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TIMES POSTCARD
Rata Perata is passé, like fish and chips
By Rajpal Abeynayake
Don't trust the fish if you can't see the sea. That was the rule of thumb for eating fish. But now they say that all fishermen should live inland. Fisher folk will be given apartments with hot and cold showers, and a bathtub. I first thought the bathtub is for professional purposes -- to catch fish in. Apparently, the bathtub is for bathing. The government policy is - - that they are not going to even call fish, fish anymore. And you think there is no rational path-breaking brainwave there?

You should ask Tara de Mel. This is how her announcement is going to be worded:"Our fishermen should be protected by the tsunamis at all costs, and the beach should be protected at all costs." ('protected…from fishermen', says the draft-speech, blue-pencilled hurriedly by Mrs. de Mel, but that is just by the way….). "To this end the government has stipulated a 200-meter no-go zone near the beach.''

"But we are extremely committed to this whole endeavour. Fish is itself a misnomer. Worse than calling a sex-worker a prostitute.'' "Why is the flesh of a cockerel called chicken? We in proper English usage do not say, "buy a kilo of cockerel flesh-or hen flesh." We say "buy a kilogram of chicken.''

Likewise, we do not say "pass the goat's meat will you"? We do not say "pass the cow's flesh will you"? We say "pass the mutton and pass the beef.'' "In Sri Lanka, we are going to use the tsunami to be trail-blazing and path-breaking,'' she will go on. "So we are legislatively prohibiting the use of the word 'fish'. Your children will not have to be traumatised by going to the supermarket and asking for a kilo of fish anymore.''

We are yet to invent a word, but very soon TAFREN and my outfit will do so. The linguists are working on it now, under a World Food Programme outright grant- (no repayment necessary). If goat's flesh is called 'mutton', they figure that fish can be called 'sicken' since it comes from the sea. Also if the flesh of the fowl is called 'chicken', why not call flesh from the sea 'sicken to rhyme, hmm?'' But there are a host of other competing nomenclatures. If cow's flesh is 'beef', we can call fish "barf'' because it comes from near the beach. If a calf’s flesh is 'veal', we can called sea-food "steal'' isn't it ?"

"My outfit will very soon decide on the proper usage'' she will continue. "No longer shall we be traumatised by fishing near the beach -- - we can fish in the bathtub, and no longer do we need to be traumatised by saying inane things like 'buy some fish' 'isn't it a good fish curry?'. Inane and dangerous, mind you. Very soon, there will be a brand new unthreatening Sri Lankan name for fish -- and the way a cow becomes beef when she is dead, a fish will become a 'sicken' or a 'steal'' or a 'barf'' when it is dead.'' Ends. (Serenade.)

Besides, linguistics is important. You ask Tara de Mel in private, she will tell you more. For example, she'll tell you, there are great things you can do with words. Spelling words backwards can give diverse meanings to words. And there is something called a palindrome. It means you spell the letters of a word or a sentence backward to form the same word or sentence. For instance "Satan meets Natasha'' is a palindrome.

Then there are words close to palindromes. For instance 'Leader' can be re-arranged to spell 'dealer'. Ask the President, she will tell you for a day and a half about that. See how significant these word relationships can be - - and how deep their meaning? These are called anagrams.

"But my favourite is this one'', Tara will tell you animatedly: "Last year the English papers used to spell our slogan, Rata Perata. Then came the tsunami, and naturally we were all re-oriented. But how long does it take the newspapers to cotton on and tell the truth? I still didn't see a headline that divines the significance of it all and says -- simply and truthfully - "Tara perata.” Neat like an anagram, and truthful to boot no"

"Tara perata?'', you might then ask, shyly."Journalism is truth telling, no?'' she will say, wink real quick, and retire to a 200-kilometre beachside apartment to wolf down some barf and chips….

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