Mirror Magazine - Time to move out?

“(I want to break free), (I want to break free), I want to break free from…” If Queen’s undying lyrics happen to be playing in your head, continuously, on a day-to-day basis, you probably fall into one particularly common category of young people. Reaching a certain age, the need to take charge of your life and breakaway from the hold of your most-often caring (but sometimes smothering parents) is quite normal for any young adult. Probably one of the boldest forms of independence and maturity, by the looks of it, the ‘moving out,’ culture seems to be slowly, but steadily, creeping into Sri Lankan mentality.

Quite common in most other parts of the world, this trend is generally a step reserved for after-marriage, as Sri Lankan culture still does not fully accept moving out of your parents’ house, no matter how viable the conditions are.

Common reasons for moving out
So what makes young people want to move out? It could most probably be the need for more space or privacy as a young adult. Of course it could also be entering university or getting a new job in another area of the country. For some others, it might be due to a conflict with parents, since sometimes the thought of leaving home seems easier than resolving the conflict. This of course might not always be the smartest thing to do in such a situation, since moving out would not solve the problems you leave behind. Still it could help by giving you some space away to think things over, and it just might help you and your parents appreciate each other a little more.

For Nicola (23) moving out could be a vital part of experiencing adulthood. “The only way in which you can really appreciate your independence is when you know you don’t have any one to bail you out if you mess up. With that comes being responsible about everything you do. When you come to a certain age, it’s not just about getting away from your parents anymore. You have to learn to be independent, and get out of that sheltered cocoon.”

She agrees that young people moving out is not a part of Sri Lankan culture. “Marriage is the only ‘official’ thing parents can rationalise it with, so they don’t want to let go before that.”

“I feel it’s a good idea for a lot of reasons. Sri Lankan kids depend a lot on parents, so moving out would really make them learn lots of things on their own,” says Charith (24). He too feels that the Sri Lankan mentality is the biggest obstacle for young people to make this choice. “Of course you have to be of the proper age, you need to know what you want to do in life, and most importantly you need to be able to support yourself financially.”

There’s no ‘ideal’ age to move out, according to Charith, but if you have a stable income, 20 might be a suitable age. Moving out would help you learn to manage your own affairs, even if it’s simple things such as managing your shopping lists, bills and so on. “The scary thing is that we’ve been in this protective shelter, and as soon as you move out, you tend to get carried away with the whole sense of freedom, and ruin things.”

Apart from what people will think, being insecure about their kids’ abilities to handle things on their own might be the main issue for Sri Lankan parents. “They weave their lives around their kids, so they unconsciously hold back when it comes to letting go. Parents are scared about getting lonely too.”

Mario (25) agrees that though most would like to, young people in Sri Lanka are still not ready to move out of their homes just yet. “The trend is definitely catching on, and if you could work out a way to do it, then that’s great. It’s a good thing, as long as you don’t abuse the freedom that comes with moving out.” But he still doesn’t think it’s financially viable.

The Parents say...
Staying in line with Sri Lankan culture, families believe that their children should move out only once they’re married. Some parents also feel rejected or even embarrassed about what other people may think of them as parents, if their child were to move out of the house they’ve grown up in. For instance, most people might assume that they have been ‘bad parents’ or that there may have been a conflict in the household.

According to Shaheena (46), a mother of three teenage kids, children moving out at probably their early-20s, would be alright. “I think I would be alright with my children moving out at that age, as long as they keep in touch regularly, and we know what’s going on in their lives. I would make it clear to them that they could come back for anything. But I don’t think I would be okay with my daughter living alone. I feel women are more vulnerable, and that is a fact that needs to be taken into consideration.”

Taking precautions
Before moving out, you need to carefully think through the consequences of your decision. Safety conditions, a favourable financial situation, the ability to organise and budget your finances, a support system if things were to backfire, and dealing with loneliness being some of them.

Speaking to a counsellor dealing with young people, her opinion was that though it depends on the individual, generally it’s a good thing for mature young people to move out, if they so wish. “In modern society young people need to be given the chance to make choices on their own. For example, especially with young women developing their careers and so on, issues like late nights at work come up. Such situations create conflicts at home, since although the kids aren’t living a wild, unrestricted life, parents cannot relate to this type of lifestyle.”

According to her, parents never stop being parents, and for them, no matter what age they reach, their child will always remain ‘their child.’ “Conflicts between parent and child arises when young people who are making serious and responsible decisions at work are restricted and controlled when they come home. Being adult themselves, this gives rise to many conflicts. So when they want to stretch their wings and take control of their lives, parents can’t come to terms with it.”

She feels the best option would be to move out in a group of friends or other young people in a similar situation. “It helps you grow, but you will have to learn it the hard way.” As a family you will have to deal with what other people would say and assume, but conflicts would reduce, and both parents and children will come to appreciate each other more.

Young people could get advice from an older person, or a counsellor, before taking such a step. “You should always have a relative or friend you could call on, if things were to go wrong. It will be an experiment at first, but it will work out eventually. With time, I feel that this trend will become more acceptable.”