Mirror
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In
the face of love… Aruni* found her dream love – Shehan* at her tuition class, when she was about to do her O/ Levels. Her parents got to know about this and stopped her from attending the class. Yet Aruni’s love blossomed through love letters over several years. The moment arrived to confess the truth. Immediately, her father told her to leave without giving her any reasons. Shehan’s parents, on the other hand, disapproved at first but later they allowed him to marry Aruni and live at their residence. At first, Shehan had been a loving husband, yet he was incapable of sustaining a peaceful family life. Now nine years have passed since Kesera went abroad, but no one knows what has happened to him. Aruni is left with two children and she resides separately from Shehan’s family. But somehow she’s happy that she was able to provide for and educate her two children. Shazna* got married without parental approval, but counting 14 years, her marriage is a successful one. Although Hashan* is from a different religious background, he joins Shazna in many religious rituals and ceremonies. Both Shazna and Hashan have no problems bringing up children, and dealing with different religious ceremonies and rituals. However, her parents find it hard to accept the choice their child made. “I don’t think parents casually reject love affairs. What happens is, for most parents, children are special and they want to ensure that their child finds the right person,” says Mrs. Anne Abayasekara, well-known counsellor, on the topic of parental reactions to youth relationships, adding, “Different things appear differently to different people.” Dinesh* (22) says that sometimes parents feel that they are being rejected when their children fall in love. “That may be one of the reasons why parents reject love affairs, although it may seem an unacceptable reason. The other reason is their protective instincts, especially with girls.” Shenal* (24) says, “Parents always want the best for their children. And they are responsible for providing this. At the same time, if there’s a case of objection from parents regarding a love-affair, children should talk to their parents without hiding it.” Rehan* (19) feels that parents shouldn’t be too critical of love affairs. “After all, it’s not the end of world. On the contrary, they should be supportive and try to guide their children. Of course, they are justified in being concerned that their children may mess up their studies” he said. Twenty-one-year old Shanker is still a student, but found his steady, a couple of months ago. He feels that the main reason for parents to reject love affairs is that they think it could affect their child’s studies. “Another issue could be socio-economic and religious factors. If my parents reject the person I love, I would first talk to them. I’ll give them the due respect and support, but I will let them know that this is my choice,” he said. In today’s cosmopolitan lifestyle, everything seems so familiar and acceptable. Yet socio-economic and religious factors are the most decisive force for many. “This could be the core of life knotted with rituals, customs and celebrations. In times of difficulty, you may not be able to include your spouse. Even during naming ceremonies, weddings and other social occasions you may want to chose your religious observance and your spouse may want his/ her customs,” says Mrs. Abayasekara, adding, “Unless, you have a really good understanding, it’ll be very difficult to cope with. Sometimes, the immediate families of your spouse may accept you for your differences, but the relatives and in-laws of your spouse may create tension. But successful stories do exist in inter-marriages.” “Sometimes parents may be opposed to a relationship because a person is simply making his/ her choice. They think that the decisions concerning the lives of children should be made by them, and not by the children themselves,” says Mrs. Abayasekara, However, it is important to remember that, “children always want their parents’ blessings, whatever the circumstances.” The most important thing, in these situations, is that the parent-child bond is not dissolved or broken. It is the responsibility of both the parent and the child to ensure that. (* Names have been changed.) Views
from parents Mrs. Pereira says, “I’ll be happy if my children can find partners within our community. Inter-marriages may cause difficulties and that is why many parents object to them. Sometimes I feel that I too have fixed ideas that need to change. There are other reasons why parents object to their children’s relationships. Some parents are very possessive. However, if the children want to go ahead with their decisions, we must let them. It’s their life.” Mrs. Siva* (separated) says, “Sometimes, if parents are hurt by their partners they are critical about their children falling in love. They may worry that their children will also end up like them. I may be critical about my children falling in love with someone I may not approve of, but I would let them decide their future. I’ll try my best to support them in times of joy and sorrow.” Mr. Cader says, “As parents, we want to do our best for our children. If our children find someone we may not like, we can only advise them. If they have made up their minds, we have to let go. Yet, support them when the need arises.” When
parents don’t talk “If the parents are silent about the issue that means there are no valid reasons for rejection. If they have good reasons, they would come out with it,” says Mrs. Abayasekara. You probably have some idea what the problem is, if you have lived with your parents all these years. Some kind of communication makes a difference. Silence can only hurt people. |
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