewarded with a Deputy Minister's job!

You allegedly smashed up a nightclub although you now deny the incident and all those who saw you there have developed a loss of memory for the event! What I am trying to tell you, Mervyn is that you have worked much, much harder for your doctorate than say, for instance, Dr. Amunu who wrote a thesis on mass communications or Professor GL who compiled a dissertation on some legal issue. You may not have burnt the midnight oil, Mervyn, but you certainly oiled your way around.

But of course, what you would do with the doctorate is left to be seen. I'm told that those who awarded the doctorate to you are more famous for their acupuncture. Well, 'Katu Gahanawa', as they call it, is nothing new to you, is it?

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS: Recent ‘Bazaar talk’ has it that Mr. Naufer expects to press his claims for a doctorate in the coming year.

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